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Original poster

Help with in-laws & husbands family

44 replies

Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:10

We have been together nearly 10 years and married for 8 now and I believed I was having a good relationship with his parents, siblings and extended family but gradually over the years, that has changed.
Since having our daughter who is 3 (almost 4), his family & extended family see her about once a year even though they live 20mins - 30 minutes away at most but then are upset when our daughter is cautious around them.
I used to send his mom pictures weekly of our daughter but gave up when she just stopped responding, didn’t care for the art our daughter made for her.
Christmas presents for me have stopped (I’m not overly bothered by it) but my husband’s sister’s partners get gifts or extravagant gifts and I get a chocolate bar.
I don’t get birthday cards or any birthday wishes from any of them either but I’m the one to sort out all cards and gifts every Christmas and birthdays.
I don’t really care at this point but it worries me what we are teaching our daughter, when I’m allowing them to pick and choose when they want to be in her life even though they couldn’t give a damn about me because “they are family”. she is getting to the age where her friends and cousins talk about their other grandparents but she says she only has one (mine) because she thinks she only has one.
I want to completely cut contact with them and them to not be in our daughters life, if my husband wants to be involved with them he can, I would never stop that but even though he is angry at them for they way they treat me, he wants them to be in her life.
Opinions?
or any similar situations?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tysq2 · 27/01/2025 03:34

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 26/01/2025 22:57

Has your DH actually asked his family what the problem is OP? I think that's where you should start really, as family rifts are never pleasant.

However, if you REALLY haven't done ANYTHING to cause this, then I would be taking the advice other people have given, ie, stop doing anything to facilitate your DH keeping in contact with them, stop buying gifts or cards for him to give to them, and don't bother to remind him either. If he wants to visit, let him, and as long as you don't hear anything back from your child after a visit, then let your child go with him. If on the other hand your child comes home and says 'Nanny said you're a misery guts' or anything else that you deem to be detrimental to the relationship, then I'd be putting a stop to all visits, as grandparents should NEVER bad mouth a parent just because they have a problem with them.

It started when things changed so we started having Christmas at home as a family of 3 instead of going to theirs but would go 27th or 28th December, mother in law wasn’t allowed at the birth etc - her words are I’m stealing her son

OP posts:
Original poster
Tysq2 · 27/01/2025 03:32

paranoiaofpufflings · 26/01/2025 22:26

There's obviously a lot more to this situation than you've given us. Your husband's parents have a perfectly good relationship with their other children and their partners and children, see them and socialise regularly, but no longer with you at all even though they are only 20 minutes away.

What started this? It won't have just come out of the blue. Be honest, with yourself as much as anyone else. What would his parents say if someone else asked them about the situation?

What started it was things changed when our daughter was born. His mom wasn’t allowed at the birth, we started having Christmas dinner at ours instead of theirs- usual things that change when a baby is born. She thinks I’m stealing her son- her words to him

OP posts:
Fraaances · 26/01/2025 22:59

Stop bothering. These people are hardly grandparents of the year. Let them earn their place in YOUR family. (Or not.)

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 26/01/2025 22:57

Has your DH actually asked his family what the problem is OP? I think that's where you should start really, as family rifts are never pleasant.

However, if you REALLY haven't done ANYTHING to cause this, then I would be taking the advice other people have given, ie, stop doing anything to facilitate your DH keeping in contact with them, stop buying gifts or cards for him to give to them, and don't bother to remind him either. If he wants to visit, let him, and as long as you don't hear anything back from your child after a visit, then let your child go with him. If on the other hand your child comes home and says 'Nanny said you're a misery guts' or anything else that you deem to be detrimental to the relationship, then I'd be putting a stop to all visits, as grandparents should NEVER bad mouth a parent just because they have a problem with them.

PurpleLamb · 26/01/2025 22:49

Have you ot your DH ever asked them why they're treating you differently to other partners/grandchildren?

If this was happening by my parents, I'd be asking for some truths. And I know my DH would be the same.

Gymmum82 · 26/01/2025 22:30

Just leave everything to your husband. Presents, cards, visits, replying to messages. Everything. I guarantee you won’t even have to cut contact because he won’t arrange any. They are his family. You don’t need to make any effort at all

paranoiaofpufflings · 26/01/2025 22:26

There's obviously a lot more to this situation than you've given us. Your husband's parents have a perfectly good relationship with their other children and their partners and children, see them and socialise regularly, but no longer with you at all even though they are only 20 minutes away.

What started this? It won't have just come out of the blue. Be honest, with yourself as much as anyone else. What would his parents say if someone else asked them about the situation?

mollymazda · 26/01/2025 22:02

Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:44

when she asked for weekly photos I thought it was a bit much but then realised it was nice that she had so much interest in our daughter, especially as we don’t post her on social media but now she has no interest

Show quote history

my own DD bought us an interactive photo frame when she was expecting because they too have chosen to never show their child on social media. she sends me 3 or 4 photos a day to the frame.. just everyday photos nothing special. I love it.. i gave the link to my StepDIL (for want of a better term), and even though they also bought her mum the same frame... i still don't get photos

Original poster
Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:52

Billyblue47 · 26/01/2025 21:45

I would leave everything inlaw related up to your H. If he wants them to have cards, gifts, a photo then he can arrange it, buy it and post it. If he wants contact he can phone/ text. If he wants to take DD with him for a visit he can do her bag, pack her snack, change of clothing and take her himself. Let him take facilitate his own relationship with his family.

I think you’re right. After ready that it is like I’m only there to sort the gifts, pass on news, sort out things needed.

OP posts:
Billyblue47 · 26/01/2025 21:45

I would leave everything inlaw related up to your H. If he wants them to have cards, gifts, a photo then he can arrange it, buy it and post it. If he wants contact he can phone/ text. If he wants to take DD with him for a visit he can do her bag, pack her snack, change of clothing and take her himself. Let him take facilitate his own relationship with his family.

Original poster
Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:44

mollymazda · 26/01/2025 21:42

id love daily photos of my GC! sadly the only photos we get to see of him are the ones posted to social media. I've asked and asked and asked for photos, but sadly none are forthcoming

Show quote history

when she asked for weekly photos I thought it was a bit much but then realised it was nice that she had so much interest in our daughter, especially as we don’t post her on social media but now she has no interest

OP posts:
mollymazda · 26/01/2025 21:42

skippy67 · 26/01/2025 21:17

Weekly pics were probably a bit much...
I wouldn't bother sending them presents etc.

id love daily photos of my GC! sadly the only photos we get to see of him are the ones posted to social media. I've asked and asked and asked for photos, but sadly none are forthcoming

Original poster
Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:42

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 26/01/2025 21:14

Well I certainly wouldn't be buying & sending birthday cards & presents if they don't bother with reciprocating.

I would also support DC on the odd occasions they meet these relatives & not make them do anything that made them uncomfortable, especially hugs & kisses, which grandparents can feel entitled to.

Edited

I definitely feel like they think they are entitled to our time and all these different things because they are family despite how they treat me

OP posts:
Original poster
Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:40

skippy67 · 26/01/2025 21:17

Weekly pics were probably a bit much...
I wouldn't bother sending them presents etc.

I was told I was being unfair by not sending pictures weekly to her, I was being unfair by not telling her how she was getting on a pre school etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tysq2 · 26/01/2025 21:39

Autumn38 · 26/01/2025 21:24

I think you need to separate your justified anger at the way they are treating you and their relationship with your DD.

It’s perfectly fine for her to have a slightly distant relationship with her grandparents. My grandmother (grandfather died) wasn’t at all interested in me as a child and I used to be dressed up in my nice clothes and taken to see her for a few hours about once a year. I was expected to sit quietly whilst the adults talked. It has done me no harm at all and I’m very glad my parents never cut her off or forced me to go no contact. I would have always wondered what she was like or what our relationship could have been. This way I know exactly what she was like and I’m still glad to have known her and have that link to my ancestors etc.

But they family aren’t like it with the other siblings children and they live further away then us. They are often invited out for lunch or to the zoo and usual family activities. It is only us that isn’t included and then we find out further down the line that these outings happened.

OP posts:
Autumn38 · 26/01/2025 21:24

I think you need to separate your justified anger at the way they are treating you and their relationship with your DD.

It’s perfectly fine for her to have a slightly distant relationship with her grandparents. My grandmother (grandfather died) wasn’t at all interested in me as a child and I used to be dressed up in my nice clothes and taken to see her for a few hours about once a year. I was expected to sit quietly whilst the adults talked. It has done me no harm at all and I’m very glad my parents never cut her off or forced me to go no contact. I would have always wondered what she was like or what our relationship could have been. This way I know exactly what she was like and I’m still glad to have known her and have that link to my ancestors etc.

Vaxtable · 26/01/2025 21:17

I would step away and leave it all to your husband including contact, he goes on his own to see them )I wouldn’t subject your child to them) presents and cards done by him, with no reminder from you

skippy67 · 26/01/2025 21:17

Weekly pics were probably a bit much...
I wouldn't bother sending them presents etc.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 26/01/2025 21:14

Well I certainly wouldn't be buying & sending birthday cards & presents if they don't bother with reciprocating.

I would also support DC on the odd occasions they meet these relatives & not make them do anything that made them uncomfortable, especially hugs & kisses, which grandparents can feel entitled to.