Page 4 | Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:13

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 28/01/2025 23:08

Land and Property will work with you to get the rates paid off so there will be a way out of this.
As for the arrogance of your useless husband, well there's a way out of that too.
I'm so sorry this happened OP, I'd be bloody fuming. It's not just the rates is it, it's the trust going that he's lied to you and has landed you both in this situation.

Exactly he had one job 🫠 , I'm pulled this way and that everyday with clubs and football and horse riding and swimming and discos ect ect all he has to do is come home get his dinner handed to him and had to set up a direct debit once

OP posts:

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2025 23:12

Soonenough · 28/01/2025 21:14

Three years rates shouldn't add up to that much do they . Anyway you absolutely should contact them to work out a payment plan . It costs them money to take you to court , get bailiffs. Any reasonable offer will do it. The fact that you contact will always go in your favour . In the meantime you have to have an honest discussion about finances . He needs to disclose his income and outgoings to you. If there is a huge gap you need to know why . Gambling , drugs , debt he should not be keeping this from you. Otherwise get rid for good this time. Make arrangements about the house and file for child support .

Mine would be over £9k

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:10

MissUltraViolet · 28/01/2025 23:05

At this point, if he wouldn’t sit down with me with bank statements and wage slips for an honest conversation and lay everything out in the open, I’d be leaving.

But I also wouldn’t buy a house with someone who wouldn’t let me see a bank statement in the first place!!

If he’s working full time, earns more than you and works overtime on top of that, he needs to start explaining where his money is going. No idea how you’ve lived like this for so long, it isn’t a partnership, you’re living two separate lives and know nothing about him.

He's quite a bit older than me so I think looking back I was a bit native really 🙈 but I'm 29 so what's my excuse for past years , I didn't want to buy the house but the rental we had was sold and literally had no other option , we couldn't find somewhere to rent and wasn't willing to pay same as a mortgage to live in some tiny house miles away from the kids school , we both dont drive , Im doing my lessons ATM , he could never be arsed

OP posts:

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2025 23:08

ru53 · 28/01/2025 20:19

Sorry for the stupid question what are rates?

Council tax

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 28/01/2025 23:08

Land and Property will work with you to get the rates paid off so there will be a way out of this.
As for the arrogance of your useless husband, well there's a way out of that too.
I'm so sorry this happened OP, I'd be bloody fuming. It's not just the rates is it, it's the trust going that he's lied to you and has landed you both in this situation.

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:07

healthybychristmas · 28/01/2025 22:41

Can you check his credit rating?

He got a credit card last year so it must be ok ,

OP posts:

PleaseAndThankYou12 · 28/01/2025 23:07

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 20:10

Hi everyone 👋
I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

You won't go to prison, however Land & Property Service can take you through court to recover the debt. It's a lengthy process.

If you give them a call and explain the situation, they should allow you to set up a payment plan. Ensure you keep a paper trail of anything you receive from them/send to them etc.

Good luck x

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:06

Mamabear999 · 28/01/2025 21:41

I would knee cap him! (Not literally). Ring first thing and explain, tell them anything ( he has lost his mind etc)to get you on a payment plan. I would be taking 💯 control of finances. I am sure you are just raging🙈. Honestly you don’t want to bankrupted over this and lose your home as so hard to get rentals in NI. 🥲

Think I have tbh how can I live here now , he can't be trusted

OP posts:

MissUltraViolet · 28/01/2025 23:05

At this point, if he wouldn’t sit down with me with bank statements and wage slips for an honest conversation and lay everything out in the open, I’d be leaving.

But I also wouldn’t buy a house with someone who wouldn’t let me see a bank statement in the first place!!

If he’s working full time, earns more than you and works overtime on top of that, he needs to start explaining where his money is going. No idea how you’ve lived like this for so long, it isn’t a partnership, you’re living two separate lives and know nothing about him.

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:04

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/01/2025 21:36

If you had a joint bills account you'd have known the council tax wasn't getting paid which was the point some PP were making. Not that you should have paid more, but that you should have made sure it was getting paid. Not that that's really fair in a relationship and you shouldn't have to check your partner isn't lying to you about paying bills, just that a joint bills account provides greater transparency and oversight for everyone.

What I'd do immediately is deal with the rates problem and leave him on the side till you're ready to deal with him. Call the council ask for a payment plan. For me this would be a deal breaker, its endangered your home, but before I told him that I'd want to know where the money went. Some people do just piss away a lot of money buying things, gaming, tech, could also be drugs or gambling or money given to family.

Edited

Show quote history

I honestly didn't , we don't have a joint bank account and they were addressed to him only I don't know how I've never seen a letter from them untill now but I honestly haven't he gets home from work before me so picks up the post that's been posted that day

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 23:01

healthybychristmas · 28/01/2025 22:41

Honestly I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew what he was doing with that money particularly given what you say about his mum and dad's houses.

Realistically he is either saving the money completely separately, using drugs, gambling it away or giving it away. There is no other answer.

This has been going on for years tbh , I think he might have secret savings account because there's just no logically explanation, he does smoke weed

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:59

SeaToSki · 28/01/2025 22:09

So did he tell you outright that he hasnt actually been paying it?

Im wondering if he set the direct debit up but fucked it up somehow and has been paying someone else's rates, or something equally stupid.

I would ask him to show you the payments coming out of his bank account, its also quite possible that the council have mis coded them.

Also, if he thinks you might be able to fix it all, you might have an easier time getting to see his statements

Yh he says he swore he was paying it but then why hide letters

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:58

snoopsy · 28/01/2025 21:52

do you think he has a gambling problem? Or he has been lending money to his parents?

Highly suspect he's lending them money , once a month he'd get a phone call from his mum and I could hear her saying thanks so much son when I pulled him up on it she never rang again , like not even to say hello which is odd too me

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:57

AInightingale · 28/01/2025 22:48

I'd say most likely that he has either got a mistress (working overtime every weekend, huh?) or is buying sex. I don't know exactly what prostitutes charge but I'd imagine it would help explain the mysterious disappearance of a 'few hundred' every month. My ex partner never had any money either and managed to burn through nearly £10K nest egg in a couple of years, he was spending a lot of it on prostitution, regular as clockwork every Friday night or 'at the shops' as he described it.

He works overtime ,starts at 5am and is home for 12 midday and wears his smelly work gear lol , I doubt it's that tbh , but I'd actually end up in jail if it turned out to be tbh 🙈 he doesn't go out with his friends anymore tho any night out he turns down so surly if he was cheating that would be perfect excuse

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:54

Lavender14 · 28/01/2025 22:30

Ah op that's horrendous what an arse he is to do this to you.

I think for me I'd lose the husband just because he's lied so much. I'd be trying to do as much digging as you possibly can to try and identify where that money has gone. It seems crazy to me that he'd take out another mortgage for his mum without being able to pay his own family bills for the family home first. The current refusal to address it in front of you is also very suspicious.

It sounds like things have been very difficult for you and it sounds like there are more issues than just the financial aspect. I'm actually thinking this is really a form of financial abuse and gaslighting and I'm wondering if there's been any other abusive behaviour in the past from him?

I would ring citizens advice and get as much information on your options as possible (including what you'd be entitled to if you leave him). I'd also think about how much equity is in your home if you were to get 50% back after selling (after the bank is paid) would that give you enough for a deposit on somewhere of your own? CAP are also great with budget support and negotiation with lenders and they could work with your husband but the problem here really op is that he doesn't seem to have any buy in. If he was genuinely just bad with money, to me, he'd be so upset and guilty and wanting to do whatever he could to work with you to resolve this. The fact he doesn't even want to address it and is so minimising it is just really shady and its actually extremely disrespectful to you and your family. My guess is that he expects you will sort this because you sort everything else. Which is where its actually quite controlling manipulative behaviour.

That amount of debt is very repayable on a low enough rate so this isn't really an affordability issue - it's a willingness issue.

I personally would tell him that if he doesn't start playing ball he can add paying for a divorce and child maintenance payments to his hefty bill. If you divorce him for proven unreasonable behaviour (financial mismanagement) he will likely be liable to pay a significant portion of divorce costs. I'd want to see bank statements, and absolute full financial transparency. And to be perfectly honest I'd probably still leave him.

Yh I suspect he's a narcissist tbh , he was amazing at first tho he's like a different person now

OP posts:

AInightingale · 28/01/2025 22:48

I'd say most likely that he has either got a mistress (working overtime every weekend, huh?) or is buying sex. I don't know exactly what prostitutes charge but I'd imagine it would help explain the mysterious disappearance of a 'few hundred' every month. My ex partner never had any money either and managed to burn through nearly £10K nest egg in a couple of years, he was spending a lot of it on prostitution, regular as clockwork every Friday night or 'at the shops' as he described it.

Whooooo · 28/01/2025 22:47

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 21:26

Isn't it bloody obvious that the OP is in NI?? The post is regarding their Rates. Rates being the correct name for where OP is located.

Show quote history

I didn't see it. Calm down 👇🏻

scoopoftheday · 28/01/2025 22:43

I second CAP.

They're a great group.

If you're Co.Derry there's one in Coleraine but also might be one in Derry City.

healthybychristmas · 28/01/2025 22:41

Can you check his credit rating?

healthybychristmas · 28/01/2025 22:41

Honestly I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew what he was doing with that money particularly given what you say about his mum and dad's houses.

Realistically he is either saving the money completely separately, using drugs, gambling it away or giving it away. There is no other answer.

Lavender14 · 28/01/2025 22:30

Ah op that's horrendous what an arse he is to do this to you.

I think for me I'd lose the husband just because he's lied so much. I'd be trying to do as much digging as you possibly can to try and identify where that money has gone. It seems crazy to me that he'd take out another mortgage for his mum without being able to pay his own family bills for the family home first. The current refusal to address it in front of you is also very suspicious.

It sounds like things have been very difficult for you and it sounds like there are more issues than just the financial aspect. I'm actually thinking this is really a form of financial abuse and gaslighting and I'm wondering if there's been any other abusive behaviour in the past from him?

I would ring citizens advice and get as much information on your options as possible (including what you'd be entitled to if you leave him). I'd also think about how much equity is in your home if you were to get 50% back after selling (after the bank is paid) would that give you enough for a deposit on somewhere of your own? CAP are also great with budget support and negotiation with lenders and they could work with your husband but the problem here really op is that he doesn't seem to have any buy in. If he was genuinely just bad with money, to me, he'd be so upset and guilty and wanting to do whatever he could to work with you to resolve this. The fact he doesn't even want to address it and is so minimising it is just really shady and its actually extremely disrespectful to you and your family. My guess is that he expects you will sort this because you sort everything else. Which is where its actually quite controlling manipulative behaviour.

That amount of debt is very repayable on a low enough rate so this isn't really an affordability issue - it's a willingness issue.

I personally would tell him that if he doesn't start playing ball he can add paying for a divorce and child maintenance payments to his hefty bill. If you divorce him for proven unreasonable behaviour (financial mismanagement) he will likely be liable to pay a significant portion of divorce costs. I'd want to see bank statements, and absolute full financial transparency. And to be perfectly honest I'd probably still leave him.

Notimeforaname · 28/01/2025 22:24

This is not a partnership.
He does not respect you or care about you.
He is deceiving you.

You say your son needs that school.

What he needs is to not grow up in a home with a father that could financially ruin him and his family at any moment.

He will grow up with the wrong idea of women if he watches his father get away with the bare minimum, daily, while his mother runs around breaking herself into pieces.

Look into ANY area thats cheaper that has a suitable school.
Anything is better than living with him.

MummyZeeUK · 28/01/2025 22:14

Iii

Yalta · 28/01/2025 22:13

Soonenough · 28/01/2025 21:14

Three years rates shouldn't add up to that much do they . Anyway you absolutely should contact them to work out a payment plan . It costs them money to take you to court , get bailiffs. Any reasonable offer will do it. The fact that you contact will always go in your favour . In the meantime you have to have an honest discussion about finances . He needs to disclose his income and outgoings to you. If there is a huge gap you need to know why . Gambling , drugs , debt he should not be keeping this from you. Otherwise get rid for good this time. Make arrangements about the house and file for child support .

I have a small flat and 3 years rates or council tax would be nearly £6000

DorothyStorm · 28/01/2025 22:10

Id have also suggested he tips his wage and you pay everything and give him soending money, but since he wknt share his income i honestly dont think he can be trusted at all. He is a liar. And you are so young still. Dont waste your life with a useless manbaby liar.