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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being selfish

307 replies

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:28

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

OP posts:
RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 27/01/2025 23:47

OP, do you both work? Do you own your own house or do you rent? Can I ask how you divide your money between you, ie, do you put all of your joint earnings in a pot, to pay for food, bills, and rent/mortgage, and then divide up the rest, or do you do it some other way? If we had some answers to these questions, we may be able to advise you better, but in answer to your question, you are right, your DP is being VERY selfish!

ilovesooty · 27/01/2025 23:46

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:38

@HeronWing I think there's more to life than money

So what are his redeeming features then?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:45

@livelovelough24 I posted as more of a rant really just to get it off my chest but I also thought maybe I was being abit dramatic to be annoyed so was curious to others opinions

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/01/2025 23:45

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

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Tough shit.

username299 · 27/01/2025 23:44

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

@username299 because if it was up to him the home would have no decoration or anything he doesn't see the point to spend money on things like that

Does he normally tell you what to spend your money on? Does he ask your permission to spend his money? If not then I'm not sure what's going on. Sounds like he's dominating you. What would happen if you went ahead and bought the items?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:44

ElvenPowers · 27/01/2025 23:43

The only good thing this guy does is send his ex money for their child - but you seem equally as narked by that as you do him pissing away your money at the pub.

No of course I do think he should be sending her money for their child I would never ever say not to. I just think he should be providing for both of his children not just 1

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/01/2025 23:44

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:34

It is a regular occurrence, every single month. Baring in mind I also buy everything for the house, our DD and food alone every month, meanwhile he gives his ex money regularly for their DC

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Well of course he pays maintenance, as he should. Why are you bailing him out, subsidising his hobbies and funding joint expenditure yourself? Time to make him pull his weight and tell him he can stop dictating to you.

livelovelough24 · 27/01/2025 23:44

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:39

Why?

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You seem to be taking care of the whole household including your partner, bailing him out when he is skint, but when you want to spend some he makes a fuss about it. And you are asking us if you are being unreasonable?

I mean even the title of your post is confusing, "to think dp is being selfish"? You are not spending his money or your joint money, from what I understand. And then your comment is "there is more to life than money"? So why posting about it then? Still very confused.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:43

@Quiinkong yes I aware of this we have had many arguments about it and then he turns it around on me somehow so I can no longer be bothered arguing about it, especially with our DD, if I get him to help me buy something, it just ends up me giving him money at the end of the month so doesn't really help me, in fact usually makes me worse off as I live off a very strict and careful budget week to week

OP posts:
ElvenPowers · 27/01/2025 23:43

The only good thing this guy does is send his ex money for their child - but you seem equally as narked by that as you do him pissing away your money at the pub.

Quiinkong · 27/01/2025 23:41

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:38

@HeronWing I think there's more to life than money

And yet, here you are complaining about that same money though

Quiinkong · 27/01/2025 23:40

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

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Shouldn't he manage his money better then? Wtf spends £200 every 2wks on pint? He's no good with money because he has taken you as his mummy who will always give him money. Buy what you want to buy, just as he spends his money on what he wants. You can't continue to live like this, you're his wife and not his carer. Plus why is your child's expenses solely your responsibility? You're really putting up with some ultra BULLSHIT

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/01/2025 23:40

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:38

@HeronWing I think there's more to life than money

There is: love, respect, kindness, happiness. This man doesn’t have or show you any of the former, if he’s content to drain your finances and prevent you having any spending money for yourself; and the relationship definitely isn’t going to bring you much of the latter.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:39

livelovelough24 · 27/01/2025 23:38

Mhm, I am a little confused with this post.🤔

Why?

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 27/01/2025 23:38

Mhm, I am a little confused with this post.🤔

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:38

@HeronWing I think there's more to life than money

OP posts:
HeronWing · 27/01/2025 23:37

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:34

It is a regular occurrence, every single month. Baring in mind I also buy everything for the house, our DD and food alone every month, meanwhile he gives his ex money regularly for their DC

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Bluntly, why are you in this relationship?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:36

Octopies · 27/01/2025 23:35

He spends £100 a week on beer then asks you to lend him money?! I'd buy the house stuff and tell him to live within his means.

Yes, ok sometimes it might be between 60-100 but most of the time it's the larger end

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

@username299 because if it was up to him the home would have no decoration or anything he doesn't see the point to spend money on things like that

OP posts:
Octopies · 27/01/2025 23:35

He spends £100 a week on beer then asks you to lend him money?! I'd buy the house stuff and tell him to live within his means.

Ginkypig · 27/01/2025 23:35

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:31

Well I was going to use my money actually but I'm pretty sure the reason he's saying no is because he knows his money will run out and need me to bail him out like most other months

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So ye like @pikkumyy77 said then

pikkumyy77 · Today 23:30
So now you know: whats his is his and whats your is his. You need to have a serious talk about joint and personal money.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Screamingabdabz · 27/01/2025 23:34

Mmmm… I sense that there is more to this. Why are you ‘bailing him out’? What would happen if you didn’t?

Well then he would have no money?

OP posts:
username299 · 27/01/2025 23:34

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:33

No, I had the tape measure out and was telling him I'm just double checking measurements before I buy

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Does he normally tell you what you can spend your money on? Why aren't household items coming from joint funds?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:34

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/01/2025 23:32

Surely it’s up to you what you spend your money on? You both have allocated “spending money” after you’ve paid your bills, yes? He’s spent his on what he wants, you can spend yours on what you want.

It’s not your job to bail him out when he overspends. If this is a regular occurrence you’ve made a major mistake tying yourself to a house with him. I’d be looking to fully separate your finances and move out. Preferably break up, as well.

Edited

It is a regular occurrence, every single month. Baring in mind I also buy everything for the house, our DD and food alone every month, meanwhile he gives his ex money regularly for their DC

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 27/01/2025 23:34

Mmmm… I sense that there is more to this. Why are you ‘bailing him out’? What would happen if you didn’t?

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