AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

I could understand it if you were gaining support or insight from a close
Friend about how worried/ concerned you are about your daughter being intimate or in a relationship so young, but it sounds like this was discussed in a 'look how much my daughter has grown, I'm so proud', kind of way, which is pretty grim. I suspect there were other ways you could have reflected on your daughter's growth, other than through her sex life, especially given she's ND and possibly also struggles with over sharing.

Stop your gossiping.

People who have friends normally discuss problems with them...

You’re getting a lot of bashing for the conversation, which I don’t think is fair.

If we can’t talk to long term friends as a sounding board about some of the more delicate issues in life then something has gone very wrong with the world.

The key bit is the trust and confidentiality between the group, which seems like you’ve seen as a given and has some how gone awry.

I’d guess in that bit of :
You assumed what’s discussed in the group stays in the group.
She assumed that conversations between husband and wife are fair (as many do).
Husband didn’t clock that this is stuff you don’t pass on, she assumed that was blindingly obvious so didn’t spell it out to him.

Your plan to follow up with that message seems thoroughly sensible. And lesson learned for the future for the group, to pin down the confidentiality before getting into anything sensitive.

I hope she’s at least as embarrassed as you are

Stop your gossiping.

Stop sharing your daughter's private info. Medical, sex life, how school is, that's private.

This

💯

I would judge you. You really think a 15yo is capable of having an adult relationship. And you are ok with a child having sex? Yes I would judge and I can imagine others did too. Sorry op far too young and also no to sharing this

Going by the things my DD told me about her high school, your daughter is definitely not the exception. It’s exceedingly common.

Or why 4 women would.

The trouble is that once you tell someone you have no control of where it goes next. You thought it was ok to share, the other mother thought it was ok to share with husband maybe opening a discussion about their DD, then he thinks it's ok to discuss with his friend. Maybe nasty gossip but maybe thought provoking and discussing how they'd react with their child.

Once it's out of the box it has a life of its own. Not a bad lesson to learn and thankfully your Dd is ok with it.

I just asked my 15-year-old how she'd feel if she was the daughter in this scenario and she said she'd be livid and would never trust me with anything so personal again.

Can anyone tell me a logical reason why two men should discuss a 15-year-old girls sex life.

Yeah, it's genuinely a real betrayal for a mother to gossip to four women over drinks about her daughter's sexual behaviour like this. I am glad loads of people have pointed that out and that the OP seems to have taken it on board.

I'd be absolutely raging if I was the daughter. You are obviously calmer than me.

Jesus what an unnecessary slating you're getting OP!

My friends and I talk about all kinds of intimate things, and the conversation ALWAYS stays within our own group. How the hell are we supposed to talk through difficult topics if we can't trust the people who are supposed to care about us, and we about them?

A friend of mine has had this very conversation with our group of mates. It's a precarious issue for a mum to navigate, and all of us would cut off our arm before we broke confidence.

You have every right to be upset by such a betrayal. If a friend of mine wanted my DH to know something she can drop in and tell him herself, bloody hell!

Gossip, definition: Idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

The OP was gossiping about her daughter's personal, private affairs with four women while having a few drinks.

The OP seems to think it is a very big deal that the women she gossiped to went on to gossip to others, so clearly she does think it's a big deal that people know this.

I think the men discussing it is weird and gross, but I do wonder if they are more discussing the OPs parenting, which I have not commented on one way or the other. I am glad my daughter was not having sex at 15, as I feel that is too young to handle the complexities of a sexual relationship. And yes am quite sure of that as she is now 24 and has told me her first time details.

I would never have told a single soul if she was having sex at 15 however, not out of any shame or because it is particularly unusual, but because it would not have been my place to gossip about her, as it was not the OPs place to gossip about her daughter.

Hopefully she will not do so again.

Yuck, I wouldn't be trusting those dads around my DD.

Its clear you have accepted you were off the the mark OP by sharing this info about your DD. However I feel really uncomfortable that one of the DHs would contact another to share this info. Id be tempted to msg the friend whose DH has blabbed

”Hi, i have been made aware that the information i shared recently about DDs relationship has been shared with others by your DH. First and foremost, I realise that i have made a huge error in judgement sharing such personal information about DD, as her privacy has been breached and I am ultimately responsible for that. I am mortified that i shared this in the first place and I guess now that DD is growing up I need to put boundaries in place over what i can reasonaly share with others about my kids.

That aside, I am shocked at the nature of what your DH shared about DD. Regardless of my role in sharing this info with the group, it sits very uncomfortably with me that a grown man sees fit to let others know via text msg that my teen is sexually active. I have learnt my lesson, and I hope your DH can equally reflect on how inappropriate it is for him to pass this info around like gossip.”

"Gossip" is not a word I would use in that context about one's own daughter unless the details were salacious. All she said was that her daughter was in a grown up relationship, with trusted friends, in the context of a conversation, and she did not go into chapter and verse about it. That should not be a subject of tittle tattle for a grown man hearing it second hand, nor an opportunity to criticise parenting. Nor should it be massively surprising to anyone living in the real world that a teenager of that age might be in a sexual relationship.

Also people talk! Keep private information private .

15 year olds can’t have ‘adult’ relationships! You can’t stop someone thinking badly of a parent who thinks it’s ok for their 15 year old daughter to be having underage sex. I agree with the dads btw. It’s just a shame it got back to you. Ps lots of people will think you’re not the best parents if you think underage sex is acceptable/ allowyour child and their boyfriend to engage in a physical relationship in your home.

If you tell four people anything, no matter who they are, it is now no longer a secret. You either accept that, or you don't gossip in the first place.

And not only did she gossip to four women (over drinks) she didn't even ask them to keep it in confidence, not that they would have.

She told four women something private about her child. She has stated she won't do that again. Here's hoping that's true.

Friends she had known for many years and in context of a private conversation, not an announcement to read all about it and gossip with others.

The OP told four women while chatting over dinner.