Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

I have been a bridesmaid 3 times as an adult

i have never paid for my own dress
i have never worn those dresses again
i did buy shoes for one of them. And pay for hair neither of which were my choice

I would resign and say you’re much happier being a
guest

I paid for my bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes and bouquets. I didn’t pay for their hair and makeup but it wasn’t a requirement from me for them to have it professionally done. They did their own.

Bride should pay for all the reasons you stated. It’s the brides wedding and her choice of dress and the colour scheme, why should you be out of pocket for that. I’ve never heard of bridesmaids paying for the dresses until this thread.
edited to add bride pays for hair and makeup too.

Both my elder daughters had the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, it was any dresses in a colour/theme. Dd1 paid for their hair and makeup (and accommodation) whilst dd2 had another friend do the hair and make up (wedding local so no accommodation needed). I think if a particular dress is required the bride should pay.

I've been a bridesmaid twice in the UK, 13 years ago and 1 year ago. Both times I bought my own dress.
First time it was totally my choice, second time we were asked to get something in the sage green-ish category.
Both times I did my own hair and make-up, but they were fairly low key weddings.

I got married in 2017 and pair for dress, shoes and accessories for my 3 bridesmaids. I paid for my chief bridesmaids hair and make up as she was literally amazing!! My other 2 paid for themselves BUT it was optional, I didn’t say they HAD to pay for it. They could have sourced their own or done their own.

Nine bridesmaids is bloody ridiculous! No wonder she wants you all to pay.

We paid for my (3) bridesmaids’ dresses and hair - the dresses were a dark colour and floor length so just asked them to buy some black strappy sandals or wear some they already had. We paid their hotel bills as well. Weddings have got a bit over the top in recent years. There are cheaper online options dress else these days though.

YANBU.

I could’ve written this. A couple of year ago, a friend decided to have 8 friends as bridesmaids. We’re colleagues, so although jt was nice to be asked, I didn’t really see us as that close. However, I said yes as it would’ve been incredibly awkward to say no. I later regretted this as the whole thing (hen do, wedding accommodation, travel, wedding gift, hair) cost me over £600. I was absolutely livid by the end and I could’ve kicked myself for ever saying yes. It definitely marred my experience of her day as I was so cross about the amount of money I’d forked out. It was never ending as well, once the hen do was booked, “if you want to join in the cocktail making, can you send another £10 each please”
I’m still slightly bitter about it to this day🤣 but completely my own fault for agreeing to it all. I wish I’d had more of a backbone and said no!
Agree with PP as it’s definitely tacky. If you can’t afford 7 bridesmaids - you shouldn’t have them! No one should be telling you how to spend your hard earned cash.

I'm in the UK and both dd1 and dd2 had their bridesmaids pay for their dresses but they paid for the hair and makeup. Neither were super prescriptive about the dresses - one wanted a particular shade of red but any style and the other wanted the dresses to be flowery but again any style. All bridesmaids were adult except dd3 who was 11/13 and I paid for hers

You aren't being unreasonable. It's still common place for brides to pay for the dress at the very least and have no expectations of the bridesmaid to pay for hair and make up unless they want to. If someone's needing or wanting you to pay for anything or everything then hey should be telling you upfront when they ask you to be bridesmaid

I don't believe I've ever been to a wedding with 7 bridesmaids. It's overkill.

Who even notices the bridesmaids shoes anyway @BlackSwan?

I tend to think the bride should pay, especially if the dresses are particularly ‘formal/bridesmaidy’ and unlikely to be worn again. The bride could always sell
them after. But I can see why some bridesmaids pay if the bride is happy for a less formal look and not too hung up on a certain look/colour scheme.
Ditto with hair and make up- if they want a certain look they should pay. If they are happy for people to use their own hair and make up skills then fine, they can save money in that area. In both cases it wouldn’t be fair for them to to expect bridesmaids to pay for formal do’s.
You would not be unreasonable to say you haven’t the budget for this, especially if you factor in a wedding gift/travel/accommodation/drinks. If I were a bride expecting bridesmaids to pay I would be saying to them not to get me a gift! Is that an option?

She is having 7 bridesmaids because she expects them to pay for themselves, and she is not ready to pay for 7. So, apologise ad say you cannot afford it. If she really wants you, she will pony up for you, and ask you not to tell the others.

In the U.K. the bride pays for dress and if applicable hair and make up

I paid for everything for bridemaids, except hen night

I was once required to pay for the bridesmaid's dress I would be wearing. The bride selected the dress. I paid. Then I bought some elegant shoes to go with it. The dress was floor length so the shoes not really on show anyway.

I then stopped working... The bride declared I needed to buy different shoes to match everyone else's. I said no, if you want me to wear different shoes, you can pay for them.

She had a tantrum & I told her I didn't want to be her bridesmaid & attend her wedding. Then she left me a load of messages demanding I sell her the bridesmaid's dress for a different bridesmaid. I refused - the dress was nice & now I had matching shoes. She went ballistic.
Fell out completely over it.

I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses & shoes. And bought them gifts. As should always be the case.

The bride should be paying for the dress. It’s outrageous to think that someone would expect you to pay for something you will only wear once and is of their choosing for their special day! As to the hair and make up that should be optional and I think it would be ok for the bridesmaid to pay for that if they want it to be done. However, if the bride is insisting on professional hair and make up, then they should pay!

I think this is one of the side-effect of celebrity / influencer culture.
Weddings used to be joyous occasions where two people got married and were delighted if friends and family were able and willing to celebrate with them. If someone was asked to perform a special role at the ceremony, the costs were covered by the couple, grateful that the person had accepted the role.

Now weddings have become massive, overblown VIP events, designed purely to flatter the vanity of the couple (or more specifically, the bride), and anyone attending is expected to be grateful to have this honour bestowed on them. The absolute least that can be expected is that they remortgage their house to cover all associated costs, give their children and pets up for adoption, and take a month's unpaid leave in order to attend.

Agree that the American culture is coming over the UK more and more on this. I think bride should buy dress and anything else eg shoes and accessories if they want bridesmaids matching. If they don’t want matching I don’t think bride needs to pay. Hair and make up I’m on the fence, it’s nice to have but if it’s not mandated then again I don’t think the bride should pay - if it is then she should.

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times. My experience was that the bride paid for the dress and bridesmaids paid for everything else. But I know some people have paid for their own dresses particularly when they get a say in them. So it’s definitely something that depends…

I can't get over the 5 a.m. start! That sounds exhausting

I had one bridesmaid and one flower girl. I couldn’t afford more. Bridesmaid had her dress and hair paid for. We did our own makeup and she wore her own shoes.

Yea she should be paying. I didn't have bridesmaids for this reason, I had 4/5 close friends but meant the cost to me would have been a lot. So to avoid offending anyone and having to pick who I wanted and having the cost outlay we just had a flower girl so paid for her dress about £30 from memory. The hairstylist did a little up do which was about 5 min job and I asked the flower lady to do a little bunch of gypsophila so super reasonable. My brother's I just bought them the colour ties I wanted and said where whatever suits you wanted and that you already had. The rest of the party was military anyway so we're in uniform. So much less stressful x