To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

I think often, the war generation spent money on things as they had money later in their lives, just because they could.

I've cleared my parent's house out. Alongside the things which were kept for best - and largely never used - and are now virtually worthless, I cleared so many of my Mother's clothes, many of which still had labels attached. She clearly had a need to buy them in her mind, because they could afford to. But, she rarely went anywhere - other than shopping - so didn't need them.

I cleared some of her clothes when they were both still alive as she had taken over my old bedroom as storage for the excess. She couldn't even get upstairs so didn't even remember what was up there (she'd got my dad to put them there). As I brought them down to show her and see if they were wanted/needed it became clear to my DF just how much money she'd wasted on clothes hardly/never worn.

But on the face of it they'd appeared to be relatively frugal in their lifestyle.

Clearing out our parent's home is always difficult, especially if it was our childhood home (which my DPs was) and there'll always be a few surprises and revelations. I too have vowed not to leave the same for my DS.

I know how you feel. The thought that when family have the means to help, they unconsciously (usually) don’t bother. I have a couple of those above me, who are quite literally rolling in cash they’ll never spend but will never think to make things easier now. Even in these challenging COL crisis times.

And with one of them, it’ll fall to me to sort their huge amounts of clutter that has been collected over decades of having all the time and freedom to wander around aimlessly when the rest of us have had to work.

But as MN will tell us - their money, their choice.

It is, but for my family it’ll be so much more transparent.

@DazedorBemused I am so sorry for your loss. It's very hard too to be having to sort through everything left behind.

It does bring up memories, not all of them good ones, and clearly you resented your brother getting things you didn't. I would also add that 'anger' is one of the stages of grief that happen to us, when we lose someone we love and it may be that you are focusing on this as an outlet for the anger? Maybe some bereavement counselling would help?

I have no doubt your parents would be hard up as they said, for part of their lives, but things got better as they got older. I was broke for many years while my children were growing up and beyond. No holidays, watching every penny and it was hard for a long time. Now we have a bit more to spend, and we are enjoying spending it. It feels like a reward for getting through the years and years of very hard times. Your parents probably felt the same. Try not to begrudge them the fact that they spent money on themselves, when they could afford it.

Gat a house clearing company in to get rid of their possessions, once you have distributed or taken anything you or others want to keep. I did that and it really was a huge help

OP, can I just ask where your brother stands with all the work of clearing your parent's house? Has he contributed to this in any way, or has it all fallen to you?

With regard to what you seem to perceive as your parents having money while you struggled, they probably thought that they were teaching you how to manage money, and keep your head above water even when times were tough. My children would probably think that I could have helped them more financially, but if as a parent you are constantly supporting your adult children financially, they are not learning how to budget and cope on what they have. Obviously there are circumstances where adult children do need financial assistance, but I believe that generally once we reach adulthood, we should earn our own living, and live within our means.

Agree whole heartedly!

(Although a friends relative who died recently was a hoarder - that was a whole load of pain!)

OP - your emotions are raw I should imagine right now. I expect it was guilt that they bought your brother more stuff - my DB was also ill for a few years ago, and I still feel a bit jealous at the stronger bond between him and my mum as a result of spending all their days together. I get it! But in reality, she loves us both the same, it is just a different relationship.

My Dad has started getting rid of things he no longer needs, such as 100s of books, a garage full of junk (old fridges, broken furniture, etc) and I am very grateful!

Clearing a house is a huge task. It took my DH and his siblings a really long time as I don't think my PILs ever threw anything away. For example, my DH found planning paperwork from his Dad's time as a local councillor, for buildings that had been built, used for years and then demolished!

And of course it's an emotional task as well as a practical and physical one. Memories are bound to be brought up, all sorts of forgotten things found, etc.

Incidentally, does Swedish Death Cleansing really advise getting rid of everything and sitting in an empty house????

I can sympathise

I cleared a family home a couple of years ago
The property was full of "stuff" which belonged to lots of other deceased people.
One person still living

I found ithe clearing emotionally difficult
The anger, the sadness, the happy memories

However we made sections

Stuff to keep
Stuff to recycle
Stuff to sell
Stuff to the rubbish
Stuff to give away

It took a lot of time & energy, especially as we did not live locally

Swedish death cleaning is growing is popularity. When my mum
passed away I took some sentimental things and paid for house clearance. I did not have the emotional, mental or physical energy for it.

That kind of spending was, I think, quite common amongst people who had been through serious financial hardship.

My grandmother had clothes she’d never worn; unused (still boxed) dinner services; collectible wall plates etc.

I honestly believe that it was more the experience of going into a department store and the staff serving her, without her worrying about payment that was the draw- the respect she believed she got for having money.

For some others, they refuse to spend, in case the money was to suddenly disappear.

The psychology of attitude to money is fascinating.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Anger is part of the grieving process, which is probably heightening the unfairness you’re feeling.

💐

I feel you, OP, on many levels. UnMumsnetty hugs x

Something I’ve learned from clearing houses after relatives have died is that generally stuff is just stuff. The amount of time my grandmother spent fretting about her antiques, who was going to inherit what, whether people would fall out over it…and all together it was worth about £50 and it cost more to clear the house than anything was worth. Enjoy your possessions but don’t assume they’ll be worth anything to anyone else.

OP, in your parents’ case it sounds as if this has all triggered something about you feeling unsupported generally. Sorry you are going through this.

What made me sad when clearing out my MIL’s house was finding all the lovely things we’d given her as Christmas and birthday presents had never been opened or used. She had that keeping things for best mentality.

Could you not get rid of some stuff though? My DF has just gone into residential care and has left a mammoth task for us that he seemed to find funny.... There's a world of difference between sitting in an empty house or having a loft filled with old toasters, TV's, hoovers, bits of fabric, magazines etc. It's quite onerous to leave to someone else to organise the whole disposal of it all imo. I have the Swedish Death Cleansing book and agree that it does go too far but there's a happy medium to be found I think

So they were poor when they were young but in later life when they had a bit more money, they treated themselves to nice Christmas decorations and porcelain?

Is that so bad?

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again

I am your age and at Uni at the same time and I did not need to work two term time jobs. Grants were being phased out, so you got at least some money and student loans were cheap. No tuition fees. I never had a job in the term time but I did get jobs in the summer holidays. I lived in a small room in a not very nice flat to live cheaply. I live largely within my means and Ieft uni with about 3k of debt. I got nothing at all from my parents, who could not have afforded to give me anything anyway.

I am old and have a lot of stuff which will need to be cleared when I die. I have said to my DC to get in a house clearance company and not to feel at all obliged to sort through things or keep anything for sentimental reasons. But what I will not do is the Swedish 'death cleansing' thing of getting rid of my books and clothes and ornaments and sit in a conveniently empty house just waiting to die!

@DazedorBemused i hired two skips when j was clearing my parents house. Absolute game changer and not too expensive!

I grew up in awful poverty, one of 3 children of pre-war born parents. My dad began to earn a bit more when I was in the 3nd half of my teens (and we finally moved from a 2 bed house with no bathroom to a 3 bed council house when I was 16) and my younger brother- 9 years my junior - benefited from that, with a lot more spent on him. I never begrudge him a penny of that.

Clearing out my parents' house (a 2 bed rented bungalow - they were never able to own property) after Dad died, I was just sad at how little they'd had. Dad left some savings to us but I really wished they'd spent it on themselves when Mum was alive.

You can always just house clearance it. Sounds harsh but I know people who’ve done this when they just couldn’t face it. It smarts, definitely, and there must be some resentment there if you’ve been lumbered with a job you didn’t necessarily sign up for or want.

My mum was in a similar position with her parents. She had to work two jobs to look after me and my brother, only to realise that when her parents became ill and had to go into a home that they had hundreds of thousands of pounds scrolled away in the bank and never once offered to help. Now I have children of my own, I can't imagine ever seeing them so hard up and having the money to help but deciding not to.

I find some of it quite sad. I always used to wonder why my ILs were so careful with money, and grew to learn that they had both savings and 'investment' collectibles. They both died quite recently and we're in the process of clearing out the house. A lot of the investment pieces just aren't in vogue now, and will only realise a small fraction of their purchase price. That wouldn't matter if they'd had joy in owning them, but they never mentioned that.
As for their savings, I hope they made them feel a bit more secure over the years. A big chunk has gone on care home fees, even though neither of them were in them for long. I feel as if they never really let themselves enjoy life.

I think it's broadly generational.

I am dreading the time I will have to do DM's house. I think having almost nothing as a child and what she had being shared between three sisters means that as she's been able to buy stuff.. she has. And more and more. And attaches emotional memories to things.

Whereas I recall a childhood scared of breaking or damaging anything, so consequently I don't have nice stuff or 'best' anything and attach no more value than the cost of replacement.

Sorry for your loss.

We had 2 homes to sort through. One was a huge job, we still needed multiple skips after 8 months clearing.
my DM had a small house but it was crammed with disorganised clutter,
we’ve done the tip and charity shops, it’s tiring. Made me not want to inflict this task on our DSs so I’ve got rid of a load of stuff recently.

Sorry to hear that. I love my mum dearly but even she has a blind spot for sons.

Why isn’t your brother helping? Are your parents going into care?

The death of parents triggers lots of memories and harboured resentments.

I know that I was able to give more to my third child as our fortunes improved - that is pretty normal. When my first two were born we were scrimping and saving, but things got better as time went by.

It all goes round in a cycle - to begin with you enjoy being financially more comfortable and then you begin to wonder whether you want any of this material "stuff."

Try not to let this all get you down. You are young and able to enjoy your life - that is the priority.