To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

I wouldn't bother with the "get a grip" message - you'll only end up on her FB Shit List. But next time you arrange to meet definitely tell her that you don't want to talk about her ex because it's bloody depressing and you want to enjoy your lunch.

I think it’s a case of reframing things and having boundaries. I agree with those suggesting that you limiting venting time, and spend more time talking about solutions, or spending time doing activities where he is not the centre of focus.

Framing it as wanting to be a better friend by helping her move on rather than helping her stay stuck in a really bad place.

Are there any interests that she has had previously that she could reignite in order to build her self esteem and sense of self away from being in a couple.

I agree that her ex is doing her zero favours with the whole staying Facebook friends/dog custody thing. Any idea why he’s not made a clean break?

@Madeinbuck I think so. I ditched FB years ago, but that's what I recall, dots or numbers. You only had to click on FB once to get all the notifications and once you clicked them they opened up. It's been a while though, so not sure if that's still the case.

You couldn't be more right but I doubt she will stop.

She sounds like a bit of an attention seeker.

She won't listen and she won't change. How you proceed is up to you

When I was on FB I used to get notifications when friends posted, assuming that is still the case?

Sadly she won't be able to just switch off her obsessive grief like a tap, just because it's annoying you, or others. If only it were that simple. Not that you're wrong for finding it intolerable almost.

I remember when I thought my relationship was over. I literally acted crazy. Crying, posting loads of self pittying stuff on FB, really unpleasant for others to have to deal with. But I couldn't have stopped if I tried. Some friends did permanently keep their distance.

I'm glad that many did stick by me though. But I knew I did need to shut up else I'd alienate everyone.

It's really hard and by all means tell her you'll meet up, but speaking about her ex is off the cards.
Hopefully she will eventually move on.

If she was a “damsel in distress” during their marriage, then it isn’t very surprising that she’s also dealing with the divorce the same way.

I imagine there are several issues here. Firstly, the FB thing and trying to make her ex stay during dog handover time suggest that she’s trying to do whatever she can to get some kind of reaction from him, or feel like she’s still holding some kind of power over him (even if it doesn’t work). Until she starts to accept that he isn’t coming back, this won’t change, and I imagine he is somewhat enabling her behaviour by still being kind etc. Until he turns on her, unfortunately it’s unlikely to really stop.

Secondly, the obsession with talking about it with you and others. As others have said, she’ll probably just get angry and dramatic if you suggest you don’t want to listen anymore. If you really still want to be friends, I’d probably handle it by meeting up to do things, rather than have a coffee/drink/dinner where the only activity is talking. So things like going bowling, going to the gym, taking up a new hobby together, that kind of thing.

I suspect she will move from deep grief straight to deep love with another poor sap who will change her lightbulbs and put her bins out for her, without gaining any independent living skills in the interim...

The very first thing you need to do is mute her on FB. That's the easy win here.

On the rest, clearly she is not going to be over it after 8 months. But I think it would be reasonable to say to her, I've had a hard time recently with DS chronic condition and I hoped we could talk about that, you could give me some support. It's been a lot and it would help to discuss it with a friend. Then try and make sure you stay on that topic for a sustained period, and see what happens.

Is she the needy kind who will latch onto someone else's husband?

Would you suggest her Employee Assistance Programme for counselling ?

I know I couldn’t listen to any of that for even 10 minutes, I have way too much going on, my own son is very sick, plus some other major life stresses that are very heavy, so even though I think I’m a good friend, I just couldn’t give her the air.

I would have to say ‘I think maybe you should go talk to someone who can help you with some solutions’ because she is just using you like a human voice note now. you don’t have to listen anymore, especially as it seems to not be solving anything. I don’t think she could take on board any suggestions or criticisms anyway. She needs professional help.

Id suggest counselling to her and back away. Good luck x

It sounds like you've never suffered a grief bad enough to last 8 months, how lucky for you.

When it happens to you then you will expect your friends to stick around.

Patience is a virtue.

Someone needs to have a discreet word with the ex and tell him to let her have the dogs and stop going round there, it's clearly giving her mixed messages.

I can understand heartbreak but what I can't understand is using up your friends emotional bandwidth. Even if I was utterly distraught after a couple of months I would have enough self awareness to not implicate my friends to the point where they feel I'm not listening to their problems. YANBU

I think yanbu after so long to want to have a change of record. I would be less available to meet up or not answer phone calls until you feel like it. The problem lies with her not you or any if the other "shit friends", who in desperation have moved away.
She needs professional help to move on.
For your own sanity move to arms length for now.... you are feeding an endless self pity pit

Tell her you do noot wish to discuss her marriage/divorce arrangements, anyway it's none of your business to advise way or the other, she could turn around and blame you if things went pear-shaped. Discretion is the better part of valour.

How about encouraging her to see a counsellor? Tell her that you are very sorry, but you don't feel equipped to support her in the way she needs it.Maybe arrive with some names. And potentially even that you would rather that conversation was not so consistently and dominantly part of your and her conversation together.

I think you need to stop being her Knight in Shining Armor for a start and let her begin to rescue herself. She’s not going to learn how until she’s given the chance.

The Facebook thing sounds very annoying. It probably doesn’t help that her FB “friends” are acting like an echo chamber and telling her what she wants to hear. She’s getting the validation from them to wallow in misery.

I can understand she is still in pain though. How old is she? Are you certain the no children thing was a joint decision between them and not one sided?

She needs therapy as it has completely consumed her, I think that is what I would gently suggest in your shoes.

She's stuck in grief and needs therapy. I would suggest counselling and don't indulge her as much in her off loading.

I wouldn't tell her to get over it as it won't help but maybe take a step back from the friendship for now as it must draining

She is clearly deeply traumatised and not able to think or act rationally. She needs proper mental health support. I'd strongly encourage her to get this - tell her you simply don't have the skills or knowledge to help her and she needs to find someone who can.

She's going to end up with no friends as well as no husband if she doesn't get proper help to process this and rebuild herself.