AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

I agree they shouldn’t have gossiped but you shouldn’t have shared either. You’ve taken that feedback on the chin so fair play. It sounds like you’re doing a great job.

One thing that did leap out was you said that your daughter is open with her friends and isn’t ashamed. I would just counsel her to maybe not be quite so open. Speaking from bitter experience, this is intimate stuff and she may regret sharing with ‘friends’ who may use this against her later.

YABU to have been gossiping about your daughter
YABU to assume that if you gossip with them, they won't gossip with others
YANBU to be annoyed about it though
Private stuff should be kept private
Time to cut the gossip to prevent anything like this happening again

I can't imagine a partner being that interested in any of the gossip shared in a group of mums. So to her it must have been something she's a bit judgy on, something they debate about their own kids/sleepovers, or perhaps they are just that sort of couple.
I've always found guys definitely gossip but in this instance I think it's weird - it's so irrelevant to them, or should be, why pass it on? The partner or at least the mum who didn't go agree I think or it wouldn't have got back to you.
In case it's not clear, I don't think you did anything wrong, groups of parents who have been friends for many years will share stuff about their kids - for inclusion purposes, ie, yes we're all in it together, for support, or to get it all out and cheer yourselves up. It hardly sounds like you were massively gossiping about the ins and outs of her life - I'd have assumed they were having an adult relationship anyway at their age, long term, staying over.
It's the guy passing it on that is the weirdest imo.

Many decades ago, when I was a young woman, I worked in a shipping office. One of the ship Captains, many years older than I became great friends. When his vessel was berthed I sometimes went down for lunch on board during my one-and-a-half lunch hour. We were not lovers. One day a lad from another company visited the office, asked me for a date, one of the men in the office said "No chance Peter she's already fixed up with..." and named the Captain. Apparently, all the staff in the office assumed we were lovers - I put them right, but to this day 60 years later I am sure they did not believe me.

You need to educate yourself about consent and teenagers.

I can think of a number of reasons why you might reference that a DC is in a sexual relationship with close confidants. It’s hardly shocking at that age when there is a steady BF/GF involved. And it’s not as if OP was gossiping details, as she has made clear.

A wife telling her DH is a bit odd and that DH then texting his mate is fucking weird and creepy and I would absolutely call them out on it making it very clear that two adult men discussing a 15 year old girls sex life is grim.

that is absolutely not how decent men behave 🤢

That is extremely unlikely. And some gobshite told all and sundry, not the OP.

She may not see any harm in it, but the fact is it is illegal and her boyfriend could be charged with rape. So much better not to tell all and sundry.

We go out as a group of mums. I don't share much with my husband afterwards. I would certainly not have shared this conversation with him.

Is it common these days to blab?

Me neither.

I completely agree, as someone whose youngest is the same and has had a boyfriend for a year at 16. That said, I haven't openly discussed it with friends but would be honest if someone asked me.

I think the two dads are absolutely vile to discuss a daughter of friends in this way though. Ugh. God knows what else they don't admit to saying about girls that age.

And also passing comment on your parenting! Methinks he doth protest too much. I'd be watching him like a fucking hawk in future and if I bumped into him I'd give him a piece of my mind, the absolute guttersnipe.

Minority but I think you're getting a bit shot down here, I can easily see how you thought it was safe information to share, if you've been friends for years you'll have shared so many personal things it's probably not dawned on you (;until now!) that's it's not your information to share
I also think you seem to be dealing with the sexual side extremely well, teenagers will have sex wether given permission or not, your daughter has been taught that intimacy should really only be in a caring loving relationship, I'd much rather my daughter have those values than a number on a birthday card!
I think it's vile and plain weird that two grown adult men find it an appropriate topic of conversation though! What's it actually got to do with them?
We've also had "friends" since our children were small and only just come to the realisation they aren't actually friends at all, hard pill to swallow, but friends don't gossip and judge each others parenting in my book!

Agree, I don't like the notion of these men discussing a 15 year old girl's sex life, at all. It just feels very wrong.

Never gossip about your children. I didn’t have anything on this scale but it still stings 30 years later and damaged my relationship with my mother.

As for how you handle it, I think I would wait until next time you're all together and then refuse to answer any questions about anything "because after last time it's clear not all of you can be trusted". Then dob DF and her DH in it as judgemental tongue-waggers.

My Dsis was in a relationship having sex at 15 and told my mum because we were all very close.

My DM was really supportive but she later spoke to her best friend who has a daughter the same age because she wanted to see how her friend would have reacted, an opinion on if it was better to let my sisters boyfriend stay over so they were safe and not having sex outside and worries about her getting pregnant.
Basically she just wanted support herself because she didn’t want to discuss it with my dad knowing he would prefer not know and she knew my Dsis didn’t want him to know.

My DM had been friends with this woman since me and my sister were babies and trusted her implicitly. My Dsis used to be friends with her daughter but grew apart when they went to different secondary schools.

My mums friend broke her trust and told her DD, her daughter told her friends and even though they were at separate schools we lived in a small town so it got back to kids in my sisters school and she was really badly bullied over it.
she got called a slag and a slut by the girls but her boyfriend was a hero with the boys.

Dsis wasn’t angry with my mum for wanting advice and a sounding board, she was however furious with her friend and so was my mum. Her friend apologised but they fell out badly.

It was nice to see how my Dsis’s boyfriend reacted, he was great and refused to discuss their private life with anyone and stuck up for her at school and even contacted DM’s friends daughter to tell her it was none of her business and he was embarrassed for her that she had nothing better to talk about. I’m not sure how many other 16 year old boys would have behaved like that!

Dsis stayed with her boyfriend and have been married 18 years with two kids, they were young to be having sex but they loved each other and have only ever loved each other since.

I don’t think it was that terrible for OP to want to advice and support from friends, the people gossiping are in the wrong in this scenario and yet most people want a chance to stick the boot into the OP as usual. I bet most people discuss their kids with friends and if it’s personal or not it’s still gossip if it’s passed on, some parents love to judge and might find it as scandalous that their friends let their kids to take a few cans of lager to a party, or play 18 games on the X box underage and gossip about it.

The real people who ABU are the men discussing a 15 year olds sex life, if my dad had heard about my friends having sex he would not have wanted to know and definitely wouldn’t have been chatting to his friends about it!

This is so true, men and their ownership of women. Its Inappropriate that the men are discussing it between them and casting judgment. It’s like something from Pride and Prejudice or Bridgerton. They’ll have having a sword fight for your daughters honour next.

I disagree that OP is the only person at fault here.

Adult men gossiping about a teenage girl’s sex life is disgusting, misogynistic and bordering on Paedophilic in my opinion. The mums were over sharing. The Dads talking about it when they weren’t even party to the initial conversation is worse.

She’s open with her friends.. The select few people she is comfortable talking to. People she has chosen to tell.

This does not give you the right to discuss it with anyone.

There has been countless personal things I’ve told my friends about myself and then my mother has went and told anyone who would listen. It is not the same.

I don’t really think this is that much different to sharing children’s medical diagnosis. It’s classed as private info or info they might want to be selective in telling people when they’re older. It sounds like you’re a really close friendship group that go way back. It’s a shame Mums can’t share info and know it’s top secret given that mothering is overwhelming & hard. We all need support, it was a small group of women that you go way back with. You weren’t gossiping at the school gates/

Yep, I remember finding out my mother had told people I'd had a miscarriage when I was in my early 20s. It was early on and nobody should have known I was pregnant, let alone miscarrying, except the people I specifically told. I was absolutely enraged at her sharing my personal, private information. It's just a dreadful betrayal of trust.

What do you mean “she knows” you discuss her sex life with your friends?
This is starting to sound quite peculiar…

It's fine to tell friends anything you like about yourself but absolutely not your children's private lives.

I can still feel the outrage and embarrassment I felt when I found out my mother had told her friends (some of them our neighbours) that I'd started my periods. I was 13 and was so furious I actually shouted at my Mum (unheard of) that she should just post a notice in the window. She couldn't see anything wrong with what she'd done until I said from now on I'm going to tell everyone that you have piles and you wax your moustache.

You were gossiping about your DD yourself. Then get in a huff when someone else does. What about your DD privacy?

I think really you are the one who shouldn't have talked about your DDs sex life. I have a group of mum friends i go out with and we have fairly open chats about various things. I often come home and speak to my husband about it and I'm sure they do too. So I wouldn't talk to them about something I didn't want others to know. Eg I didn't tell any friends my DD was autistic until she knew herself (she was diagnosed quite young and it was a good few years before we thought she'd understand).

It seems like you are more unset about what they've said rather than them knowing. But she is underage. It is illegal. So people will have all sorts of thoughts and judgements on that. I wouldn't take any notice. You are confident you have delt with things in the right way. And the other parents can be all judgey if they like, but doesn't mean they will necessarily avoid similar or other issues with their children.