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Original poster

To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

358 replies

JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 13:31

My friend’s OH asked her for a divorce about 8 months ago. Reason being “I’m sorry but I’ve changed and just don’t love you anymore”. This had been said before and they agreed to try and make it work but after a year it just didnt. no kids (by choice) just dogs. I was obviously terribly sorry for her and it was a shock as i thought they'd worked things out. But her struggle to cope is absolutely off the scale.

She posts about 10 times a day on facebook about how heartbroken she is, or posts memories saying things like "To think we will never go here again". Her ex is still her facebook friend! She calls me a lot crying and or asking for help - she was by her own admission the damsel in distress type in their marriage and never learnt how to do things like get the car serviced or change a lightbulb because her ex always did those things. When she first moved out she called me constantly asking how to find the boiler, how to use a thermostat etc

I’ve helped her through it as best I can, but she resolutely doesn’t want to get over it (she’s said this). She will “never be over it” and “never be ready to move on”. Her ex initially said they could be friends and they have a custody arrangement with the dogs so see each other twice a week. She gets upset because ex won’t stay to watch films or have a glass of wine.

I strongly suspect the ex has a new woman (this all coincided with taking up a particular hobby that has lots of women involved) but my friend refuses to believe this is possible.

Met friend for lunch at the weekend, and she spent 3 hours talking about her ex, crying and saying how she will never ever be over their marriage.

I did try and update her about my life - she initially asked how my kids were and I started updating her about my DS who has a chronic condition that’s thankfully been getting a bit better (I hope!). But she so clearly was desperate to stop talking about it and start talking about her ex.

Her other friends and family have attempted to tell her to move on and she’s fallen out with them or put a status on Facebook saying how upset she is (annoyingly to scores of people telling her she has shit friends if they expect her to just move on and she should take as long as she needs).

Now I love her but I’m getting fed up at her lack of self awareness. I get she’s heartbroken but come on - to be so resolutely sure that you always want to be wallowing in misery, and consuming your friends with your grief, is not ok in my book.

WIBU to politely tell her to get a grip and that next time we meet we limit the conversation about her ex? I don’t want to upset her but equally it’s not fair on me for her to be this way

Or am I an insensitive cow who should be a better friend?

OP posts:
Madeinbuck · 27/01/2025 20:31

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Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 20:28

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What is yanuvva?

She isn’t in the home they shared

OP posts:
Madeinbuck · 27/01/2025 20:26

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Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 20:16

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Yes exactly - meaning I don’t know for sure. My friend is certain there’s no OW and had said “Alex wouldn’t do that to me”. Like I said I’ve never known a marriage split without cheating or very-convenient-getting-together-with-a-colleague-very-soon-after type situation

OP posts:
Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 20:15

PeppyGreenFinch · 27/01/2025 19:52

Did you post about your friend before?

It’s ringing some bells. Is she the one who had a lovely life at home, baking?

Sorry if not, that thread might be useful too.

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No not me - and I wouldn’t eat her baking if you paid me 🤣 I’ve said this to her as she’s a self confessed terrible cook (as am I)

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Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 20:13

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Like I’ve said I don’t if there is an OW it’s just a hunch/cynicism.

I know her ex tried for a year because she’s a good friend and told me the first time they almost split and I’d check in on her to see how it was going. Also this is what her ex said when they split 8 months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 20:09

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 27/01/2025 19:13

Poor woman. I can see how it would be tough for you to have to listen to her day in day out, but I'm glad that you're not my friend because you talk about her with such disdain. I don't think you should tell her to pull herself together or snap out of it because she probably can't. She is having a kind of breakdown. She needs professional help, as others have mentioned.

I particularly disliked the post where you implied that her DH was right to leave her because of her "helplessness". What friend says things like that?

8 months isn't that long. I hope that she is able to find herself again independently of him. We all know what's going on with him and deep down she knows it too and won't be surprised when he posts that his new woman is pregnant. As I said before...poor woman. I wish her well.

Well I’m not the kind of friend who pretends their mates are perfect and did nothing wrong, and I would find the helplessness very draining indeed if it was me so I’m not sure why it’s bad to say that?

OP posts:
Madeinbuck · 27/01/2025 20:06

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PeppyGreenFinch · 27/01/2025 19:52

JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 19:46

There’s some very good advice here thank you!

I think I will step away for now and tell her to seek as much help as she can but I’ve got a busy few months ahead (which is true) so to pull in support from everywhere and even it out a little. Thank you to whoever posted the Mind link. I’m going to reiterate about the ridiculous dog arrangement too - dogs are both 9/10ish I suggested taking one each and she said “If you divorced your DH would you only pick one child?” (REALLY had to bite my tongue on that one).

Shes a very old friend and I don’t want to lose her and she’s always been so in love from the moment she met her ex and really sustained that love so I get it’s very hurtful. For ages they were one of those annoying loved up couples! I have said that breaking away might actually be the best thing that’s ever happened to her and a year from now will look very different (I just hope I’m right)

Her ex isn’t a bastard and doesn’t need revenge exacted - unless there is an OW, but perhaps that’s my cynical mind at play because I’ve never know a couple to divorce without one of them having someone waiting in the wings. In the event there is no OW her ex really worked very hard for a year to fall back in love with her and it just didn’t happen. I think people do have a right to fall out of love with their husbands/wives and should leave if that happens

Did you post about your friend before?

It’s ringing some bells. Is she the one who had a lovely life at home, baking?

Sorry if not, that thread might be useful too.

Hyperbowl · 27/01/2025 19:52

I would be firm and tell her that you’ve exhausted your abilities to try and help her cope and it’s putting a strain on your friendship. I would also say that she needs to seek professional help because it’s beyond your capabilities and it’s not helping by keeping on going through it. She’s using you as an emotional crutch and draining you. She’s also being extremely manipulative and I’d have no time for that at all. She doesn’t want help, she wants someone to emotionally hold hostage and give her undivided attention instead of being an adult and sorting her shit out. It’s not a two way street friendship and she doesn’t care about you or your life beyond what she can gain from you. Utterly selfish. Bow out and allow all these hoards of self righteous Facebook friends who are falling over themselves to put theirselves in your position.

Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 19:51

NotTerfNorCis · 27/01/2025 19:01

Eight months is not a long time to be honest. She's still in bereavement. He's a twat for leaving her for another woman.

TBF I don’t know if this happened or not it’s just a hunch

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lightsandtunnels · 27/01/2025 19:51

I agree with PPs to distance yourself somewhat. Make yourself busy and not as accessible to her for a period of time at least. I had a similar thing with a close friend of mine and in the end it was my DH who told me that I should back off as her trauma was causing me trauma! It was relentless and she couldn't talk about anything else. She will get through it if she wants to but of course she will have to do it herself. You've been (and are being) a great friend OP but she really does need to sort this out for herself - sounds like you've done all you can for now.

Madeinbuck · 27/01/2025 19:50

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Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 19:46

There’s some very good advice here thank you!

I think I will step away for now and tell her to seek as much help as she can but I’ve got a busy few months ahead (which is true) so to pull in support from everywhere and even it out a little. Thank you to whoever posted the Mind link. I’m going to reiterate about the ridiculous dog arrangement too - dogs are both 9/10ish I suggested taking one each and she said “If you divorced your DH would you only pick one child?” (REALLY had to bite my tongue on that one).

Shes a very old friend and I don’t want to lose her and she’s always been so in love from the moment she met her ex and really sustained that love so I get it’s very hurtful. For ages they were one of those annoying loved up couples! I have said that breaking away might actually be the best thing that’s ever happened to her and a year from now will look very different (I just hope I’m right)

Her ex isn’t a bastard and doesn’t need revenge exacted - unless there is an OW, but perhaps that’s my cynical mind at play because I’ve never know a couple to divorce without one of them having someone waiting in the wings. In the event there is no OW her ex really worked very hard for a year to fall back in love with her and it just didn’t happen. I think people do have a right to fall out of love with their husbands/wives and should leave if that happens

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 27/01/2025 19:36

She sounds like Alice Evans. Its sad. Sympathy for the lady. But like you say you want them to just get a grip and be a little more dignify.

Original poster
JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 19:36

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2025 17:19

Off-topic, but can I just say your dad is a star?

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He really is - well was, lost him 12 years ago. The book still smells of himSad

OP posts:
Ger1atricMillennial · 27/01/2025 19:33

She is heading for mental illness if she is not there already. A firm discussion with her about going to the GP and working with a pyschologist is needed. Then leave it, if she doesn't chose to listen you can't change that.

There is only so much you can manage yourself from someone behaving as an energy vampire.

andfinallyhereweare · 27/01/2025 19:25

https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780008511746/really-good-actually/

buy her this book (it’s a comedy) but completely eye opening… also 8 months isn’t that long. It takes 10 years for attachment bond to break. Depends how much you like her and want the friendship to survive…

Really Good, Actually

THE NO. 2 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLERThe Times Popular Fiction Book of the Year‘A heartbreaker of a book’ THE TIMES'Alarmingly relatable' MARIAN KEYES‘Hila...

https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780008511746/really-good-actually

ChampagneLassie · 27/01/2025 19:19

JandamiHash · 27/01/2025 16:26

I don’t like to ask but I do wonder if my friend’s helplessness was a factor in the break up. I know I couldn’t be arsed having to look after someone like that. One of the best things my dad ever did for me (though I did a monumental eye roll at the time being a know it all teenager) was shortly before I went to Uni gave me a little booklet he’d made of things to learn - things like how to find a stop cock, how to wire a plug, how to hang a picture, how to change a tyre, what to do in a power cut etc. I still have it!! And he told me to never ever be dependent on anyone else for this or allow them to be dependent on me.

I like this, it’s a good idea.

fetchacloth · 27/01/2025 19:18

BetterWithPockets · 27/01/2025 18:50

Having experienced both, I disagree. They’re different, of course, but a breakup can be incredibly traumatic and difficult to process. Yes, the person is still alive, but your relationship with them has ended; they’re no longer available to you; you have to learn to navigate the world as a single person.

Show quote history

I've experienced both being divorced and widowed, and I believe there is a real finality to being widowed that isn't the same as being divorced.
Sure, the divorce really took the stuffing out of me but I accepted it and was over it within a few months and moved on.
Being widowed was totally different - for two years afterwards I just wanted to be dead myself as I didn't see the point of living. I had to have extensive counselling during that time just to accept that it had happened. Another two years later I'm now feeling more my normal self 🙂

Threecakes · 27/01/2025 19:17

You have my sympathy OP, I’ve had to massively distance myself from a close friend who spent a decade bitching and moaning about her husband (including in front of him!!). Then when he filed for divorce, she’s bemoaning her fate…after sitting on her butt doing nothing for 15 years. She’s unemployable and now hates being short of money more than she hated being married to him. It’s draining being a bystander, so I’ve massively pulled back.

Hope you’re able to distance yourself to!!

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 27/01/2025 19:13

Poor woman. I can see how it would be tough for you to have to listen to her day in day out, but I'm glad that you're not my friend because you talk about her with such disdain. I don't think you should tell her to pull herself together or snap out of it because she probably can't. She is having a kind of breakdown. She needs professional help, as others have mentioned.

I particularly disliked the post where you implied that her DH was right to leave her because of her "helplessness". What friend says things like that?

8 months isn't that long. I hope that she is able to find herself again independently of him. We all know what's going on with him and deep down she knows it too and won't be surprised when he posts that his new woman is pregnant. As I said before...poor woman. I wish her well.

fetchacloth · 27/01/2025 19:08

StarCourt · 27/01/2025 13:53

she sounds as if she needs therapy and possibly anti depressants

I would agree with this.
Having been through a similar experience myself, therapy in the form of a support group, really helped me move on.
Due to my ex H's poor behaviour whilst we were still married, I was already on anti depressants at the time of separation but was off them completely before the decree absolute came through.
It can be done, she just needs the right nudge, probably from someone professional.

Blueblell · 27/01/2025 19:02

16 years is quite a long marriage to get over but it sounds like she is not wanting to move on and sounds quite helpless. It must be draining for you but if she is a good friend I would probably give her more time. However I would make lots of suggestions about moving on with her life which she might not like.

Unfortunately the dog situation is probably just making things worse. If they see each other twice a week presumably for handover, can they not change the set up so that they both have the dog for longer chunks of time. Seeing each other twice a month would be better

nodramaplz · 27/01/2025 19:02

Time will heal!
Give her 10 minutes, then Discreetly change the subject.