Will we lose our home ? Should I lose a husband

Derrygirl09 · 2025-01-28T20:10:49+00:00

Hi everyone 👋 I'll try and keep this short , we bought our first house 3 years ago , since then , me and my husband had a separation of 9 months , things had been bad tbh and I never would have bought a home with him but we found ourselves in need of somewhere new to live and had the means to buy a home , anyway , we decided to work through our issues and things have been going well since Christmas... Today I found letters he has hidden from me from land and property and turns out he has never paid the rates , like ever 🥺, we agreed that he would be responsible for them and he's told me numerous times they were paid for , we now owe 1000s and we honestly don't have the money., he's ignored the last letter that would have given him the option to pay off in installments, he's been working overtime every weekend for 5 months and I also buy all food , all school meals , all kids clothes ect I worked out he should have few hundred left at the end of the month after the bills he pays NOT Inc overtime ,and now he tells me NOW he tells me he couldn't afford it 😡 have I a right to be livid , and what will happen to the home now ? Is this unforgivable to you ?

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 11/02/2025 12:24

OP, is there any update?

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 11/02/2025 12:23

SALaw · 02/02/2025 20:40

"have I a right to be livid"? No, none whatsoever

What a RIDICULOUS comment!!

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 11/02/2025 11:10

SALaw · 02/02/2025 20:40

"have I a right to be livid"? No, none whatsoever

I'm curious after reading the comments why you think that

OP posts:

SALaw · 02/02/2025 20:40

"have I a right to be livid"? No, none whatsoever

Lighteningstrikes · 02/02/2025 20:38

I really feel for you. There’s nothing worse than a deceitful liar 🤥 I hope you work things out for you and your kids.

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 02/02/2025 20:32

Derrygirl09 · 02/02/2025 20:31

O god no it's just a figure of speech Id end up in jail , I woudlnt actually hurt him 🤣🤣🤣 no he didn't at all , infact he didn't go anywhere with me and the children seeing Santa pumpkin patches all that kinda stuff so obviously he wasn't there to pay on occasion or be the one who paid petrol any of that so it was worse then , I can't kick him out because he literally refuses to leave and unless I make a police report saying he's abusive the police won't force him out , which despite everything I don't want to do , thank you yes I am very good with my money , I factor in absolutely everything before I make any purchase outside of our basic needs , school meals , money for winter clothes when time comes , food obviously, electric, gas , school uniform and factor in the fact they tend to outgrown them mid year and need whole new one ... I don't blindly spend I work hard and I go without so my kids can have these things , I save a bit every week and I know in x amount of weeks I'll have money for next years pantomime, after that I'll start saving a bit for Halloween and those activities, as someone who really has it together in that regards I find the comments about insulting when they say you bought all these things you can't afford 🤣🤣 I know down to the penny what's coming in and out , I actually have a chart , I know what I can and can't afford , if only they knew 🤣🤣

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No he will not move I told him me and the kids were going to have to go to a hostel and he still hasn't budged 🙈

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 02/02/2025 20:31

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 31/01/2025 23:43

OP, if you were to sell the house, presumably having done a new kitchen, bathroom, etc., it will be worth more than you paid for it? So if you then paid off the items you have on finance, and any other debts, from the proceeds of sale, would it then leave YOU enough money each month to buy a smaller/cheaper house for you and your kids to live in, if it's so difficult to find a rental where you are? Just a thought, you've probably already worked it out, as you sound VERY savvy, unlike some posters have been trying to make out.

With regard to your DH, is he going to pay you the money for the rates back, now that you've set up the payment plan?

I think somewhere I read that you said you can't kick him out, presumably that's by law, is it? Only under circumstances like this, I would definitely want to kick his arse out, so if you were to say to him that he's told you lie after lie, put your home at risk, and still won't tell you where his money is going, then he owes it to his kids to move out, as you can't bear the sight of him, and will be tempted to knife him in his sleep if he stays, do you think he would move out then?

Finally (for now, lol) when you separated, but lived in the same house for 9 months, did YOU still pay for everything except the mortgage OP, or did he stump up half the bills, pay for his own food, etc?

O god no it's just a figure of speech Id end up in jail , I woudlnt actually hurt him 🤣🤣🤣 no he didn't at all , infact he didn't go anywhere with me and the children seeing Santa pumpkin patches all that kinda stuff so obviously he wasn't there to pay on occasion or be the one who paid petrol any of that so it was worse then , I can't kick him out because he literally refuses to leave and unless I make a police report saying he's abusive the police won't force him out , which despite everything I don't want to do , thank you yes I am very good with my money , I factor in absolutely everything before I make any purchase outside of our basic needs , school meals , money for winter clothes when time comes , food obviously, electric, gas , school uniform and factor in the fact they tend to outgrown them mid year and need whole new one ... I don't blindly spend I work hard and I go without so my kids can have these things , I save a bit every week and I know in x amount of weeks I'll have money for next years pantomime, after that I'll start saving a bit for Halloween and those activities, as someone who really has it together in that regards I find the comments about insulting when they say you bought all these things you can't afford 🤣🤣 I know down to the penny what's coming in and out , I actually have a chart , I know what I can and can't afford , if only they knew 🤣🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 02/02/2025 20:18

daleylama · 02/02/2025 08:00

Such excellent advice. Thanks for taking the time to lay it out

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I did have the money to pay it off again he said he could pay the rates , I did the calculations it's not my fault when I bought these items I didn't factor in the fact my husband was a liar 🤷 thank you that means alot I'll defo take your advice on board 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 02/02/2025 20:17

daleylama · 31/01/2025 22:51

Take this person's advice seriously. Narcissist shmarsisist, cod psych labelling solves nothing, you need to sort this out.

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I wrote that lol

OP posts:

daleylama · 02/02/2025 08:00

SeaStoat · 01/02/2025 12:19

I am so sorry you are in this situation. He's betrayed your trust with this financial abuse.

You are in debt if you still owe money on a kitchen, Argos card and a sofa or have a car payment - even if at 0%. These are expenses that you didn't have money to pay for when you bought the item, and do not have the money to pay off today.

Lots of good advice above. If you are staying in your marriage, he needs to go to marriage counselling with you, have open book accounts and letters re anything financial including pensions, to add your name to the rates and any other communications that affect you. He also needs to explain his financial support for his parents so you can make a plan for that, repaying the rates debt, pensions and household management (including emergency funds) you are both agreed on.

I would credit check yourselves - him and you, just to rule out credit cards you don't know about. People who are bad with credit are profitable, so him having a card doesn't mean anything about his credit status. Check the house is in joint names and that there are no charges on it (security for debts that must be paid first if the house is sold). You also need wills and your name on any death in service benefits and pensions he may have - so you are sure what happens if he dies. If you are staying, you need a plan about pension provision - as you'll be looking after his financial needs when he stops work. Financial management and planning must involve both of you.

I've learnt a lot from using YNAB. It's a budgeting/money management app that has helped me realise how much we need to have, not just for maintenance of our house, car etc but also replacement of white goods, tech and our car and if our income stops. I've found debt reduction style youtube videos useful. I don't agree with Dave Ramsay's religious views and that marriages must have fully joint finance - but there's lots of useful process to learn from his channel, not just about digging oneself out of debt, but also target savings for replacements, Christmas, and pleasure (holidays, adult and children's hobbies and activities and doing up the house or having a new sofa etc), pension provision, living expenses if one or both partners lose their job or can no longer work. This will enable you to understand what will keep the kids' home safe - even if for a while the extras for the kids and meals out are stopped or reduced for a season. It's their security and your sanity that matters most.

You sound like an amazing mum, and have great skills to get you and the children through the next bit. I hope you have friends and family who can support you when you know whether he will work with you, and as you develop your plan to manage. Good luck with managing this and your job.

Such excellent advice. Thanks for taking the time to lay it out

SeaStoat · 01/02/2025 12:19

I am so sorry you are in this situation. He's betrayed your trust with this financial abuse.

You are in debt if you still owe money on a kitchen, Argos card and a sofa or have a car payment - even if at 0%. These are expenses that you didn't have money to pay for when you bought the item, and do not have the money to pay off today.

Lots of good advice above. If you are staying in your marriage, he needs to go to marriage counselling with you, have open book accounts and letters re anything financial including pensions, to add your name to the rates and any other communications that affect you. He also needs to explain his financial support for his parents so you can make a plan for that, repaying the rates debt, pensions and household management (including emergency funds) you are both agreed on.

I would credit check yourselves - him and you, just to rule out credit cards you don't know about. People who are bad with credit are profitable, so him having a card doesn't mean anything about his credit status. Check the house is in joint names and that there are no charges on it (security for debts that must be paid first if the house is sold). You also need wills and your name on any death in service benefits and pensions he may have - so you are sure what happens if he dies. If you are staying, you need a plan about pension provision - as you'll be looking after his financial needs when he stops work. Financial management and planning must involve both of you.

I've learnt a lot from using YNAB. It's a budgeting/money management app that has helped me realise how much we need to have, not just for maintenance of our house, car etc but also replacement of white goods, tech and our car and if our income stops. I've found debt reduction style youtube videos useful. I don't agree with Dave Ramsay's religious views and that marriages must have fully joint finance - but there's lots of useful process to learn from his channel, not just about digging oneself out of debt, but also target savings for replacements, Christmas, and pleasure (holidays, adult and children's hobbies and activities and doing up the house or having a new sofa etc), pension provision, living expenses if one or both partners lose their job or can no longer work. This will enable you to understand what will keep the kids' home safe - even if for a while the extras for the kids and meals out are stopped or reduced for a season. It's their security and your sanity that matters most.

You sound like an amazing mum, and have great skills to get you and the children through the next bit. I hope you have friends and family who can support you when you know whether he will work with you, and as you develop your plan to manage. Good luck with managing this and your job.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 31/01/2025 23:43

OP, if you were to sell the house, presumably having done a new kitchen, bathroom, etc., it will be worth more than you paid for it? So if you then paid off the items you have on finance, and any other debts, from the proceeds of sale, would it then leave YOU enough money each month to buy a smaller/cheaper house for you and your kids to live in, if it's so difficult to find a rental where you are? Just a thought, you've probably already worked it out, as you sound VERY savvy, unlike some posters have been trying to make out.

With regard to your DH, is he going to pay you the money for the rates back, now that you've set up the payment plan?

I think somewhere I read that you said you can't kick him out, presumably that's by law, is it? Only under circumstances like this, I would definitely want to kick his arse out, so if you were to say to him that he's told you lie after lie, put your home at risk, and still won't tell you where his money is going, then he owes it to his kids to move out, as you can't bear the sight of him, and will be tempted to knife him in his sleep if he stays, do you think he would move out then?

Finally (for now, lol) when you separated, but lived in the same house for 9 months, did YOU still pay for everything except the mortgage OP, or did he stump up half the bills, pay for his own food, etc?

daleylama · 31/01/2025 22:51

Derrygirl09 · 28/01/2025 22:54

Yh I suspect he's a narcissist tbh , he was amazing at first tho he's like a different person now

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Take this person's advice seriously. Narcissist shmarsisist, cod psych labelling solves nothing, you need to sort this out.

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 30/01/2025 14:26

WhenTheyComeForYou · 29/01/2025 20:40

What world are you living in? Most couples commit to joint housing costs which outweigh any single earning potential; that’s why people get critical illness and life cover.

Where I live, 3 bed houses start at around £350k for a shabby small one and £550k for a decent one. I earn £50k and couldn’t afford either option on my own when you add in all other bills.

OP sends her kids to clubs because she’s reassured that all bills are paid and she has excess. Clubs are a nice enhancement to her children’s lives which she thinks she can afford. Sadly, with a secretive, lying husband, it’s now transpired that she may not be able to afford it.

Thats not her fault. You can plan for someone having secret bills/payments. When you’re married, you have to assume your partner is honest.

I can’t believe you’re trying to make out this is OPs fault - what a stretch!

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Thank you 🙈 yes exactly, we decided jointly if we could afford to buy the house based on both wages coming in as a family , then I decided if I could afford the kids clubs ect with money I had after all my bills were paid after being reassured that his side was taking care off , I mean we both decided swimming would be a good idea , our daughters would enjoy horse riding ect he did have a saying in it all , not like I disregarded any bills so that I could put my children into clubs , I decided to put my children into clubs with money that I thought was left over after all bills were taking care off , nobody just sits on money and lets their kids go without just incase their husband is telling them he's paid an important bill to keep their house and he's lying about it 🙈, for what's it worth no I woudlnt be able to afford the entire house by myself but the rates are only about 10 pound a week or so I could have afford that so I had to assume he was paying it , he was paying the mortgage but not the 10 pound a week in rates 🥺

OP posts:

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 30/01/2025 14:20

OnYerselfHen · 30/01/2025 13:25

@Derrygirl09

if you have easy access to his phone, would you be able to check his bank app?I know it's snooping but I think I would need to play detective to get answers. Maybe even check his messages 👀

edited as previously said 'your phone'.

Edited

O I can see his texts WhatsApps Facebook ect but don't know pin for his banking

OP posts:

MixedBananas · 30/01/2025 13:27

MissConductUS · 28/01/2025 20:17

Do you have any idea where the money has gone?

This

OnYerselfHen · 30/01/2025 13:25

@Derrygirl09

if you have easy access to his phone, would you be able to check his bank app?I know it's snooping but I think I would need to play detective to get answers. Maybe even check his messages 👀

edited as previously said 'your phone'.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/01/2025 10:05

Towishwelltoall · 30/01/2025 08:25

Do seek advice and support on the financial side of things. Managing to pay off (eventually, in due course) Council rates is far, far smaller calamity than many others (such as a traumatic accident, a traumatic health issue, etc). So cheer up on this side of things. There are several organisations that help people navigate through financial matters. A visit or a phone call to the Council will be a great start -- but there are others which the local library may give you details of. As to the matters of relationships etc., there is time for finance (first) and there is time for relationships. Nothing much is lost. Cheer up. Good luck.

good advice

Original poster

Derrygirl09 · 30/01/2025 10:03

dementedmummy · 29/01/2025 21:04

Unfortunately that means nothing. My now ex husband run £10k in debt on an income of £150 a month (that was his fun money from my salary, while I had nothing as he was a stay at home dad) through gambling. That was the first time. £18k was the second time and when he became the ex. I'm thinking the following are likely:

your husband is a gambler - he can't pay his bills but has taken out a credit card and yet still hasn't used the credit card to pay the bills. Huge red flag for me
he has a side piece that he is financing
he is financing his parents to the detriment of your family unit. Any combination of the above. He says its his business because he knows if he shows you the statements you will either find out what he has been up to and end the marriage, you will challenge him on his spending or best case scenario he is totally delusional and he thinks he can stall you to buy time to fix the black hole. Difficult though it is, I think you need to be firm that this is make or break time. All info needs to go on the table including all debts and obligations, however horrific. If he can do that and show the bank statements, you have a chance of working through things together. If he can't, this is never going to work as you are always going to be wondering what the next financial crisis is going to be. Look up Dave Ramsay baby steps. I'm not saying it's for every one, but it got me out of the financial stook after my husband decimated our finances and got me to being debt free on a single income with children and no maintenance (not because he was denying the children but he was on benefits after I slung his hook and had never had to run a house before - it's different now that his mental health is better). Good luck - you can absolutely do this.

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Really coudlnt see it being a side piece tbh , he never leaves the house tbh , I'm not a woman who would be in denial tbh if its just very highly unlikely, I also have complete access to his phone and use it all time when my phones charging ect so defo no secrecy were that's concerned, only social media he has I set up for him and hes never posted in his life 🤣 so that would be highly unlikely but stranger things have happened ,

OP posts:

SoapySponge · 30/01/2025 08:30

Overthebow · 28/01/2025 20:22

What are rates? What is it he hasn’t been paying?

Property tax funding local govt. We had them in the UK pre-Council Tax. Think NI still has them.

Towishwelltoall · 30/01/2025 08:25

Do seek advice and support on the financial side of things. Managing to pay off (eventually, in due course) Council rates is far, far smaller calamity than many others (such as a traumatic accident, a traumatic health issue, etc). So cheer up on this side of things. There are several organisations that help people navigate through financial matters. A visit or a phone call to the Council will be a great start -- but there are others which the local library may give you details of. As to the matters of relationships etc., there is time for finance (first) and there is time for relationships. Nothing much is lost. Cheer up. Good luck.

Mervyco · 30/01/2025 02:19

Rates are a tax the local Council/Municipality put on the land/house that you own.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 02:17

Rosscameasdoody · 29/01/2025 20:04

It’s now council tax.

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Nope, they're definitely Rates in NI, paid to the LPS.

Whatinthedoopla · 30/01/2025 01:29

Omg this exact thing happened to me! But we were renting, and found out through his credit score when we tried to buy a house.

What I did was put my foot down on what our finances are. You have to put reminders everywhere, know your dates, numbers and make sure he shoes you what has been paid

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/01/2025 00:59

Well done for ringing and sorting payment plan OP. Make sure its him that pays it! Stage two next - a mediator to help sort the financials if you can't get a straight answer.