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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP is being selfish

307 replies

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:28

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

OP posts:
Billyblue47 · 28/01/2025 11:59

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:56

But if we are a team and one how can I do that? Every-time I e tried tk speak about this before he gets grumpy and says it shouldn't be mine it should be ours

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It's not ours when he's pissing it up at the pub or wasting it on games or computer stuff. How much are you spending on booze? Are you playing the games? Is it his computer or your family computer? Do you get much down time to fuck about playing games?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:57

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 11:37

Did you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?

No of course not, never usually an issue as I don't let it bother me but it was just last night when he is trying to tell me to wait to spend my money I got annoyed knowing that's because he will be needing it

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:56

BeRoseSloth · 28/01/2025 11:35

I think you’d only have to refuse to give him money when he runs out a couple of times before it dawns on him he can’t afford to spend so much on fun stuff.

But if we are a team and one how can I do that? Every-time I e tried tk speak about this before he gets grumpy and says it shouldn't be mine it should be ours

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:54

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice sorry, he's so we equally split the bills then keep our money each we don't add it together or anything that's why I originally never asked for shopping money for food because once I take shopping Money and he takes the money he sends for his DC the. We would have pretty much the same amount left over each of that makes sense.
Maybe I've been too nice

OP posts:
HeronWing · 28/01/2025 11:44

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 11:37

Did you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?

Oh, I misread your post as ‘DO you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?’ and was about to respond ‘Excellent idea, OP — kick him out!’

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 11:37

Did you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?

MaryGreenhill · 28/01/2025 11:37

Yet another cocklodger Hmm

Cynic17 · 28/01/2025 11:36

Why are you even mentioning this to him for such small amounts? Just go out and buy what you need - you don't require his permission.

BeRoseSloth · 28/01/2025 11:35

I think you’d only have to refuse to give him money when he runs out a couple of times before it dawns on him he can’t afford to spend so much on fun stuff.

pinkyredrose · 28/01/2025 11:22

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

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Why would he have no money, is he giving his ex his entire wage?

There's no reason why you should be paying for everything in the house and for your DC.

MimiSunshine · 28/01/2025 11:20

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:30

@thepariscrimefiles no of course I'm not scared but what else can I do, leave him with absolutely nothing until he gets paid, that's not very nice

Oh well, he’ll figure it out afterwards.

and yes he should be contributing to the food and heating bills his joint child with you needs.
you do realise that you’re not covering it all so he can pay for his other children, you’re covering it all so he can game and drink in the pub to the tune of at least £600.

think how much more comfortable you’d be as a family if he didn’t waste so much money in the pub and what experiences your child could have with that money?

Rhaidimiddim · 28/01/2025 11:17

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:31

Well I was going to use my money actually but I'm pretty sure the reason he's saying no is because he knows his money will run out and need me to bail him out like most other months

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Stop baling him out! FFS get a backbone. Buy the stuff you wsnt.
And when he comes looking for a handout later in.the month, tell.him to pawn the games system!

MaryGreenhill · 28/01/2025 11:17

He's using you OP.
You must be able to see that surely .
I read messages on here all the time and l don't know how ppl can allow themselves to be treated like this .

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 28/01/2025 11:15

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:50

Yes we both work, we rent, we both earn pretty much the same depending on the month, we half bills such as rent, electric, etc. I buy all the food shopping as he sends money for his DC I thought that would be fair but now I'm thinking to start asking for money towards food

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Thanks for answering some of my questions OP, however you didn't say how you actually split the money when it comes in, ie, whether you each keep your own money, and then just pay half toward the bills, etc. or whether it all goes into a joint account, and then you each take out a certain amount after bills, etc. have been paid. I guess what I'm trying to find out, is whether you both have the same amount of spending money each month, as if this is the case then you should be able to spend your share of the money on whatever you like, and definitely should NEVER be bailing him out because he's overspent.

I also think he should be paying half of the food. The money he pays for his child/children, should also come out of HIS spending money, as YOU shouldn't be contributing to the upkeep of HIS children. So for example if you both got £1,000 spending money, and he contributes £500 to his children, then he should only have £500 spending money, whereas you should have the whole of your £1,000. He's bound to think this is unfair, but if you weren't in a relationship, it is what he would have to do, so the burden of his responsibilities towards his children, should not fall to you.

Billyblue47 · 28/01/2025 11:10

Maybe he needs to spend less on booze and gaming and contribute more to your family expensive. I wouldn't be giving him money so he can piss it away in the pub or buy computer games.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 11:09

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:30

@thepariscrimefiles no of course I'm not scared but what else can I do, leave him with absolutely nothing until he gets paid, that's not very nice

He is an adult and should realise by now that actions have consequences. He spends huge amounts of money on drinking and gaming while you are worrying about buying a few bits for your new home.

He sounds like an irresponsible child but you are enabling this. It's only spending money that he won't have if you don't bail him out. I'm assuming that still has access to food and other necessities.

Lurker85 · 28/01/2025 11:05

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:30

@thepariscrimefiles no of course I'm not scared but what else can I do, leave him with absolutely nothing until he gets paid, that's not very nice

if it’s not very nice then he shouldn’t leave himself in that “not very nice” situation should he? It’s not your problem. You pay for everything anyway so he’d only need it for drink. He’s acting like a child so treat him like one and teach him about budgeting by not bailing him out every month.

Otterparty · 28/01/2025 11:04

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:30

@thepariscrimefiles no of course I'm not scared but what else can I do, leave him with absolutely nothing until he gets paid, that's not very nice

What’s “not very nice” is drinking away all your own funds so you need bailed out by your partner every month….your partner who also feeds and clothes your child no less!
OP you are not his mum. He can face the consequences of his decisions….if he doesn’t have enough money to drink at the pub every week he doesn’t go to the pub every week-simple!

Miaowzabella · 28/01/2025 10:55

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

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And?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:30

@thepariscrimefiles no of course I'm not scared but what else can I do, leave him with absolutely nothing until he gets paid, that's not very nice

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 10:28

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:44

No of course I do think he should be sending her money for their child I would never ever say not to. I just think he should be providing for both of his children not just 1

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Of course he should but you are enabling him by not objecting to him spending all his available money on drinking/socialising and then bailing him out with your own money. I have no idea why you would do this. Are you scared of his reaction if you don't?

Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:25

@Nanny0gg well I could t afford the bills and rent myself. And we're together I couldn't move by myself either

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:23

Thisisthemomentforchange · 28/01/2025 03:29

How much time does he spend at the pub OP?
If he regularly spends that amount on drink then it does sound as though he has an alcohol dependency.

He does have a couple every day

OP posts:
Original poster
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 10:23

@MrsJHernandez I do get what you're saying and I do admit he does take me for granted but I'm not unhappy

OP posts:
Thisisthemomentforchange · 28/01/2025 03:29

How much time does he spend at the pub OP?
If he regularly spends that amount on drink then it does sound as though he has an alcohol dependency.