We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.
Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.
When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.
My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.
He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.
I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?