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To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

706 replies

DazedorBemused · 28/01/2025 10:27

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

OP posts:
InveterateWineDrinker · 07/02/2025 12:32

Also lots of hoarded cleaning products in one of her sheds that have deteriorated over decades they had to be disposed of.

My father paid to ship about a dozen bottles of bleach from one continent to another, even though the place he was moving to had a septic tank and was therefore not compatible with bleach. Three decades later the bloody stuff is still there...

ViciousCurrentBun · 07/02/2025 11:11

I have found this thread both sad and useful.

We have started to get rid of stuff as newly retired and MIL house has given DH the kick up the backside he needed. He stayed with her for a week and he realised the absolute depth of her hoarding tendencies, she even has the bike she had in WWIl but hasn’t ridden a bike since DH was a small child. Also lots of hoarded cleaning products in one of her sheds that have deteriorated over decades they had to be disposed of.

pinkgrevillea · 07/02/2025 04:23

TheignT · 06/02/2025 20:58

I sympathised, I and others gave her good advice. I used the term she used. She doesn't need to be clearing it out, she been advised numerous times to get a clearance company in. No need for anyone to be a martyr.

No need to be a total dick either.

mathanxiety · 07/02/2025 00:41

ElizaMulvil · 31/01/2025 23:18

And this is why we need to make History particularly recentish 20th Century History compulsory.

Very, very few people born 1930, 40, 50s stayed on at school past 14 or 15. So no, they didn't get free Uni - they got no Uni, no A levels, no O Levels ( GCSE). This is why the campaign for Comprehensive Education which was only coming in 1970s in the main, was and still is so important. The curtailing of most people's ability to better themselves was criminal. Backed by falsified 'research' proving that there were different types of people with a fixed IQ which could be tested for at 10-11 etc. Shameless politicised "academics" making up the proof to make sure most people couldn't progress. It wasn't until Prof Brian Simon trawled through the 'proof' that it became public that it had been made up.

Equal pay for women wasn't a thing until the1960s +. So eg there was separate scale for women teachers' pay - 3/4 of men's. The NAS ( National Association of SchoolMASTERS) split from the NUT to campaign against equal pay for women.

Discrimination at work against women,Irish, Jews, Catholics, racial minorities was rife. ( Huge amounts of unemployment - most women who had worked in factories during the War were summarily sacked in 1945). No employment protection so summary sackings rife, line ups where employers picked out a few men toward that day on the Docks.

Girls who had much higher marks than boys were forced into Secondary Modern Schools and had to leave at 15 with no qualifications because schools were segregated by sex. Most girls were not allowed to study 'boys' subjects so no engineering, woodwork etc. No cookery for boys.There were only 3 Cambridge Colleges for women v about 30 for men. Many courses refused women or had a quota ( Medicine).

Maternity pay was 11 weeks before the birth and 7 weeks after - yes SEVEN only in eg Teaching in 1960s even, Usually this was irrelevant as you'd be sacked. Until 1944 ish women were sacked if they married hence we call women teachers Miss.

There was no reliable contraception ie no pill. Women lived in a perpetual fear of becoming pregnant and being summarily sacked. No access to ( legal) abortion. Very little ante natal care,

Infectious diseases were rife - TB, diptheria, measles, polio and no/very little preventative medecine. No Health and Safety. If you had an accident at work you were likely to be sacked not compensated.

Housing was grim post War. Huge areas of the Cities were bomb sites, or filled with back to backs or 2 up 2 downs housing families of 6-10 or more. Rented ( eg Rackman) of course not bought. Buying a fantasy for most and all women who were not allowed to have mortgages, credit, loans eg hence the Teachers' Building Society founded to help women.

How I wish I had lived in the Golden Years Fantasy that is now the Boomer Age.

Excellent post.

Juliagreeneyes · 06/02/2025 23:17

Papyrophile · 06/02/2025 22:35

I'm left feeling that most posters are wallowing in self-indulgent emotional whinges. It would probably benefit all of us if more people could row back to a stiff upper lip, sort what's needed and get on with life.

Edited

One might surmise that this exact philosophy of life is precisely what led to older generations quite literally “bottling up” all their emotions in objects; hoarding things “for best” that they denied themselves the enjoyment of at the time; and overvaluing the handing on of pseudo-“precious” trinkets to their offspring as tokens of self-worth and sentimental value.

Papyrophile · 06/02/2025 22:35

I'm left feeling that most posters are wallowing in self-indulgent emotional whinges. It would probably benefit all of us if more people could row back to a stiff upper lip, sort what's needed and get on with life.

Vitamindes · 06/02/2025 22:26

TheignT · 06/02/2025 20:55

I'm not childish so didn't report you.

I didn't report you either, someone else clearly did though eh

TheignT · 06/02/2025 20:58

pinkgrevillea · 06/02/2025 12:38

Sometimes it is better to be honest, I'm not the one online slagging off my dead parents.

gosh what a judgemental, crappy comment. OP is grieving. It's not as if anyone will recognise her parents, and her parents are no longer here to read this, so I'm not sure why you think you have to right to shame someone who is clearly feeling a lot of emotions, one of which is anger. She's clearing out her parents' home. It's a hard thing to do. Have some empathy or sod off.

I sympathised, I and others gave her good advice. I used the term she used. She doesn't need to be clearing it out, she been advised numerous times to get a clearance company in. No need for anyone to be a martyr.

TheignT · 06/02/2025 20:55

Vitamindes · 01/02/2025 18:57

Childish? Your post was deleted....🤔

I'm not childish so didn't report you.

pinkgrevillea · 06/02/2025 12:38

Sometimes it is better to be honest, I'm not the one online slagging off my dead parents.

gosh what a judgemental, crappy comment. OP is grieving. It's not as if anyone will recognise her parents, and her parents are no longer here to read this, so I'm not sure why you think you have to right to shame someone who is clearly feeling a lot of emotions, one of which is anger. She's clearing out her parents' home. It's a hard thing to do. Have some empathy or sod off.

Mumlifebalance · 02/02/2025 18:43

Why are you doing it? Let your brother do it.

Idisagreewithu · 02/02/2025 09:34

This was going to be a reply but it's not. I'm going to keep my own counsel. Hopefully a step away from living voyeueristically on the internet

Enough4me · 01/02/2025 22:49

@TheignT it's normal to feel angry when your parents haven't been fair. OP can vent away on here as much as she likes. It isn't for you to tell her not to. If you don't like reading other people's thoughts and feelings a chat site probably isn't the best place for you. Maybe go off and listen to soothing music.

IamMoodyBlue · 01/02/2025 22:16

I really feel for you!
A lot has already bern written so this is short & not addressing specific points.
But;
Families are often not fair.
There are favourites. These often do very, very little, but get a lot done for them and given to them.
There are the forgotten, ignored and unappreciated. These often do the lion's share of caring, supporting, helping, listening.
There's often no justice in families.
That's the way it is.
So I understand.
It's normal and natural to feel as you do.
When you can, start looking forward to things again.
Be kind to yourself!

ClaireMillar · 01/02/2025 20:18

I feel your pain. Did this recently for my MIL who was a hoarder and her behaviour almost broke the family over the years because she refused to acknowledge the impact it had on her own children and grandchildren. And then clearing out their stuff when they’re infirm or have passed away brings up a whole host of resentments. You are only human and your feelings are perfectly natural but need to be processed. Two things I took from the experience.. I will never leave my children to deal with my stuff. It’s horrendous and very selfish to leave it to them when there is ample opportunity to sort it during your own lifetime. Second, I am not convinced it’s generational. My parents are the same age as my MIL and are the opposite of hoarders. They’re very minimalist. A lot of it is due to personality imo.

Windowsand · 01/02/2025 19:04

TheignT · 01/02/2025 18:31

Lots of people have suggested just paying a house clearance company to do it.

So did I pages back.
But if the OP wants to tease shit out, let her.
Simply don't read the thread if it offends you so much and leave the OP alone to vent....

Vitamindes · 01/02/2025 18:57

TheignT · 01/02/2025 18:28

How childish.

Childish? Your post was deleted....🤔

TheignT · 01/02/2025 18:31

Windowsand · 01/02/2025 14:53

Some nasty posts, as usual 🙄.

Through posting on sites, many people tease out issues and realise that therapy might help them further.

I cannot stand the posts on here telling people to get a grip for having emotional pain.

OP, in your place I would be telling them to pay someone to do it.
Not a chance would I be doing it.

Lots of people have suggested just paying a house clearance company to do it.

TheignT · 01/02/2025 18:28

Vitamindes · 01/02/2025 13:43

You were nasty and glad your response was deleted

How childish.

Windowsand · 01/02/2025 14:53

Some nasty posts, as usual 🙄.

Through posting on sites, many people tease out issues and realise that therapy might help them further.

I cannot stand the posts on here telling people to get a grip for having emotional pain.

OP, in your place I would be telling them to pay someone to do it.
Not a chance would I be doing it.

Greenkindness · 01/02/2025 14:12

I’m also happy to listen to other people talk about going through a hard time, despite not being a therapist myself.

Greenkindness · 01/02/2025 14:10

I’ve had therapy a few times, and still found it helpful to talk things over with friends or other people.

Hobbesmanc · 01/02/2025 13:58

I hated sorting out the family home. My mum had inherited several elderly relatives stuff as well as her own collections and whilst I know she valued them, we don't have the space. Things she Ann my grandparents and great aunts treasured, the crockery sets that won't ever come back into fashion, the EPNS tea and coffee pots that are on,y worth scrap, the glass ware and pomanders and China thimbles and Wade whimsies, Royal Dalton Ladies and embroidered samplers. Crates of stuff.

Vitamindes · 01/02/2025 13:46

pikkumyy77 · 01/02/2025 13:37

I think you are wrong, actually, and I’m a therapist! I think crowdsourcing one’s experience can be quite valuable as a way of processing it. Just in this thread, aside from the hostile/dismiss/captious comments there have been many personal accounts which may have resonated with OP and many interesting historical and cultural perspectives which may help her.

I agree, threads like this with 98% of the posters being empathic and sharing their experiences is brilliantly helpful.

Vitamindes · 01/02/2025 13:43

TheignT · 01/02/2025 10:33

It isn't being nasty. The OP clearly has a lot of anger and going on about it on here isn't helping her, she seems to be getting angrier. Sometimes it is better to be honest, I'm not the one online slagging off my dead parents. Some therapy might help the OP to sort out her feelings which would be better for her in the long run.

You were nasty and glad your response was deleted

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