Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

I agree with the pp who said that we are seeing US culture and there is now a merging of ideas eg multiple bridesmaids, all the men wearing matching outfits with waistcoats etc. This is expensive and often uses up budget that would otherwise have been spent on the meal and general fun. Your wedding and marriage won't be more of a success because of nine bridesmaids! Your family and friends will remember hanging about for hours for the bridal party to be photographed, inadequate food, warm wine etc and not in a good way.

Your friend is a total cheapskate. I hate how so many people feel it’s acceptable to ask bridesmaids etc to pay for their dresses.

I had 6 bridesmaids, I paid for their dresses. I didn’t have a lot of money and wanted to be sustainable so I said, I’ll pay for your dress, I’d like it to be second hand and something you’ll wear again - choose a dress in X shade and I’ll buy it for you. With shoes, I said wear whatever is comfortable - doesn’t matter on colour etc. Everyone was in long dresses so you couldn’t see them anyways…!!

With hair and make up, I said if you want it professionally doing you will have to cover the cost yourself but you’re more than welcome to do your own hair and make up in whatever style you like ❤️

Everyone was happy and no one was out of pocket.

I've just read your update. 5am is bonkers. You're not working down a coalmine, it's a wedding.
It's enough just to get there a bit before the ceremony to wish her luck.

As pp have said 7 bridesmaids is a lot. She clearly wants a big wedding, but maybe the budget doesn't match.
There's no need for a hairdresser, just do your hair as usual for an event. Makeup artists are a recent thing, and not necessary. So it boils down to the dress. If you can't afford a new dress, just pull out of being a bridesmaid.

I paid for my bridesmaids dress and hair. They wore their own shoes, did their own make up (and mine!) they also organised the hen do so kept it to their budget.

if a bride wants something specific then they should be paying for it themselves. Unless the bridesmaids chose their dress and they can wear them dresses again the bride should pay. Hair, makeup etc, if the bride wants it they should pay. All too often we are getting brides asking guests to shell out hundreds of pounds for their wedding. If a bride can’t afford bridesmaids then don’t have them.

YANBU @Runrabbit123, well done for
challenging it. She’s a CF.

Bride should pay.
if she can’t afford to pay for 7 bridesmaid then she shouldn’t have 7.
it’s incredibly unfair to ask people to pay out to be a part of your wedding.

I paid for dresses, hair and flowers. Bridesmaids paid for their own shoes & we did our own make up.
likewise when I was asked to be a bridesmaid- same thing.
i think if you can’t afford the money to buy dress and have your hair done and she also can’t afford to buy them for you there should be no hard feelings but brides do be crazy when it comes to weddings so no telling if she’ll be reasonable or not. Fww yanbu

When I was bridesmaid, bride paid for dress & shoes. We paid for hair & makeup. This happened on both occasions. When I was getting married, I paid for it all as I was happy to. I paid for all wedding party (mothers) to have hair & makeup done & it was a lovely experience with us all going to beautician & hairdresser together. DP is an only child & his Mum loved being part of the girlie preparations. We took bubbles down to the salon etc & had a great time. I paid it all ahead so when bridesmaids went to try to pay, they’d a lovely surprise that it was all taken care of. They didn’t know by who & I told them it was my Mum. They still don’t know!

Fine for the bride not to pay if she's happy for you to wear a nice dress and shoes you already own, and to do your own hair and makeup. If she wants things her own way then she ought to pay for them.

Don’t even get me started on the stag and hen do me and my DH have been invited to!

"Sorry, we can't afford to come to your expensive abroad wedding and attend the stag and hen dos as well" should suffice.

Edited to add that people like your brother and SIL to be get away with unreasonable demands because people don't kick back.

Am finding this discussion very helpful as I’m in the same dilemma and don’t know what to say/do next! My brothers wedding is costing us a small fortune (est.£1.8k all in) due to where it is (to save them a couple of thousand it is literally costing their guests tens of thousands cumulatively to attend and our parents might not even be able to attend due to their declining health). It’s on a bank holiday and not somewhere we can easily ‘make’ a holiday out of either.
My daughters have been asked to be flower girls, obviously they’re very excited. I posed a question about dresses the other day as heard nothing and was met with a response of ‘I don’t mind when you buy them’. They’ll just be a generic white floaty dress with maybe a colour ribbon, but they’re toddler/preschoolers, you can’t reuse a white dress! I haven’t replied yet as I was a bit shocked on the assumption. I may have offered towards it anyway but I feel a bit affronted, and add in shoes, cardigan and hair bow etc and it’s easily going to be £200 for two children’s outfits. I begrudge it in all honesty.

I also don’t know if the grown up bridesmaids are being asked to pay for their dresses or not. We are financially ok thankfully, but obviously have lots of outgoings with a young family and I wonder if they’ve just assumed we can afford it as we’re better off than them - but we are 7/8 years older too! Attending their weekend wedding is the same cost as a family holiday! So even with us being ok money wise, this won’t come without its sacrifices on what we can’t spend our money on as a result.

I had 4 bridesmaids, 3 flower girls and paid for all dresses and even shoes for the little ones.
I’ve been bridesmaid three times - once was a ‘wear whatever floaty dress you like with bare feet or sandals’ where we paid and was made clear, and the other two the dresses were traditional in the sense that it matched the colour theme and I wouldn’t rewear them, so the bride paid but I got my own shoes.

Don’t even get me started on the stag and hen do me and my DH have been invited to!

So OP, no - you are not being unreasonable. The bride should pay or have made it clear at the outset and had that discussion with you all.

Now… I’m off to try and find the right words to say to my brother without becoming the family pariah!

I feel like the bride should pay for it if she wants things done a certain way for her wedding, and if she can't afford it maybe just let bridesmaids do their own hair and makeup and pay just for her own to be done but if she wants you all in certain dresses that are unlikely going to be used again she should budget for that and pay for it, for my wedding I just had my children and my neice as bridesmaids so obviously just bought them all matching dresses myself and my brothers girlfriend did my hair as a wedding present (she's a hairdresser) so that was sorted and I just did my own makeup on the day

I get ya. your right smaller is more special

@Wexone I said I’d rather not and that really didn’t she feel 10 bridesmaids was too many. It’s not really an honour when there’s that many. That my other sister and I would rather not and just enjoy her day. She is known for spectacular tantrums so I did to keep the peace and keep wider family out of it. We aren’t close now, and weren’t then - and I just don’t get it! Still don’t.

i hope you weren't one of them and also told your sis this was so wrong

She should have the number of bridesmaids she can afford. My little sister did this - had an excessive number of bridesmaids and made
us pay for our dresses 🤮 No just don’t do it!

NINE bridesmaids? It will look like a photoshoot for OK magazine. Is she marrying afootballer? Steer clear of this tack fest even if you win the lottery, I would.

I've been a bridesmaid twice since I've been married (I didn't have bridesmaids myself).
Both times the dress was bought for me, the first time, hair and makeup was also paid, the second time we did our own. Shoes were of our choosing.
I've never known a bridesmaid in the UK be asked to pay for their own dress!
If she's having 7 of them, that sounds like a big wedding to me and I can't see that there won't be a rigid theme to follow! She's hardly likely to just say "this is the shade of pink" and leave the bridesmaids to it! That would all be a bit haphazard. You'd end up with "fluffy" dresses, plain dresses, short, long, sleeveless, sleeves. That would look messy!
I think I'd politely decline, say that since you agreed your circumstances have changed and you can't afford to pay out for a dress you'll probably only wear once.

But then the size of the party is determined by the bride. Cut cloth according to your means

My bridesmaids did their own hair and makeup. I think they bought the shoes which were really inexpensive so they offered. I bought the dresses although I deliberately chose ones they could, and did, wear again. I bought evening dresses rather than bridesmaids ones as they were a sixth of the price!

It's a US thing to expect bridesmaids to pay for everything. If you want to have seven of them you need to pay for it not expect them to pay for the honour!

I've been to weddings where my overnight accommodation was also paid for. Now that's truly special!

I think anything the bride specifically wants she should pay for. Including dresses. I paid for everyone’s dresses. I also paid for hair and makeup as I wanted everyone to look similarly done up for photos etc but gave people the option not to if that made them uncomfortable. I told people to wear whatever shoes they felt comfortable in as I wasn’t fussed. so some chose to treat themselves and some chose to wear shoes they already had.

Bride should pay. I paid for dresses, flowers, hair. Bridesmaids paid for their own makeup but that was their choice, they could have done their own and I wouldn’t have minded one bit.

Of course the bride pays. I never heard of anything else apart from in mumsnet. I. Real life the bride pays. Yanbu. If the bride doesn't do be a bridesmaid.

Bride wants a specific 'look' eg dress, hairdo, she pays

Bride says wear what you want, Bride doesn't pay

Bride has requirements but keeps them loose e.g. Wear something in a common colour like 'any shade of blue' or 'pastel' then probably somewhere in the middle.

If bridesmaids want something very specific then they should pay or contribute