To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

As a dedicated family historian, I would give my right eye to see 5000 photos of now-dead people I never knew!
But only if they are identifiable!!

I've been going round in circles with an elderly relative about some of ours recently.

Mumsnet always delivers.

It's a sad and painful business OP. I get it.
It cost me £2.5k in house clearance to actually clear my parents' house last summer. My Dad died 2 years before my mum, leaving 3 sheds, 2 workshops and a study (stuffed to the rafters, they were) and my Mum (herself a hoarder) just could not face me clearing his stuff whilst she was alive!
When she died, I was upset and utterly exhausted doing a 400 mile round trip every month and the rest of the daily care needs stuff remotely. I was their only child. I was also head of department in a busy school 30 miles from where I live so most months clocked up 1800 miles driving. . My youngest son went with me to finally clear my parents' house last summer but the task, when there's so much and so much pain...I was breaking down. Bless him, my son agreed that I should just get a clearance firm in. I did. And it cost £2.5K because of the amount of stuff and the nature of it. The company couldn't believe how much there was. I tried charities and some took bits but there was too much. I also quit my job and am now in a new career.
It's in the past now. I don't want to put my children through this at all! But I'm not like my parents - I'm something of a minimalist.
Sort your life. Think ahead!
My total sympathy to anyone going through this.

I wonder if you should have this all out with your brother?

He's 100% guilty here. He surely knew he was favoured over you

And he should be pulling his weight now

My parents had a room for best in our 3 bed house in the 1970s/1980s it was only used at Christmas and for bed and breakfast guests in the summer.
I think the main reason for not using the room though was that it was furthest from the kitchen and the range cooker, and they couldn't afford to heat it.

Thank goodness my daughter isn’t as self centered and heartless as you. Grow up.

Hopefully she's not as heartless and self-centered as you at least?

There's always one. I mean you btw, not the OP.

We have little of value, but for what there is, I hope my DS has taken notice. I've told him what's probably worth something, and what definitely isn't...I've also said honestly that I can't bear to get rid of my books, but he is very welcome to get clearance in.

OP, let them pay for a house clearance.
I would not be doing it.

I am in my twilight years, I suppose, although don't feel it, at 71. We cleared 2 houses from our parents. One side, FIL, was obsessed with leaving things in order, as he had a mess to clear when his dad died, but there was still a lot of crap to clear, to tidy the flat for MIL. MIL then moved in with us in her 90s for the last 5 years of her life, so we cleared what was left in the flat, decorated the flat and sold it. A lot of work, quite emotional. My side, lived in a large, terraced house and despite my dad being in the building trade, he did nothing to the house for the last 20 years, wouldn't let anyone else in to do any work either, so when he died the house needed tons of work, and we didn't feel it was safe for mum, but she didn't want to move from the house that had been her home for 60 years. Eventually, we persuaded her to move to a flat and started the job of clearing the house. It was a couple of skips, plus loads to charity shops. Dad had taken out an equity release plan so there was nothing left when we sold it. Luckily, we got mum into a new purpose built flat, rented. When she was moved into a care home, we had already sorted most of her stuff, so it wasn't too onerous. My advice is to start to clear, not to the extent of sitting in an empty house, but certainly all the surplus stuff built up over decades. The thing I don't understand is people getting angry cos their parents spent their own money. We have had a tight 50 years together while we were working, some good years, some not so good and some dreadful financially, so we have also been careful with our spending. We got a weeks holiday most years, but often in a borrowed caravan in the middle of nowhere. We now find ourselves retired with a reasonable sized pot of savings. We could give to our children, but, our dads lived till their late 80s, mum's well into their 90s, and we have seen what is involved with care costs, both in a care home and in our own home , so at the moment, we are not crying poverty, but we are holding onto our savings for care. We can't see either of our kids taking us in, and wouldn't want to commit them to that, so we will have to pay, and it costs. If we are lucky enough to die without care costs then they will get a good pot, if we need care, they may get nothing, but that's the way it goes

Oh gosh OP, that must be difficult to do. I must confess I have lots of fine porcelain dinner and tea services, but not in the loft. When my Mum died I had 4 sisters to help go through everything. Can't you get your brother to help you?

Sad. This is exactly why I spend my money on memories, holidays, things with my family. I absolutely hate material things and have no probs getting rid of lots of everything. I have moved so many times, never cared about stuff is just that stuff. We come naked into this world, we leave the same way. When my dad died all his clothing to poor people in south America & done. I ve no sentimental value for absolutely anything. I let go of ppl & things, best feeling in the world. That old generation that work work & work and never enjoyed anything is not my case.

You never know, she might tip all your stuff when you’re gone.

Hear hear! 👏 👏 👏

Ive got baskets and baskets of stuff from when i cleared out mums house....over 12 years ago....i can see her up there going "for gods sake hen, put all that in the bin!"

Weird how we cant let go.

Can I just say, you are amazing. You've smashed the generational curse for your own children. You've worked hard, while your brother has been pampered and will be looking for his next mother figure.
Honestly, you've done far better then he has.

Generally speaking Boomers are really ignorant to what it's like for millennials/gen X - it sounds shady to say but that's the objective truth. They may have had to ration in their childhoods, but then they got free uni, insane capital gains on their property salaries with 8 times the buying power (you could literally support a household on a single entry level salary). Then they have the cheek to say we need to toughen up and we don't own property because we eat too much avocado toast. Meanwhile for millennials, there are so many of us like me and my husband are both in high pressured middle manager jobs and can't afford to have more than one kid. My parents were actually great, but they died in my 20s (so I can relate on the house clearing - it is an arsehole of a job). It's my boomer MIL that is a pain in the buttocks, she's assumed that I'm marinating in cash now I've inherited has decided after a lifetime of zero financial planning of her own that I am her golden ticket/pension.

I feel your pain. My parents enjoyed a fairly extravagant life, mother never worked, but didn't help their children financially.

Someone will be along to rebuke me, but fuck'em.

Yes, exactly - to do this now you’d need excellent STEM A-levels, an engineering degree and probably postgraduate training. Which you’d need to fund yourself at the full fees plus maintenance (and engineering is often a four-year degree). Overall you might start your career more than £80k in debt already, for a starting salary of not a high amount. Good luck then saving a house deposit for even a 2-bed flat in Birmingham (which would be potentially ten times your salary or more, when banks will only lend 3.5 times). You’d need wealthy parents or an inheritance to even think about buying somewhere for years. In the meantime landlords will rip you off with sky-high rents to fund their own investments.

Compared to the housing market boomers had, no wonder young people are angry at the difference. Whatever tales their boomer parents/grandparents like to tell about ice in the inside of the windows in the winter and how hard it was for the six months that interest rates were 15% in 1990, the reality is that they started their working lives with no massive debt, affordable housing, and could expect decent private and state pensions as well as ending up with big chunks of unearned housing wealth even for modest properties. Today’s younger generations face huge debts for education, astonishing levels of rent and housing costs that will go directly to those older and richer than them, and pensions half or a third of the value. And they’ll also be paying higher taxes for the older generations’ healthcare and generous pensions that they won’t themselves get.

This is the economic reality facing younger generations today. So IMO the OP can be justifiably upset at how her parents wasted money on rubbish instead of helping her when she really needed it.

Well done you for being that forgiving. I can’t and eventually went NC when I realised that bias extended to GC- his DC favoured and mine not.

Even more galling that she alluded to feminism when it suited her.

As a dedicated family historian, I would give my right eye to see 5000 photos of now-dead people I never knew!

The usefulness of some of this stuff is definitely in the eye of the beholder...

You don't have to be an executor, even if appointed. You can reject the appointment.

Things were very different in the old days @Juliagreeneyes , better in many respects. My dad, for example didn't pass his 11 plus, left school at 15 and went to work for local council. He did his National Service in the Royal Engineers who gave him electrical engineering training. He went back to work for the council who paid for him to get further qualifications by going to day release classes. He eventually ended up as a Member of the Chartered Institute of Electrical Engineers and was responsible in his job for designing and planning the electrics of operating theatres, aeseptic rooms, scanning departments etc in hospitals. I remember the architects drawings and blue prints spread out on the dining room table while he worked in the evenings. He had a good career (although he worked hard for it) without going to university and it was all funded by his employers.

My mum stopped work as soon as my dad finished his National Service but they were still able to have bought their own house in a very nice part of Birmingham by the time I was born.

@Juliagreeneyes my mum trained as a special needs teacher late 60s paid for by health dept. They had trips out by coach to various institutions to observe and when she was on placement in a hospital school stayed in nurses accommodation.
Now she’d need to take a loan for fees, pay her own accommodation and sort her own transportation to placements.