To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

Eight months is not a long time to be honest. She's still in bereavement. He's a twat for leaving her for another woman.

It's a pity that she won't say goodbye to the dogs and then get her own, new dogs. I'm sure it would be hard to let the dogs go, but the new dogs would symbolise a new life and might really help her. Especially if she got puppies.

But I guess she wants the connection with her ex. I'm also suspicious that the ex is ambivalent about his decision. If he really wanted her out of his life, wouldn't he just give her the dogs and get new ones like suggested above? Maybe he's giving her a bit of hope, which might explain her difficulty in moving on.

The dog situation reminds me of Ant and Lisa and their dog Hurley. I don't think that situation was healthy for Lisa at all.

I got a journal to write my feelings down after I split with my husband because who wants to hear my inner feelings on the subject on social media?

I'm 16 months on, 8 months since the final order, and whilst friends ask how I am, I don't blather on about it. The learned helplessness too, I mean, sheesh. I had to learn many things once the Dickhead left, but you just get on with it. And what you don't know you find on the Internet.

Distance yourself. Suddenly you have things to do. Suggest sources of information for her. But ffs don't be her babysitter, the woman has to learn, however hard it might feel.

Having experienced both, I disagree. They’re different, of course, but a breakup can be incredibly traumatic and difficult to process. Yes, the person is still alive, but your relationship with them has ended; they’re no longer available to you; you have to learn to navigate the world as a single person.

Jesus I hope she’s not bending the ears off her colleagues.

I feel for her, but agree with PPs to take a step back until she gets through this. I wouldn’t say anything directly as she probably won’t get it. Just say you’ve been struggling a bit with your DH being ill or whatever.

Either she is depressed or she thinks that somehow all this will make him change his mind??

She needs to get a grip and perhaps get some hobbies which involve lots of men (who do DIY)

To be honest she needs some tough love; it just seems like she is in denial.

He doesn’t want to stay with her, he requested a divorce, he isn’t going to get back with her. This problem isn’t magically going to resolve in the way she wants. What I would expect her relatives or close friends to say gently, is that she can’t change his mind and all she can do is take steps to move forward alone. What can she do now that future her would be thankful for?

She doesn’t need all the answers but she needs to realise that by pining for him, she’s sabotaging her future happiness. You’re there for her but you can’t keep listening to the same circular pity parties.

The thing is, people who have been bereaved will have lasting grief - but they will still allow the other person to talk. That sort of grief doesn’t go away quickly but most people who experience it are aware enough to sometimes talk about something else.

I have a couple of friends who I have supported through A Thing (I don’t want to say what). One, in particular, had been going through Thing for a couple of years. When my Dad died suddenly, she still only talked about The Thing (she knew my Dad had died but nonetheless was completely consumed with her problems). I am now phasing her out (or she is phasing me out - I think she has realised that I’m not up for carrying on the way I have been).

Should the OP suffer a bereavement, will the friend support her through it? Or will she scramble to move off the subject and back on to her ex? Only the OP will know.

I worked with someone who did this, she suddenly found people gave her attention when she made dramatic statements and proceeded to wring everylast drop out of it, loved every minute in her own way.

Like other posters I don't think she will listen to you or it will be another ... oh look at how everyone is abandoning me moment.

You can be there and supportive by helping her access help without you needing to be there fixing things for her. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and get help rather than rely on her friends heavily until they run out of time and emotional patience.

Oh the ex needs to do her a favour and tell her he has moved on. She will start to feel angry then empowered and will finally move on after a while.

Well she's either a drama queen, enjoying wallowing in it all or simply overwhelmed by it. Perhaos she has something in her past that has caused a real fear of, and inability to cope with, rejection. It sounds like she has become 'stuck' at a point in the process of coming to terms with it.

Can you kindly say that to her and suggest she has some counselling?

The way to deal with it us for her to make up her mind that she wants to be over it and move on- then to take some simple steps and stick to them:

1. Unfollow him in social media. Block him.
2. Delete his phone number. Block him.
3. Ask people not to discuss him with you (her).
4. Never ask anyone about him.
5. Every time he enters her head do something else- go fir a walk, make a cake, sing, go yo the gym, go shopping, watch a film.
6. Fill her diary with things to do so she is busy.
7. Find a hobby or an evening class.
8. Never look back at him - just keep focussed on herself and moving forward.
9. Go on holiday.
10. Always show real interest in friends/family.
11. Do something for other people every day- even something tiny.
12. Smile and be cheerful.

It works. I have been there- although not on social media posting stuff.

She sounds completely unhinged to me.. yes it can still feel raw after 8 months, but jesus there's no need to bang on about it constantly and post of Facebook constantly. She needs to get a grip.

For this level of distress, she definitely needs therapy. And maybe antidepressants.

I think that divorce is like bereavement insofar as if you haven't experienced it, you can't imagine how bad it is. I had a long, bad marriage, and truthfully him leaving as he did was the biggest favour he could have done me. However, even with that, I was really really surprised how sad it made me. I would never, ever have thought it could make me that sad had I not been through it.

An unwanted divorce is an enormous adjustment, and it's only been 8 months. That's not long at all. The mental shift required is massive, when for a long time you thought you would grow old together. And you remember when he loved you enough to marry you, and back when you were in love. The loss is enormous.

I also think that you should bear in mind that if you haven't been divorced, you probably can't imagine the magnitude of sadness she's experiencing.

If her husband (or anyone close like dad etc...) got hit by a bus or had a heart attack 8 months ago and died would you be telling her to get over it?

Grief exists at the loss of something not just physical death of a person. She didn't stop loving him so she lost something against her will that she wasn't and isn't over... grief takes years for many and some do never move on.

You don't get to tell someone their 'acceptable grieving period' and how anyone else 'may' imagine they would react/feel in her shoes is redundant.

The thing is, there’s a bit of a social contract with friends - you should each get to talk for at least a third of the time. It doesn’t have to be enforced all the time, particularly if something dramatic has just happened - but it should fall that way most of the time. The way the OP writes (the friend talked about her ex for three hours, they touched on her son’s issues but the friend was dying to move onto her ex) makes me think the one-third rule hasn’t been observed for a while.

Unfollow the friend on FB. Don’t see her for a bit - say that you’ve got some things going on which make it difficult to focus elsewhere for the time being.

That's exactly it.

8 months really isn’t long. She is grieving a future she thought she had. It’s really very sad and some people need professional help to get over something like this. Please don’t turn your back on her, but tell her nicely that she needs to get some help and this grief and lost love is consuming her and making her ill.

Cross posted.

I remember reading somewhere once - I think the Guardian CiF - from a man who had a lover walk out on him and a wife die of cancer and he said the first was more painful because of the rejection factor.

In some ways it is worse than a death as you are having to deal with the loss of them and the knowledge that it was their choice

Well she’s not going to move on still sharing “custody” of dogs and seeing him twice a week. If I had any intention of getting over someone I wouldn’t be doing that. If he was so insistent on seeing the dogs then he can pick them up or drop them off from a joint friend or family member. If either of them think this arrangement with the dogs is in anyone’s interest (including the dogs) then they are deluding themselves. But she is by desperately holding on to the idea he might come in for a glass of wine and rekindle their dead relationship like some really bad romance movie.

I wouldn’t say anything to her, she doesn’t want to hear it, but I’d back off and leave her to it. Keep changing the subject every time she brings it up and she’ll either get the hint or not want to hang out with you anymore.

Unfortunately the only way she’ll snap out of this misplaced hope she has for them is through a lot of therapy. Or when he gets a serious girlfriend and she finally realises it’s over for good. He’s not helping either by keeping her on Facebook seeing how she’s imploding or trying to be friends. A new girlfriend wouldn’t stand for it I’m sure.
There are no children involved. No contact other than the practicalities of the divorce is absolutely achievable in these circumstances.

This what happens when you have a parent child relationship with your partner.

The "child" in the relationship gets sacked off and tries to have the same relationship again and again, be it with another partner or their friends.

She's not a damsel in distress she just never grew into an independent adult clearly.

I think 8 months is nothing, particularly if her husband leaving has also triggered unresolved trauma.

If her behaviour is annoying for you, then you need to set some boundaries. This might sound like: you’re sorry to see her in so much pain. I’m finding it difficult to support you through this and don’t know what to say when you tell me about how evidently unhappy you are, that you would love to see her seek out someone more able to support her (i.e a thérapist).

Agreed, in some ways ex’s death would been
more bearable, although I would not have wished it on anyone. But grief is not logical and you can’t see past the fog sometimes.

OP’s friend does sound annoying in her helplessness though.

"She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend!"
Those posts aren't 'posts', those posts are direct messages to her ex hoping to guilt him into coming back.

"... she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. "
I'm inclined to think this is as performative as the Facebook posts. She thinks if she mopes around not getting over it, he'll come back and be the Knight in Shining Armour to her Damsel in Distress again.

"Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine."
If he wants to be free of her, he needs to knock that on the head, it's just keeping her wounds open.

What's his plan, wait until the dogs die (how old are the dogs anyway?), or continue opening the wounds twice a week? Does it flatter him that she's become a "professional wallower" (thanks for that term @HT2222)? In his shoes - I would cede ownership of the dogs to her (she definitely wouldn't cede her remaining link to him) knowing they'll be well cared for, and - walk away.

I don't think she'd listen to your advice to get a grip, @JandamiHash . I don't think she'd hear never mind listen! For your own sanity, you'd be best limiting your time in her company. @stardust777's suggestion is a good one - "I'd get in touch to let her know that you'll be quiet for the next few weeks as things are full on family-wise. To soften the blow, I'd signpost any resources or organisations that might be able to help ..." . After a break from the drama for a week or two, you may well feel refreshed enough to deal with her again, or you may decide you don't want to deal with her again.