To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

Well if course the friend is being irrational! Who posts ten 'woe is me' Facebook statuses a day about their divorce?

Anyway, of course you're not being unreasonable. She really sounds bonkers and you cannot help her. If she is willing to humiliate herself publicly to her ex and everyone who knows her she is way beyond self awareness and a bit of a chat about her behavoiur.

Of course she's mourning, and of course 8 months is not too long but you are not her counsellor and cannot counsel her.

Reasonable people understand that this barrage of misery and woe is not something most people are capable of dealing with or want to have to deal with.

I don't think talking to her will help at all, I'd just back off and mute her. If you do meet up and she brings it up again you could maybe suggest grief counselling as grief counsellors do work with divorced people too in grief, loss and bereavement counselling.

This. And I'd definitely bring up the FB posting, especially if she has any colleagues as friends. I'm gathering the courage to have a similar conversation with a friend who's going to make himself unemployable at this rate, through his self indulgent and passive aggressive posting about his last employer who, with very good reason, was forced to sack him.

And yes, she needs counselling, and she needs to know that you're not it, and that it might help if she started showing an interest in her friends lives.

Do it. I told someone a couple of years ago that I couldn't see the point of discussing her grievances with her on again/off again partner any longer, because I no longer felt I was able to.

Frankly it had become a stuck record, and anyway she would only go back to him yet again.

Op for what's its worth I know exactly what it's like. With a father dying and a child being diagnosed with a autoimmune disease all at the same time. I do think she's being ridiculous with the social media bs and it will in no way help her. I do think she could use a come to jesus.

if I was having a breakdown, which your friend sounds like she is having right now, I would not want to have a friend like you around. I suggest you distant yourself not only for your sake, but for her sake too. Doesn't make you a terrible person, but you have clearly reached your capacity and now lack the compassion, patience and empathy necessary to be alongside this person who is truly at a low ebb.

well, you have obviously had enough. For now, at least. Why not just have a bit of a break from her - it doesn't have to be a permanent NC. You can check in by text every now and then. You can even use the just let her talk/listening-not listening technique on the phone where you just let her talk, but don't necessarily listen to everything she's saying, but make encouraging noises every now and then that make it sound like you're listening. You can even lay your phone down on speaker for a bit and just let her talk away. I have used this technique a couple of times and it's worked. The speaker gets to go on and on and I don't really have to listen too deeply so am not affected by what they're saying, but it's immensely satisfying for them.

Condolences re your father.

With due respect, because you handled the grief well that time does not mean that you would be as sanguine if your marriage fell apart. We don't always know how we are going to be affected by grief. I have seen it be a very wild experience for a lot of people.

The fact you say "beyond what is rational" just demonstrates you haven't the slightest clue of what this can be like.

My dh tried strategic incompetence with cooking. I told him he was an adult and perfectly capable of cooking and in a marriage two people pull their weight. I’d have divorced him if he’d thought a marriage was me carrying him, how is that unreasonable?

Emotions aren't rational.

My husband and I separated and it took me a full year to feel anywhere close to normal. I lost a huge amount of weight, didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I felt completely overwhelmed and out of control. And that was with weekly counselling and antidepressants. I didn't do the FB craziness, but I definitely did offload too often onto some people. I desperately tried to stop myself because I knew it wasn't fair on them, but sometimes it would just spill out of me when I really didn't intend it to. I have apologised subsequently to the ones I relied on most.

I am not excusing or justifying her reaction, but I can completely understand it.

I know a couple of women like this - not close friends, but in friendship groups. Absolutely dependent on their husbands and if they are not around, glom on to whoever will take care of them. It is exhausting. One of the marriages is very solid, but the other one has been shaky for years (to the point that their adult children have said to me they dont know why their parents are still together). God knows how she will cope if it does come to an end. This level of dependence is not normal or healthy, so it is not surprising how much she is struggling. But it is not your job to be her sole support.

FIND the boiler? How big is her house...?

She sounds pretty pathetic. She will toughen up a bit now, because she'll have to, but you need to think about how long you're willing to wait. It's not going to happen overnight.