To think DP is being selfish

Please stop giving him money. He can learn to budget, like you do. He refuses to, because he sees you as a cash cow and doesn't respect you.

Yet you say he's a good dad. FFS.

Does he pay you back when you "bail him out"?

Can you promise you won't marry him? Do you understand what would happen to do if you do?

To be completely honest it's mainly my fault, if I asked him to help with money he would
'help' again. He shouldn't be helping. You say you're a team. Team members pull their weight and do their share, not help.

So let's get this straight - your "partner" contributes nothing towards the food he eats, nor pays for anything for your child together. He spends £100 per week on drinking, but you have no problem with this, because "why shouldn't he unwind". He spends so much on drinking and gaming that, not only can he not contribute to normal life expenses but also you have to lend him money. And yet you refuse to not bail him out because "then he'd have nothing" and that wouldn't be fair.

OK.

I don't understand why you've posted.... Either you're pissed off with your "partner" and want him to grow the fuck up, start contributing and acting like an actual adult / father / partner.

Or you are happy to continue mollycoddling him, paying for him and letting him drink himself into an early grave.

To be honest, from reading your numerous posts, it seems like the latter. You won't accept any criticism of him so in that case, we'll have to leave you to get on with things as you don't actually seem to want any help.

It baffles me why some women set their bar so low, but if you're not unhappy or angry then it sounds like you just want to get on with your situation. It wouldn't be for me, but then it takes all kinds.

I would also be tempted to stop bailing him out. I expect he factors you bailing him out into his spending. So I would “extend grace” and not start it until the next payday, but I would say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry but I’m not going to have any extra funds this month as I’m buying a few bits for the house”.

Next month, “I’m sorry but I’m not going to have any extra cash to sub you this month as I’ve promised DC a trip to the zoo and it’s going to be quite pricey”.

The next month, “….I need to get my hair done”.

Every month warn him that you can’t bail him out. Eventually he will understand he needs to manage his money.

You shouldn’t need to resort to these tactics but it will be lower conflict than that stopping without having an “excuse” in place.

Because it's a fucking horrible example to set for your children.

Read this back over and over.

Why bother being with this man? Break up with him and get him to pay maintenance like he ex did, at least you'd be guaranteed money off him.

Don’t think this the wrong way but actually it doesn’t make sense. You are enabling his bad behaviour IMO

OP - it’s bizarre to me how he doesn’t prioritise family life. He decided to have these children therefore that has to take priority over gaming and drinking

The bar just gets lower and lower.

As one of the first posters put it:
What’s his is his and what’s yours is also his.

For all your trying to paint him as a decent man @kiana2015 you seem to be very in denial about a man who is supposed to be your partner in life dictating that you can’t spend your own money that you have budgeted to save, in case he needs it for himself.

You don’t have to be knocked about to be abused, and this is verging on financially abusive.

You said there is more to life than money - respect and kindness being two of the most important. You don’t seem to get much of either from this man who puts himself and his needs ahead of yours and your child’s home.

He should be paying equally to ALL household expenses as well as to his first child. If that means he can’t go on the piss every night, or buy new gaming consoles Willy nilly, that is a him problem not a you problem.

How, if he spends so much of his own you're constantly bailing him out?

He has shown he puts himself above his family every month when he drinks his money rather than feeding his child. You're kidding yourself if you think he would help you if in need.

People have told you why. Read the thread.

I hope it’s fake because the things you’re saying make no sense. In order to genuinely believe them, you’d have to be completely devoid of self respect, common sense and a basic capacity for rational thought. I really don’t want to believe such a woman exists.

Raise your bar.

Cheating is not the only reason to end a relationship. If you have more income/money/assets than him, don't marry him. If he has more or similar, marry him on the cheap, then divorce him.

If you divorce/split up, at least he'll be forced to contribute something towards your child.

Because it makes you a doormat for an inadequate little man.

This is so sad OP! You deserve a nice life.

And your child deserves better than growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to be treated in a relationship.

If she came to you when older and told her a partner was treating her like this, would you tell her to stay?

It's not a family in any sense of the word that I regcognise

It's an abusive set up

He's majorly taking the piss. He can have money for beer and gaming but you can't have nice things for your home. It's not controlling to expect him to manage his fun money and not come to you to bail him out.
You deserve so much more than you're getting and he's not a good dad if he's straight in the pub every night after work.

Please don't marry - he will only get worse

You will find a way to live and survive without his cash - let's face it you can't buy what you want anyway now

This, 100%.

Reading the OPs posts on this thread have made me very sad for her.

You go halves on rent and bills already so extend this to food and bits for your DC. Decide what you need, explain where the money will be spent (food, nappies, haircuts and clothes for DC etc) and ask him to transfer it on payday.

It is totally unacceptable that he prioritises spending on alcohol and gaming over feeding his youngest and creating a beautiful home for his family. He can easily afford to take care of both children if he changes his priorities.