Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Greediness or normalcy

88 replies

UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 03:49

So I have been living with my bf at his mom’s place for a year with the intent of moving out within a couple months to a year. I am grateful we have a roof over our head don’t get me wrong, but I pay rent. Plus I’m the only adult paying rent. Besides my bfs mom. So I wasn’t expecting problems to really arise or occur. After things change and plans change, we have no way of moving out within the time frame we placed. His mom is nice, super nice when you don’t get on her bad side. I haven’t really done anything to make her dislike me other than maybe the slight annoyance that I don’t answer her texts or phone calls like my bf does (her son), or buy her food when she cooks dinner for me mainly every night. I don’t agree with decisions she has made regarding her older son and just allowing him to stay with us. Even though illegal “things” seem to follow everywhere they ( my bfs brother ) go. My question really is that am I greedy or selfish when my bf asks me if I can buy his mom dinner when him and I eat out. I 99% of the time say no because I don’t want to buy another meal for another person no matter the cost. I have bought her dinner before but I rarely ever do. So am I wrong in deciding what to do with my money that I earn. Even though she prepares dinner ready when I’m home from work. I have said that I can make my own meals. She insists because she says she’s a good person and dosent have the need to fight over food. She pretty much always shares. I am looked at as the bad guy because I don’t want to buy her dinner. Most of the time she even says she’s not hungry, she’s already ate her own dinner. It makes me mad when she does those things and then when my bf and I are cooking she comes to the kitchen and asks if we can share because she’s hungry. I automatically don’t want to share, I understand that is selfish in ways. Although she already told us she wasn’t hungry. So now she changes her mind and guilts my bf into sharing food.

OP posts:
KevinAndTracy · 29/01/2025 07:30

Does your BF contribute to the household and buy his Mum dinner occasionally?

If the answer is yes then I think it would be reasonable for you to do the same sometimes

If the answer is no then your BF is clearly a CF and you have more problems than his Mum disliking you. LTB!

Overthebow · 29/01/2025 07:26

Op you really need to move out. You’ve been there longer than you said and she’s obviously getting annoyed. I think the least you can do is be generous with meals, buy her a meal every now and then, share your food. She’s being generous letting you live there paying a small amount of rent and cooking for you. Even if you don’t want to just suck it up and share.

Moonnstars · 29/01/2025 07:23

UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:53

Well he is a hard worker and has been fired from most of his places of work. I struggled with the concept at first like how can I be with him if he's not financially stable.

Show quote history

What makes you think he's a hard worker?

There is clearly something that makes him a bad worker. His attitude? His punctuality?

People who are hard working won't get repeatedly fired. They might be unfortunate to be made redundant if a company is over staffed but not fired.

Queenofthejabs · 29/01/2025 07:17

That’s really bad, this woman is kind enough to let you live in her home. And you think as you pay rent to do so, this means you can behave in such a selfish manner,

you need to move out. This isn’t ok. She can chose who lives in her house, and home her son, and your boyfriend is right, buying her an occasional meal or sharing when she does so much for you shouldn’t be something you resent.

leave.

HeronWing · 29/01/2025 07:14

UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:56

I'm 27 and my bf is 28. Her older son is 46 and that's ultimately why it's annoying. But I do buy her things for her

Show quote history

And yet your boyfriend will also be living in his mother’s house too when he’s 46.

Is the brother annoying you so much because you know you’re looking at your boyfriend’s future — middle-aged, unemployed, unemployable?

Hufflemuff · 29/01/2025 07:11

UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:53

Well he is a hard worker and has been fired from most of his places of work. I struggled with the concept at first like how can I be with him if he's not financially stable.

Show quote history

If he's so hardworking, why are they firing him? It's likely he's telling you he's working hard, but isn't!

Gymnopedie · 29/01/2025 00:38

Well he is a hard worker and has been fired from most of his places of work.

Then he is not a good worker and it will be the same story for the rest of his life. And yours if you stay with him.

If he'd been made redundant from most places I might have some sympathy (though it's stretching bad luck) but being fired means he has a bad attitude when he's there, or doesn't turn up, or has his hand in the till, or something equally bad.

He is NOT a hard worker. Hard workers don't keep being fired.

Throw him back unless you want to be tied to him and his mother and acting as their personal ATM.

Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:56

Lowhangingfruitisthebest · 28/01/2025 06:16

How old are you?
You do sound immature and selfish. I bet your rent barely covers your costs, definitely not your feckless boyfriends costs! (Why can't he hold down a job? RED FLAG!)
Buy the poor woman a meal once in a while and a box of chocolates/bunch of flowers wouldn't go unnoticed either I bet.

I'm 27 and my bf is 28. Her older son is 46 and that's ultimately why it's annoying. But I do buy her things for her

OP posts:
Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:54

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 28/01/2025 05:01

@UrLov3ly are you particularly young? You are being very rude, selfish and immature. You are not this woman's child, she is doing you a big favour and you are throwing it back in her face.

I'm 27 and my bf is 28. Her older son is 46.

OP posts:
Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:53

Hufflemuff · 28/01/2025 04:44

Also is this a man you actually want to stay with? Why can't he hold down a job? He seems to be regularly unemployed. I wouldn't want to enter a tenancy agreement or a mortgage with someone like that.

I feel like we need to hear these reasons.

Well he is a hard worker and has been fired from most of his places of work. I struggled with the concept at first like how can I be with him if he's not financially stable.

OP posts:
Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:50

nottoplan · 28/01/2025 04:35

You haven’t given any indications of ages but you sound quite young , if you have your own family , parents and a home there I would say move back home , get some savings from your wages and find yourself a new bf as this one and his family sound pretty much disfunctional and hard work

I'm actually 27. My bf is 28 and his older brother is 46 years old. Their mom is 65?

OP posts:
Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:49

Louise303 · 28/01/2025 04:28

I would not be happy if my boyfriend was letting me pay our part of the rent on my own. I would try to move out as soon as possible it not fair on you or your mother in law. She is cooking and using money you give for shopping and it's nice that she cooks for you also.She needs to make everyone pay equally she might be struggling if doing shopping for all. Who pays for the utility bills?

She's pays for everything. I pay 400$ a month. She rents this house and that's the only money she gets for help

OP posts:
Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:26

McSpoot · 28/01/2025 04:26

Wow, you don't come across well here at all.

I don’t agree with decisions she has made regarding her older son and just allowing him to stay with us.
She is allowing her son to stay with her. It's not your house so it's not an "us".

Plus I’m the only adult paying rent.
So, it's fine that your BF doesn't pay rent but a problem that his brother doesn't pay rent?

she cooks dinner for me mainly every night
Yet you won't let her share your food when you make it (or pay for her when going out)?

It's not okay that my bf Isant paying rent. I guess you're right I don't have a say. Which if why I don't say anything. She just always says she's going to kick them out and she hates them ( my bfs brother and his gf ) living here also. So that's why I don't agree with her letting her older son live here because herself goes back on her word everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 22:24

VoltaireMittyDream · 28/01/2025 04:24

And why don’t you answer her texts and phone calls? That is rude af when you’re living in her house and eating her home cooked food! Jesus wept.

I do answer them on occasion. She only calls me when my bf dosent answer his phone. If he dosent answer even one time and he answered her call the next time she is throwing a fit and acting like it's doomsday. I just come from a family where if we can't get a hold of someone we'll try a gain later, not blow up their phone because a text or call wasn't answered. So I just stay out of it and rather not be bothered by any of that.

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 28/01/2025 18:29

UrLov3ly · 28/01/2025 04:12

I do sorta agree with you. I don't contribute to food cost but in a way the money I give her for rent she uses that to buy groceries for everyone in the house and or uses the money I give her for any of her other bills.

It's my first time on this app so I appreciate the feedback. just me seeing my "comments" shows me some tips and tricks for my next post.

Also I did struggle with the idea of her older son living with us because he dosent pull his own weight. He doesn't clean and he does drugs. Now that he's back on drugs he Isant paying rent. He is chaotic and violent and just all around makes me uncomfortable. You're right he's not my family and I don't have a say, which is why I say nothing about it. I complain a bit to my bf but he normally starts the conversation so I just but in.

The reason I feel more annoyed that he's there is because when I first moved in I was spoken to about how i have to pay rent and be respectful. My bfs older brother who does what he wants is disrespectful and dosent pay anything all of a sudden brings his girlfriend to move in for free. To where I'm still the only one paying rent. My bfs brother also says I do things that I haven't done because he can't remember the messes or damages he creates because he's so high.

Show quote history

Rent and groceries are two different things. If you were living elesewhere you would be paying rent and paying for groceries.

I think its selfish not to share when someone is gracious enough to cook your meals for you. I can't imagine noy sharing.

Her arrangement with other members of the house are also none of your business. It's also her business if she chooses to let your BF or his sibling stay rent free (your BF sounds utterly pathetic too by the way. Why would a grown son/daughter not contribute to the household )

You should move out if your uncomfortable and unhappy. You wouldnt have to see your BFs brother. You could cook all the meals you like. You can choose where to rent, pay for groceries and bills. You wont have to buy food or share with anyone else.

Don't take your BF with you if he doesnt work or can't prove he is self sufficient. Leave him where he is. You dont need him freeloading off you the way he does his mother.

VoltaireMittyDream · 28/01/2025 18:11

Choccyscofffy · 28/01/2025 07:42

How is she the scrounger when she is paying rent to cover her share of bills and groceries and yet the family still expect her to buy the mum food?

The scroungers are OP’s deadbeat unemployed boyfriend and his druggy brother, who pay zero rent.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s not a race to the bottom, though, is it?

OP wanted to know if she was unreasonable, not if she was the least reasonable person in this whole bin fire of a situation.

SnoopysHoose · 28/01/2025 10:18

4 adults; you work, one is a druggie, one can't hold a job down, does mum work?
I'd be moving out, it sounds awful and stressful.

familyportrait · 28/01/2025 10:10

So you don't contribute to food. She's given you a roof over your head. You delay in responding to her texts and your boyfriend doesn't have a job, you get mad over the thought of sharing your food and you don't want to share.

The both of you sound awful.

Stophittingyourbrother · 28/01/2025 10:06

Do you earn enough to rent a room somewhere else by yourself?

This situation won’t change unless you change it for yourself.

Might be the motivation he needs to find a job if he sees you moving on.

JeremiahBullfrog · 28/01/2025 09:56

Having a much younger woman in your house, who you didn't really get to choose, is going to be stressful. Especially when she doesn't want to cook shared meals but does want the freedom to use your kitchen to cook her own. (It's not great knowing that someone else could be taking over the kitchen to cook a whole meal just when you want it.) It's also stressful when one of your sons is a layabout drug user and the other one doesn't have a job (and I wonder if he contributes anything else to the household, especially given all the time he must have on his hands). You should count yourself lucky - I'm surprised she's tolerated you so well!

Sassybooklover · 28/01/2025 09:13

Your biggest issue is your boyfriend. His lack of employment and being able to hold down a job for a significant amount of time. This is the fundamental change that needs to be made. As long as you are paying his Mum rent, he has no incentive to get or hold a job down. Honestly, I'd be moving into a house share, my own rental or back with my parents, until this had been resolved. What happens if eventually you do move out together into your own rental, and he keeps losing jobs (regardless of the reason)? You'll have no choice but to pay all the rent yourself (that you may not be able to afford), plus all the Bills! Yes, I have been in this position, with an ex boyfriend many years ago. I couldn't afford all the rent/Bills on my salary, and ended up having to ask my parents to pay his share - otherwise we'd have ended up in arrears. It's stressful and worrying. I ended the relationship, as I couldn't live like it.

McSpoot · 28/01/2025 08:58

Choccyscofffy · 28/01/2025 07:42

How is she the scrounger when she is paying rent to cover her share of bills and groceries and yet the family still expect her to buy the mum food?

The scroungers are OP’s deadbeat unemployed boyfriend and his druggy brother, who pay zero rent.

Edited
Show quote history

Where does she say that she pays enough to cover all of that?

burnoutbabe · 28/01/2025 08:41

rookiemere · 28/01/2025 06:51

So in a household of four people, the two women are paying for rent and food whilst the men do nothing.
Is this how you want your future to be ? Your BF is a loser, just move out and move on.

This!

Why doesn't boyfriend who does not work cook for his partner and mum?

Slobberchops1 · 28/01/2025 08:01

They all sound like massive losers - dump the lot of them , move out , find someone that isn’t such a mummy boy and can hold down a job

Mangoesintoapub · 28/01/2025 07:56

The whole set up sounds rotten. It’s not unreasonable to think you might buy a meal for his mum (who is doing you a huge favour) but ultimately nothing will improve until you leave. Your boyfriend sounds like dead loss. Just move out, get your own place and stand on your own two feet rather than staying caught up with your useless boyfriend, his useless brother and their poor put-upon mum.