To tell my friend (nicely and diplomatically) to get a grip re her divorce?

Brutal but very true

Since when did people stop being able to cope with life? All the while she is being pandered to , you are all enabling her. Tell her to get a grip, get a life and get on with it. This pathetic behavior is ridiculous. And yes I speak from experience. My husband said to me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He did not want the responsibility of me ! Up yours sunshine and off I went. I held my head and my pride up and got on with it. My life is wonderful now. Stop pandering and start getting tough. And no, she does not need anti depressants, so over used. She is not depressed, she is sad, she needs to learn how to cope with it. And she certainly should not take up the time of a therapist, they are for people who are really sick.

I have a friend that suffers mental health issues and I've had to unfollow them because their posts have gotten more and more irritating nobody likes me I'm ugly yaddayadda it's constant , I'd unfollow her and distance myself.
Her ex is going to have to give up the dogs if he wants any chance of moving on with his life and allow her to do the same as seeing him really won't be helping her instability if/when he meets someone else she's going to completely lose her mind

And by extension an understanding of what he can tolerate.

Look, I am not going to go round and round on this. If you're saying that I misinterpreted what you said, fine. But that is very different to telling lies, which is what you accused me of.

I'm not telling lies. You said this: "I don’t like to ask but I do wonder if my friend’s helplessness was a factor in the break up. I know I couldn’t be arsed having to look after someone like that.

Perhaps I misread this but it sounds quite understanding of why the ex left.

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, OP. While I understand that the state your friend is in could get you down and that you might need a break from it, I don't understand why you seem to want to prove her "wrong" for grieving. You've even said you understand why her ex left her etc. It sounds as though you can't stand her. If that's true there's nothing wrong with that, but it might be best to be honest with yourself and leave the poor woman alone. She has other friends, surely.

The dog custody arrangement is playing a significant part in her inability to move on. To still be seeing each other twice a week after 8 months is unhealthy and one would think in most cases that arrangement would have burned out. But then look at Ant McPartlin and his ex - he refused to give her full custody of their dog either - some people just can't do the bigger thing and walk away.

Apologies if i missed it but have divorce proceedings actually progressed in the last 8 months? If not, is this making her think there's still hope on a misguided level?

She sounds like she is codependent and in that case she will feel like her world has ended. Hypnotherapy can be really useful in these situations to help tell the subconscious mind to let go. I used it myself for other things and it has amazed me in how it changed my life for the good ☺️

Op this has all happened in the last year hasn’t it? Or is it longer?

but even if they haven't been through a long-term relationship ending, most people have been through something equally, or more upsetting/traumatic during the course of their lives. There aren't many people who have never had a break up or bereavement.

I've got to say that no matter what has happened in my life, I've never been so myopic and selfish to be literally unable to understand that other, unrelated people are "happy and that life is going on outside your misery." That's taking being self-centered to an extreme. Talk about main character syndrome.

Yes!!!!

How is that everyone else's problem though??!

You have gone above and beyond what most people would do even for a very good friend.
Can’t believe the people giving you grief would do more. I got divorced a very long time ago, discovered my ex was having an affair with a close friend of mine. I was devastated. I confided in one good friend but most of the time just pretended I was fine, although my divorce was before social media I wouldn’t have wanted word to get back to them that I was an emotional wreck. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it!

OP, I don’t think you’re being totally unreasonable here. It definitely rings alarm bells that she has said she doesn’t WANT to get over it, and the posting for attention on social media would also drive me up the wall.

At the same time, I have been through a divorce and it is a MAJOR adverse life event, really it is right up there if you look at the official list of things that human beings scientifically find most stressful in life at number two, right after death of a spouse.

www.dartmouth.edu/eap/library/lifechangestresstest.pdf

Because it’s so common now in our society and because some people as you describe seem to handle it well, I think most people who haven’t been through it themselves completely underestimate the life-shattering impact it has on people. Just because it’s an everyday tragedy, it’s still a tragedy in that person’s life and will really affect them. It’s no surprise that at only 8 months in your friend is still preoccupied with it all. I am over a decade down the line and I still feel the aftershocks from it. It affects so much in your life as well, not just your love life, including as you said finances and for her, her dogs etc.

I would give it at least a year personally before trying to have a frank conversation with her about it all, other than to maybe gently challenge the declarations of zero intention to get over it which does not bode well. It is normal for her to be somewhat self-centred at this time though maybe not to quite the extent she is

It’s ok for you to not want to continue to spend hours and hours talking over it all though, and not unreasonable that you would like to be able to talk about your own problems too etc. I think as others have said in your shoes and given that she has other sources of support I would try to be a bit “busy” for a while and when you do meet, try to gently steer the conversation away from her ex husband after a while.

I probably was a bit like this around my divorce though not quite to your friend’s extent, and it was much more complex given that we have a child and he had been abusive and there was child custody stuff going on etc. And I do have bipolar disorder which doesn’t help. But my friends eventually started saying things like “let’s try to just have some fun tonight and avoid depressing topics” or “I am banning you from mentioning (ex) tonight” (in a lighthearted tone kind of thing, but I also knew they meant it 🤣). I started to remember that other people also had lives and problems and would try to make more of an effort to ask about them and be supportive to them too. I’d definitely say the absolute shock of it all took about a year to wear off though and up until then I was more self-centred than I’d ever been in my life, not intentionally so, I’m not at all a selfish person or a bad friend generally, but at that time my own problems just seemed so huge I couldn’t see past them at all.

I can’t believe all the grief you are getting on here. It’s so draining dealing with a friend like yours and it seems you are at the end of how much energy you can keep giving her. I would be too & I consider myself a good friend. I agree to pull back a little, when you do meet give her a while of talking about the ex & then say can we shelf this convo for today & concentrate on other things. It will do her good not to spend entire times together focusing on him. Find common ground & subjects that are positive for you both. Friend ship works both ways and letting her dwell whilst together is not as kind as changing the direction of focus & conversation. You need to be firm with her & say let’s change the subject. I think a firm but kind hand & manner is needed her. You are not a counsellor you are a friend & now it’s time to try and help her focus on other subjects. Good luck

I agree she needs counselling.

Are the people saying she has shit friends willing to provide that kind of support themselves?

I agree with those saying the dog custody thing needs to end. A decision has to be made re one person or other keeping the dogs and that’s that. The two of them need to cut ties completely- Facebook as well — and never see each other for her to get over it.