To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

I posted from the viewpoint of my ex-husband having an affair with someone I thought was a close friend.
The OP is still not being a bad friend. You can only do so much.

Ps I wish everyone above had posted whether they were split from people or not because if not then it’s difficult to understand

I can’t believe so many people can’t see her side- you marry someone and you think you’ve your person for life! It’s an awful shock to the system. I don’t get upset as I did (not separated yet but going through the motions), but I was absolutely in a pit for a while and it’s impossible to see outside that- you literally can’t believe that other people are happy and that life is going on outside your misery.

She needs help don't abandon her tell her the truth. Tell her you are her friend and you need to tell her the truth she has to get control.

To some people it is. I feel for your friend but I understand how you feel too. It can be overwhelming having to listen to someone's grief constantly. I think you've done what you can . All the suggestions given seem fair, to you. I hope she has at least one friend or relative who can still help her deal with it.

Sorry, her wife

YANBU she does need to get a grip (therapy and medication) it's a toughie because she is unhinged and you don't know how she'll react- she sounds rather selfish imo. Can see why her hubby wants a divorce! Lucky escape!!

She is experiencing a huge loss.
Talking to a grief therapist might help her - though nothing will bring back the marriage.

Let her get over it herself you can only help & advice someone so much

It's true though that the time it takes to recover varies hugely from person to person.

Two of us who'd had relationships fail were talking about this over drinks. We were saying how even now - months down the line - the sadness would be overwhelming some days, and the loss felt depthless, and though the giddy sense of freedom might kick in at any time that was bad because there was always a crashing comedown of regret and loneliness, and, like, it just seems endless and were we ever going to feel normal again?

Our friend arrived, sat down, asked what were were talking about.

"How a break-up just completely devastates you. It's so difficult to get back on track. Just takes ages..."

"Oh, God, I know," said the newcomer, pouring a glass of Sauvignon, "I felt exactly the same when X and I split up. Just devastated. Really fucked up my Bank Holiday weekend."

I should add that Ihave been in a similar situation to you. A friend of mine had something really awful happen to her, which tore her apart. She has been deteriorating mentally. I can't support her in the way that she needs (no friend could) because I believe she needs specialist support. She is so low and what happened to her was so awful, but unfortunately, it also pulls me down when I engage with her. I just hope that, although I can't give her what she ultimately needs, that I am not unkind to her and don't tell her to "get a grip", which would be so cruel because she is already going through a lot and I really doubt that she could just "pull herself together". When I don't engage with her I send her encouraging texts, saying that I hope she's doing OK or that I'm thinking of her. It's a tricky situation.

Good advice! And an excellent user name!

I remember that my DSis was a bit like this when her marriage broke up. It was in 2003, so social media wasn’t really a thing then. I took her to the law firm where I worked as a secretary and she filed for divorce. I also discovered that her STBXH had been violent to her, but because he was the one who wanted out, she was in shock. She rang me a lot and stayed with us for several weekends and we visited her.

But then my FIL died in a car accident a couple of weeks later and I found myself having to support my DH as well, when we had only been married for a few months. And he had to support MIL, who was understandably deep in shock; she had also been in the car with FIL. She was on the phone with my DH for an hour every evening and then very often my DSis would call as well. It was a very hard time.

I can reassure you that it really does get better. My DSis was a real mess for at least a year, but then she came through it and started dating again. She’s now happily married to her lovely second DH with a family.

It took my MIL much longer (at least 5 years) but she came through it too, eventually. At first she couldn’t stop blaming the police for not prosecuting the other driver, unable to accept that FIL had made a mistake. I worked in the PI department and we handled her claim. I typed the letters explaining the reality to her. I really regretted recommending the law firm where I worked.

It was so hard for my DH, as he was grieving, too, but he had to be strong for his DM. He was probably very like you in how he handled his grief.

But, as I said, she did come through it and she now loves being a grandma to her 7 DGCs. (We have two DDs and my BIL and SIL have five, four of whom are adults now.)

it sounds like severe depression. People in the middle of depression can be extremely self centred, completely unintentionally, and supporting them can be exhausting.

Don't rule out checking with her other friends and family how she is, or at least trying to see her with them. I’ve seen on a couple of occasions a depressed person will view one particular person as their go to for offloading all their depression, and put on a brighter front the rest of the time. I saw my grandma do it with my mum. She was alright with me, but as soon as my mum was there it was like someone flicked a switch. It was hell for my mum because that’s all she saw of her for the last few years. I also had a friend do it to me, which was absolutely draining to the point where I had to back away completely after a few years.

I honestly don’t know how you deal with it other than distancing yourself unfortunately. You’ve been a good friend, but you cannot sacrifice your own mental wellbeing for her. Could you try arranging to do shared activities with her so that there’s less talking involved? Phrase it as trying to take her mind off things maybe. Plan a trip to the theatre or to see a show, then you’ve got an obvious subject to talk about other than her ex. For some reason I want to suggest you both take up rock climbing. Might be a terrible idea, but I can’t get it out of my head so I’m writing it. Basically I think it’s worth trying to change the dynamic of the friendship so that you’re doing something together rather than just sitting talking. Hopefully that could change you from being the friend who she offloads everything on, to being the friend who takes her mind off things and cheers her up.

I think your posts have just demonstrated exactly why your friend hasn't been able to move on as quickly as you want her to. You haven't moved on as quickly as you thought you had, hence your explosive anger towards someone who was replying to you in a reasonable way.

In the woke world, you are being unresonable. Its her lived experience, you should support and understand her and be empathetic. She's the victim.

The rest of us in the real world would say you are not being unreasonable. I'm sorry but she needs to suck it up, deal with it and move on.

Yes, exactly!

Also reminds me of a great episode of ‘Dinnerladies’ where Jean is getting divorced and turns into a nightmare.
And Bren tells her as it is. I know it’s a comedy but it is actually a really powerful episode because Jean is obsessed with her ex and her OW and can’t get over it.

OP, this reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie is constantly obsessing over the end of her relationship with Big and in the end, the other three have to sit her down and tell her she needs therapy as they can't help her anymore. "We're just as fucked up as you are. It's like the blind leading the blind."

Not that I'm saying you're fucked up, of course! But I think you're absolutely right in that you can't go on like this indefinitely. She needs help. You're not a bad friend at all.

This is a very difficult situation to be in. You want to be a good friend but at the same time you feel drained and frustrated. I was in a similar position many years ago. My friend was going through a divorce and I spent hours and hours hearing about it. I remember one phone call that went on for three hours. I had a new baby at the time and was exhausted. I later found out that my friend, despite the hatred she professed to feel for her soon to be ex husband, had been meeting him for a weekly 'afternoon delight' session the whole time, despite the fact that she knew he was seeing someone else and that's what made them seek a divorce in the first place. I felt like an absolute fool. It's made me very wary of things like this. I would advise you to tread carefully and take a step back if you possibly can. Not saying your friend is doing what my friend did, but listening to hours of heartbreak without being asked anything about your life can be soul destroying.

@ThisFluentBiscuit Of course not!

Tittat50 & HollyKnight give good advice 🙌

It’s easy to stop liking a friend when you know that, despite you having had a head fall off, they are going to switch the conversation back to Simon in 3 … 2 … 1.