Money stuff

She gave you something priceless (a child) and you were sneakily having conversations on how you can keep your house from her?
She paid you rent for 10 years, so you benefited from paying reduced mortgaged payments.

Seems like you want to get as much out of her as you can by throwing her frivoulous things. And she's now seen your true feelings, so how dare she now try and protect herself from you taking more from her in the future.
You've wasted her best years, she could've spent her time and built a family with a decent man.

It really comes down to are you in this relationship for the long haul or not. Because your actions are of someone who is not - still point scoring carrying the relationship and still saying you are saving for your future.

do you want to marry her - it really comes down to that for both of you. Staying in this limbo isn’t good for her and probably you.

either fully commit or get out of it now

Nah mate you’re trying to make it look like you’re the only one paying towards your house.

Why shouldn’t you have carried the relationship financially if you earned more?

She needs to fleece you, you’re abusive and nasty

Set them free, they are young enough to start again and find a decent man/father.

If this is real and not just an attempt to wind us up, the scariest part is the op saying he loves his partner and his child.
This is love?
Fuck me I'd hate to see how'd treat them if you didn't 'love' them.

This threads make me sad. I can't believe you actually think you are right here. Your poor "partner" and child. You need to end the relationship as you clearly have no intention of a future with her if these are your thoughts.

Despite what you say about wanting to "minimise" transfer of money, it's very very obvious that you want her to pay the nursery and not towards the house anyone as you've realised after you spoke to people last time that if she does she could potentially have a beneficial interest in the house.

My ex DP was the same, I didn't have as much money as him as my career stalled because I took on the lions share of child care and had to condense to 4 days at work which affected my progression.

I left him and he got angry when I went for CMS- how dare I he said, he has a mortgage to pay and it's his security don't you know.

I recommend your partner does the same. I'm much more financially secure now and have my own mortgage and own house with my child.

You let her fund maternity leave for your shared child? What a prince!

And I'd say the exact same if you were a woman and your partner was a man!

You are the bad guy. Surely you are supposed to be a family? It sounds as though she takes on all the responsibility for your joint child. You want her to contribute to the cost of running the household but in such a way that she has no claim on any of your assets. The childcare costs should be a joint responsibility as this is your child too. Why don't you want the mother of your child to have any financial security?

You do realise that there are people here who earn more than their husbands / partners! (me too at one point!) I never "carried" my husband or "treated" him to nice holidays. We just did things as a partnership. We enjoyed things together because I love him. I certainly didn't penny pinch or expect that I would build financial security whilst he struggled forever.

What date did you plan to break up with her and when were you going to let her know? Pig

WTF have I just read?! "Financially carried the relationship" 🤣 Meanwhile your partner has done everything else I bet! Absolute financial abuse. If your partner was writing her side, we would all tell her to run a mile. Disgusting. So bloody tight too which is also a very unattractive trait - making out like you were doing her a favour by not charging 'rent' whilst she was on maternity leave. Take a long hard look at yourself.

Of course you pay for half nursery fees. The child is half yours. I'm baffled by the number of men who seem to think the child is the woman's personal/expensive hobby!

Split the utilities and food, yes, you are both using this stuff. As you are partners you should consider doing this proportionately, rather than halves.

If you want her to pay "rent" on top then this could be seen as a contribution to the mortgage and she'd have an argument that she gained a beneficial interest in the house even if not in the deeds.

No wonder you backed out of the planned marriage! What a charmer. May I ask why you got engaged originally? Did you intend to marry her at that point or was it a "make her shut up" ring?

If this is the deal you should be paying all of the mortgage and half of the nursery expenses. If you want to keep the house separate you still have a duty to provide for your child.

I don't understand what you both have been doing for the last 10 years. Have you ever properly discussed finances? The time to protect your house would have been when she moved in and I think if you didn't have a mortgage then you shouldn't have taken rent. Did you discuss maternity and who thought it was ok for her to use up all her savings? Do you actually want to get married and share assets? I mean I actually don't and I have 2 kids with my DP but I guess the difference is I know we are both financially secure which your DP isn't and that is partly down to you. If you want to save the relationship why don't you say it was wrong to take rent, offer her all those payments back and the maternity savings but say when you marry you want to totally ringfence the house

So she took on all costs during maternity leave, and you think her paying full nursery costs is fair.

By this logic basically you own the house and the owns the child. So if you split she'd get full custody and you'd get all the house.

Sound stupid? That's because it is. Why should she take on all the costs of your joint child which isn't recoverable, while you build up assets.

You were looking to retain all of your assets in the event of a split and she found out. I imagine that this was shocking and extremely hurtful to your partner, a new mum, and contributed directly to your split.

Your actions were a wake up call and she realised she has no financial security with you because despite having a child together what's yours is your alone. Mate, the nature of the beast is that you share everything in a committed int term relationship. There is no "mine" and "yours". If you love her, marry her and give her and your child that security.

If you are not willing to marry her and share your money, all of it, then pay her off and let her go. Bearing in mind that if you are not generous your child will figure out who is the bad guy. It won't be hard to join the dots.

Well, if this isn't a reverse or just an angry man thread;
You, I assume, proposed marraige and she accepted.
On this basis she got pregnant with your child.
In the normal course of events this means you combine everything. Household expenses, property, childcare/expenses.
You have backtracked and she knows this. She is in a precarious position, as many women are in this world.

She had to rely on her savings to get her through maternity leave? Oh my, you are a piece of work. You don’t care about her, you care about you. The holidays and meals were things you wanted and you needed someone else to share them with you for you to get enjoyment from them. You do not have a family, you have a list of bills to pay, there is no future in this relationship because your future is your security and that is all about you. If you really loved her, then her future and security would be more of a concern, you wouldn’t want to leave her feeling financially vulnerable, I think you are prioritising money over love - and no relationship has a future when you do this - the trust is gone and without it what do you have? You’ve really messed this up - counselling might help if you are very lucky

Seeing as you are engaged to be married. I think a lot of this comes down to what’s happening with that engagement. If you are getting married it doesn’t really matter what she contributes to.

If you aren’t getting married anymore then this is another matter and perhaps the relationship has run its course.

There is an element of risk when entering a relationship in which you share children or decide to legally marry. We can’t control what people decide to do or don’t do. It sounds like you don’t trust your partner financially. So why are you both wasting the only valuable true asset (time)?

This! I'd agree with you OP if you didn't have children together. However you do so stop being such a tight arse.

She's committed to parenthood with you. Why the hell wouldn't she be concerned about her financial security? How dare you think that she should be grateful because you've paraded your wealth by providing a few luxuries and meals out?

She's the mother of your child. Put her on the deeds/mortgage and stop talking about "my future" - you're a family now. If you don't want to share your assets why did you have a baby together?

It almost feels like a transaction rship.. You won't even marry her coz you're worried how much it would cost you in the future which it shouldn't be about money. She can never earn as much as before coz she has your child to look after, unless you're going to cut down your hours to take her to nursery and then school, pick her up, give her her tea.

This rship will never work because you are putting money before your family.

Your partner is far too good for you. Why don't you think it's your responsibility to pay half towards your DC's nursery fees? Or do you think the DC is not yours? You don't see yourself and your partner as a team do you? You just think what is best for yourself. I think your partner would be better off without you. You do realise if the DC is yours you'd either have to have your DC half of the time so pay half nursery fees or if your partner has DC more frequently you'd have to pay your partner maintenance for your DC and that would be based on your salary not hers. Financially she'd be better off without you yet she stays with you presumably because she loves you. You don't act as if you like veg her and your DC though.

''I do see it as my future security'' no ''our'' future security - she is being offered nothing from you except a few meals out and the odd holiday - bravo you ! Then you want her to pay all the nursery fees too which will take virtually all her wages while you are then able to invest your money into an asset which you know gives YOU future security??