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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

284 replies

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 14:21

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

OP posts:
saltandvinegarchipsticks · 28/01/2025 21:40

Nine bridesmaids will just look ridiculous. But of course she needs to pay.

NewHeaven · 28/01/2025 21:15

I would decline being her bridesmaid; she clearly wants the Hollywood style flash wedding without paying for it herself. It would be advisable for her to have less bridesmaids so she can then cover the costs herself. It seems cheeky to ask the bridesmaids to pay for dresses that they'd only wear once.

Greyish2025 · 28/01/2025 20:57

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 19:01

I spoke to bride on way home from work, I called her and reminded her of the reason i couldn’t do the long weekend hen party and could only do 1 day due to money so I said I’d be happy to purchase a dress of around £25-35 which is what I’d spend on a guest dress but couldn’t do £115. I said I’ve already got some nude heels and will do my own make up but hair I’d have to think about depending on costs. Have now found out there’s 9 bridemaids not 7. Think her DP put the pressure on and said “you need to have my cousins as we’re close and to ensure 9 bridemaids aren’t too expensive we can ask them to buy their own dress”
Anyway bride is now going to have to rethink her options and said she might just do any colour or find a cheaper dress.

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Well done!
You seemed like you handled it well.

I would nearly think of deleting this post now as you wouldn’t want her or some of the brides family to see it

Mermaidsarereal · 28/01/2025 19:36

Yes, the bride should pay! I only had 3 bridesmaids (including my daughter) but paid for their dresses, hair and make up.

I'm bridesmaid for a friend in March, she's bought our dresses and is paying for our hair but we are paying for our own make up.

amandie · 28/01/2025 19:36

Bride should definitely pay.

northernballer · 28/01/2025 19:34

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times and never paid for anything other than my make up (optional) and shoes (chose our own in a neutral colour so could wear again).

I couldn't have afforded all my own dresses, I had 3 in a month once!

Peanut91 · 28/01/2025 19:33

When I got married 9 years ago I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses and hair as I chose the dress and hairstyle. The girls could then choose their shoes and whether they wanted to pay to get their makeup done or do it their selves

Waterweight · 28/01/2025 19:31

Penguinmouse · 28/01/2025 19:30

Nine bridesmaids, my goodness.

Yh 9 bridesmaid no F-ing way that's affordable

Penguinmouse · 28/01/2025 19:30

Nine bridesmaids, my goodness.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 28/01/2025 19:19

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 16:43

I think this is OK. Most people would either have a blue dress in waldrobe or charity shop / Vinted one.

Bride wants a specific £115 dress and has asked us to wear nude heels. Wants a specific hair do that I couldn’t do myself.

We all are expected to be there at 5am on the day too probably due to 8 of us getting ready plus mother of bride so had to book a 2 night stay in hotel that cost £170 a night

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Sod that. Cheeky cow(her not you).

Original poster
Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 19:14

RampantIvy · 28/01/2025 19:09

Well done for talking to her @Runrabbit123
The bride sounds like she is listening to you and wants you there. I hope she finds a sensible solution.

I don’t think I’m the first person to talk to her about it if I’m honest, it sounds like a couple of the girls have mentioned the costs

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 28/01/2025 19:09

Well done for talking to her @Runrabbit123
The bride sounds like she is listening to you and wants you there. I hope she finds a sensible solution.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/01/2025 19:08

DaisyChain505 · 28/01/2025 15:43

My bridesmaid purchased their dresses however I let them have free rein on what they purchased, they just had a colour scheme to stick to.

Make up and hair was optional but they would have been paying for themselves.

Our wedding was low key and relaxed and if I had paid for all of the dresses, make up and hair etc it would have added over £1000 to our very small budget.

I think this is fair. If the bride dictates, and if it isn't really wearable again, then bride pays. Likewise, if she wants everyone to have their hair done, she pays. If she doesn't mind if you do your own, then it is your choice if you do, and therefore you pay if you want to.

HT2222 · 28/01/2025 19:07

9?? Ridiculous

Hankunamatata · 28/01/2025 19:05

She shouldn't have so many bridesmaids if she can't afford to pay for the dresses.

Make up and hair on the fence as i did my own and my bridesmaids

viques · 28/01/2025 19:01

If the bride says it then the bride pays it.

Original poster
Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 19:01

RampantIvy · 28/01/2025 18:55

If only more bridesmaids kicked back at these unreasonable requests.

If a bride wants an instagram wedding she pays.

@Runrabbit123 please resign. The bridezilla will just keep piling on more costs for her Instagram wedding

I spoke to bride on way home from work, I called her and reminded her of the reason i couldn’t do the long weekend hen party and could only do 1 day due to money so I said I’d be happy to purchase a dress of around £25-35 which is what I’d spend on a guest dress but couldn’t do £115. I said I’ve already got some nude heels and will do my own make up but hair I’d have to think about depending on costs. Have now found out there’s 9 bridemaids not 7. Think her DP put the pressure on and said “you need to have my cousins as we’re close and to ensure 9 bridemaids aren’t too expensive we can ask them to buy their own dress”
Anyway bride is now going to have to rethink her options and said she might just do any colour or find a cheaper dress.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 28/01/2025 18:55

If only more bridesmaids kicked back at these unreasonable requests.

If a bride wants an instagram wedding she pays.

@Runrabbit123 please resign. The bridezilla will just keep piling on more costs for her Instagram wedding

Mel2023 · 28/01/2025 18:53

If the bride wants bridesmaids to have hair and make up done, wear a certain dress, shoes accessories etc then she should pay. If she isn’t bothered about these things/maybe can’t afford them then she has no right to ask bridesmaids to pay, but she should be happy for them to do their own hair/makeup, wear their own dresses perhaps in the colour scheme (and not expect them to buy one especially) and accessories etc. Being a bridesmaid often comes with added costs for the bridal party anyway, such as Hen Do, so as a bride I wouldn’t want to impose any more costs than necessary. However, some brides do take absolutely liberties.

I found it difficult when I was bridesmaid for my best friend and her Hen Do (as she requested a certain place) cost me hundreds of £. She then asked all of us to order our bridesmaid dresses from a high street clothing brand - she paid for them but when they arrived and didn’t fit any of us right (too long, too big/small and trying other sizes didn’t help) she told us she didn’t have the budget for alterations and we’d have to get them done ourselves and pay for them. She requested we all have our nails done for the day (and a fake tan but a “good quality one at a salon”, I got out of that one because fake tan flares my eczema up) - so that was another expense. It all started adding up. I lived hours away from the venue so DH and I paid for a hotel the night of the wedding (I didn’t mind this as it’s often the case with things due to where we live and it was our choice to stay over). But I did mind 3 days before the wedding the bride texting us all asking for £100 each to pay our share of the cottage the night before - we’d been told this was covered and included in her wedding package but it obviously wasn’t.

So when I got married I insisted on nothing fancy or expensive for the Hen Do, paid for hair, make up, dresses (and alterations after a few bridesmaids got their measurements wrong and the custom made dresses arrived sized wrong). I let everyone wear their own accessories and shoes as I wanted them to be comfortable.

RampantIvy · 28/01/2025 18:53

Poppyseeds79 · 28/01/2025 14:36

I'd say I couldn't afford it, still happy to come as a guest instead.

Absolutely this.

I think anyone who has been invited to be a bridesmaid needs to ask how much it is going to cost them to fulfill this "honour"

I'd say something along the lines of "thank you for asking me, but I really can't afford to be a bridesmaid, but would love to come as a guest"

modernshmodern · 28/01/2025 18:29

When I got married I had three bridesmaids, I paid for dresses and hair as I had specific ideas. They wore any nude shoe amd make up was optional. I also paid for flowers. We also paid for best mans suit hire.

When dhs best man got married a few years later he had 4 best men (including dh) not only did they get married abroad so we had the cost of a five star hotel stay but the best men had to pay for their own suits. So it cost him £80 to attend our wedding (hotel for one night) and it cost us about £1400 to attend his wedding

bumbers1 · 28/01/2025 18:20

Bride should pay.

Are you going to say anything to her?

Topjoe19 · 28/01/2025 18:09

I paid for it all for my bridesmaid, except for shoes which she already had, including the overnight stay at hotel. She travelled a distance to attend my wedding & be my bridesmaid so I can't imagine expecting her to have forked out for anything!

Dahliasrule · 28/01/2025 18:05

I still can’t get over being asked to pay for my DD’s hired bridesmaid dress in the 80s. She was asked as a last minute stand in. It wasn’t cheap either, £50 in the 80s!

DaisyChain505 · 28/01/2025 17:55

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 16:43

I think this is OK. Most people would either have a blue dress in waldrobe or charity shop / Vinted one.

Bride wants a specific £115 dress and has asked us to wear nude heels. Wants a specific hair do that I couldn’t do myself.

We all are expected to be there at 5am on the day too probably due to 8 of us getting ready plus mother of bride so had to book a 2 night stay in hotel that cost £170 a night

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See that’s a big difference between this situation and when I asked bridesmaids to pay for their dresses.

I gave them a colour scheme and then they could choose any dress they wanted.

I said they could wear whatever shoes they wanted meaning they didn’t have to buy new.

I said they could have their hair however they wanted meaning they could do something they were comfortable and confident doing themselves.

I got married locally meaning no one had to pay for accommodation.

If there were other costs adding up for my bridesmaids I would have paid for something along the way. Either accommodation or the dress etc.