To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

Have you seen your friends home @Andsoitbeganagain. Yes it may be all 4 are money grabbing (your friend as the one who bought them up does know their personalities) or other side is they are concerned mum is living in a large unsuitable house and hoarding tat they’ll have to sort out. My mil’s quality of life would be 100% better in a 1 bed flat.

I’m getting a really strange sense of déjà vu. It’s almost as if this discussion has been had a couple of times already.

Things change over time. I was born in a house with no bathroom, toilet at the far end of shared backyard. Lived in a slum area, constant battle with vermin. Prostitutes all around, I got kerb crawled at 8 am in school uniform. Left school at 15.

I worked hard, studied part time to get my qualifications and built up a good career. We own a 4 bed detached house, cars, money in the bank, pension.

So you can look at my life now or then both versions are true.

I suppose the difference is I'm happy to help my kids if they need it.

I have a friend who is currently being hounded by their ungrateful grabby kids into downsizing the family home and getting rid of their possessions purely so the kids can have "their" inheritance early. There is no thought for my friend's comfort as they age, only how much they can extract for themselves. Why should their parent enjoy the nice home they worked hard to pay for when they could wait for death in a one bedroom flat just as easily? They are making their parent absolutely miserable with their demands. Watching that has made me think that everyone should spend as they see fit. Jewellery, antiques, perfume, whatever floats their boat. Pile it high and enjoy it. I'm half hoping death duties will sting these kids right in their selfish backsides in a couple of years.

YANBU OP it’s the final smack in the face of favouritism. ILs home is similarly rammed with collectible tat and the plan is to do a quick sweep for anything we want- like photos we’ve given them of our DC, and then hand the keys to a house clearance company. Save yourself further pain and consider doing the same.

I cleared a lot of my parents' broken appliances, old computers, dirty toys, and random sheets before they retired and moved -- with help from my DF but resistance from my DM. My DM now talks about Swedish death cleaning and not having too much stuff but in reality their house is accumulating more, not less. I did mention honestly it was likely to end up in a skip if she doesn't actually do something with it. None of us live near them and have busy lives so won't have time to sort through crammed cupboards.

It's the time value. I've been helping my mum sell my Grandad's belongings and by the time you've googled 50000000 things to see if they're worth anything, cleaned them up, listed them for sale, dealt with time wasters etc, sometimes it's just isn't worth it!

He isn't obliged to undertake the task. If he's not a beneficiary I recommend he surrender the role after their death.

I’m assuming OP is clearing out the house because there is a reason she has to.

But the will is an interesting point.

It can be hard realising that one’s parents were not actually “really poor” but instead were disorganised and selfish and blamed their children for how hard their lives were. When I realised this during therapy, it was like being set free from a cage of lifelong guilt. My life has been so much better since and hopefully you will be able to leave your parents’ actions in the past and enjoy your future.

The difficulty is that while you're right about some of this stuff still having value, that doesn't mean any given collection contains items that are worthwhile. You need to know what you're doing, which a lot of us don't. Sometimes it really will just be dumping a load of low value crap on a charity shop that they can't shift and have to pay for disposal of.

It's quite understandable that people who are typically grieving, feeling overwhelmed and don't know anything about pottery etc would simply chuck it.

Is this your only take on it? Does it even matter?

Tough, as it is, be glad she has it for care costs, however long it lasts

That isn’t true, I’m in several Facebook collectors groups and a lot of porcelain and china figures and sculptures are highly sought after.

I shudder to think of Beswick, Moorcroft, Border Fine Arts or even the Lego kits ending up in a skip, to name just a few.

Much better to take it to a charity shop and let them benefit from it - things that might seem worthless to one person could actually sell for several hundred to a collector looking to fill a gap in a treasured collection.

I know it's not the point, but your writing style is 👌

A significant proportion of people are just odd and rigid and controlling and strange behaviour with money/hoarding is often part of it. I don't think external politics or economics are much to do with it.

The pps who commented on some older people often seeming to be obsessed with buying stuff for some "fantasy life" they never had are spot on.

It's like their emotional development is stunted at teenage level....

maybe they had some sort of trauma/humiliation and as a maladaptive coping mechanism they start obsessing over "things"?

I knew an elderly couple who decided to move to a posh university city and renovate an old house whilst having significant health issues.

They seemed to have really bad relationships with their children (one in particular was scapegoat)

but became obsessed with getting into the modern day Bloomsbury club, meeting all these cool intelligent young people who were complete strangers (not their children). They wanted to reinvent themselves but it was far too late!

(they were able to turn up to a few open public lectures with the riffraff before he died).

I didn't think this at the time, but looking back they just didn't have the capacity to enjoy their retirement, act normally, downsize, and enjoy their children (high achieving but not in the "right" way).

They were unfulfilled but it all their own making - I see plenty of older people (often with FAR less money) who genuinely just enjoy life and acting decently with the relationships they have.

I'm sorry, I honestly can't read the whole thread, it hits too hard.

But, I wanted to stand with you and be angry. I'm doing the same with my parents house, salvaging what I can from memories that are tainted with pain from being told 'too poor'.
Its nearly done, I'm nearly done.

And now I have my Grandma's to empty, hopefully using BHF house clearance as it has a lot more order to it and we know where all the important stuff is. Unlike in my parents house.

My parents and my grandma are still alive, but incapable of doing it themselves for various reasons. My brother can't help. THere's noone else.

Its hard
Its painful

handhold

I think that’s exactly what I’ll do. My mum has already downsized, my help consisted of throwing lots of dad’s old stuff and magazine collections out. To add to the issue, mum smokes and anything she gives me stinks, so I’d have to wash all her clothes to donate them. She gave me brand new leather gloves which she’d had in a drawer upstairs, they stank. Plus, I live 5 hours away so I’ll have to supervise from afar.

Could you tell me more about this? I've had cancer and having to sort these things.

Well, he does have to agree to be executor - he could just say no?

A bit of a prepper maybe, not a hoarder?

He is actually being sensible, as long as you don’t waste the food.

Having to clear out PILs after they died was an eye opener and has made me consider what we have. I have done a lot of clearing out at home as a result. Still have too much, but it's heading in the right direction.

A lot of it is now boxed in clear plastic stacking boxes so it makes it easier to store, easier for me to find stuff - and easier to transport to the tip after I am gone!

Yes their life choice was to buy tat instead of helping their dc. What shit parents.

Can you imagine watching your children struggle with 2 jobs and study and then choose not to help them but to buy crap instead?