To feel like the poor relation at DDa primary school??

My children attend a similar sounding school, we live in a nice 4 bed semi, not huge but certainly not small, one of my children asked when in reception why we lived in such a tiny house, she had/had no idea just how fortunate we are compared to many people.

Except it isn’t standard small talk for everyone, and specifically not for the people OP was talking to.

DH’s very genteel book group (mostly Chelsea and Chiswick older women) once met in our tiny north London flat, and one asked if she could ‘look around the rest of the flat’. It turned out she couldn’t believe that our two rooms, plus galley kitchen and bathroom was all there was, and thought that the communal stairs inside the front door (which led up to two flats on the upper floors) must lead to the rest of our flat!

You are not being unreasonable. As a single mum in a wealthy area, I spent most of DS' primary years feeling like the poor relation. New Mercedes and two week skiing holidays were common. I didn't discuss my finances but the contrast must have been fairly obvious.

However in the years since, some of those affluent perfectly dressed & groomed mums have come to me and asked how I manage. Their marriages were failing and they were suddenly discovering that giving up the career or going part time, or relying too much on their wealthy husband was a bad idea.

Now I am lucky, my home and pension, such as they are, are mine. No-one else has a claim on them. I am more secure. It's very sad but that is the truth.

Ok, but are they making judgements? Or shall I say, realistic judgements.
My son went on a school trip when in year 6 to the Isle of Wight. I asked him what was the best bit of the trip. He replied, being able to watch tv while sitting on the toilet! Children have different priorities.

My daughter went to a friend’s house when she was about 6 and came home telling me their kitchen was ‘like the Great Hall at Hogwarts’. Turned out it was just that they had bench seating at their dining table rather than individual chairs!

@gingergiraffe Children notice everything, I remember I did when I was that age wondering why my friend had such a big house and garden!

I am really surprised by your daughter’s friend’s comment at such a young age. I, and my children were simply happy to be invited to another child’s house, whatever size or state it was in. I don’t think children notice or think about how rich another family is. What matters is that they feel welcome and comfortable, and that it’s fun to experience how another family lives. If your family are all happy and enjoy being in each other’s company, visitors will feel the same.
My best friend was in a horrendous financial situation when she split with her useless husband. She managed to bring up three lovely, well adjusted children on her own without family support in a house where her ex had stripped the plaster off most of the walls and left the house in a terrible state of repair. My friend prioritised paying the mortgage and ensuring the kids were well fed and well educated. They all had friends to stay, many of whom were much better off but that did not matter. They were happy and still have those friends in their lives.
OP, if your children are happy and healthy, that’s all that matters. Live within your means and enjoy knowing that, even if money is tight sometimes, things do get easier in later life. My three are all adults now and we are in a much better financial situation than we were in the early days, but they appreciate that some people will always be better off. That’s life. Just encourage your children to work hard and be grateful for what they do have.
Back in the 80s when we bought our first little house, we had no stair carpet and two second hand free tvs before we were able to buy a new tv. We were the last in the family and friends to buy a video player. We had family donated curtains and were just happy to have our own little house. We did not feel judged by anyone and only had a £200 safety fund in case the car needed replacing. Our friends were all in different situations but that was not important.
What I am trying to say is, don’t feel inferior to other people who appear to be in a better financial situation than you. You are judging yourself which is not healthy.

If children are only used to going in big houses then at least going in to a small house will hopefully expand their knowledge of the world.

That's adorable.

But it's the opposite of standard small talk if the mums are wealthy.

The OP didn't read the room at all.

You’re kind of setting yourself up to feel shit when you start talking about wages with people who own Tesla’s, and presumably you’ve noticed before what sort of housing surrounds the school?

Someone once said that you become the average of the people in your life and I think that is true. If your daughter is surrounded by affluent, villagey people then she will have a different idea of "normal" than someone who is surrounded by poor city dwellers. You obviously want her to have all the perks of being in an affluent village so it should be no surprise that the parents are affluent, and this may help her in the future (eg. Bigger donations to the PTA to pay for things for the school or subsidise class trips etc).

The woman who said she didn't know when pay day - it would be disingenuous if she had feigned poverty.

The mums who sympathise with feeling skint - they may have had huge chunks of their life living in poverty and can sympathise well.

Agree with other posters - don't talk about money with these people.

Out of the mouth of babes eh?!

"Where's the rest of the house?" would have me howling.

I once had a wee visitor to my very humble, 3 bed mid-terraced house.

She came to tell me the she "loved my house.
It's just like a King's house".

My feather preening went up a notch as I envisaged she'd noted my excellent taste in decor and soft furnishings and I asked her what it was about the house that made her say that.

Answer?

Coving round the ceilings!

If you only ever mix with folk who are the same as you, you never broaden your thinking.

Envy is the thief of joy.
There will be things in your life that others don’t have. There is no point comparing yourself to others. I was the same at dd’s primary. It’s just the way it is.

Yes, but surely you check who you’re making conversation with before you choose a topic — read the room as pp said? You’d feel pretty miffed if the other parents were complaining about the difficulties of fitting in more than three ski trips into their winter, or finding stabling for their polo ponies. It’s a common-sense tactic to check.

I'd have thought most people could respond to an "I'll be glad when it's pay day" comment with something slightly more socially proficient than "I don't even know when I get paid" tbh. I mean a non committal "Yes, it's an expensive time of year" isn't hard is it? So that one was probably bragging. The others can't really walk past their cars and join the bus queue to spare your feelings though, so I think you need to learn to come to terms with it. Someone's got to be the smallest fish in the big pond, and if you don't want it to be you, you have to find a smaller pond.

The OP must have had an inkling before then though that the women were fairly affluent, so it was small talk that was unlikely to resonate

January is a long month though pay wise for many people. I'd file that under standard small talk rather than discussing finances.

What's crazy?

A stranger telling me they have no money would make me feel awkward.

A colleague sometimes informs me of how little money she has left, and I have nothing to say, like '..ok?'

You're stood there. Think about that for a moment. You're not working in a career that doesn't allow school runs, have a lovely 4yo DD and a house.
DIL attended a private secondary school She went to the village primary, many private secondary pupils so. Her family sold a company for several million making them cash rich. We live in the North of England too.
They're not crass enough to flaunt it but I know the usual MN trope of drowning in debt with a massive mortgage and leased cars doesn't apply. She is an only DC of only DCs. She wishes she had siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.
We have enough money to be comfortable and all the things DIL desires. Who is richer?

@fanaticalfairy
Frequently talking about being "skint" is a bit like frequently talking about how much you spend on holidays, eating in restaurants and new purchases.
It's always going to alienate some people, so if you don't want that, choose a topic which crosses the wealth divide a bit more. A program you've seen on TV, your children, your job, any interests you may have like keeping fit or photography or whatever .

I agree with this ^

I dont discuss my finances in a meaningful way with anyone!

But, OP, you'll probably find that the cars are on finance and the big houses are mortgaged to the hilt

🙂

You are quite lucky in a way, because your DD obviously has an affluent peer group and there will be advantages of being in that cohort. Much better than being in a deprived neighbourhood where parents won't be able to afford trips, extracurriculars, educational opportunities etc.

Does it matter? Are they nice to you? Sounds like your daughter has friends so I’d try not to worry about it.

You haven’t said they’ve said anything out of order to you, you mentioned their cars and houses, sounds like more of a you issue?