To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

good for you OP

his siblings sound horrible and no idea why your friend is getting involved.

tbh the tasks you've described sound like ones PIL could mainly do themselves - they don't need amazing mobility to sort through paperwork. They should be doing most of it themselves and then at most your DH can dispose of the stuff they don't need and the absent siblings should pay for a skip and a packing company to do the rest.

BTW when they do move I'd recommend looking into a company that does all the packing as well rather than expecting your DH to do everything again - there was a thread on here the other week and the prices were a lot more reasonable than I would have thought.

Well done OP for having clear boundaries & and supportive DH. The only thing I might do is to help your DH out by doing more of a share of his house chores if needed, that then in turn supports him. However is parents & siblings need to sort this, as others have suggested they need to buy in help.

I see my post suggesting that you get your own back on your in-laws by refusing to help now they're old and vulnerable, has been deleted.

Who knew that all you had to do to get a post removed was to hold an unpopular opinion?

The siblings need to share the load between them. It's not your responsibility. They want you to do it so they don't have to. Its their parents. I tell CF to Foff. They want you to take A/L because they think your job isn't as important as theirs. Piss taker. To deal with there parents shit. And your "friend" if she's so invested she's welcome to their address and can role her sleeves up.

I love my inlaws. I go to clean for FIL. Although, he has 6 adult children 2 of which live with him. I won't be clearing out his house because he has 6 Fing adult kids. I have however promised to make sure his and MIL grave has enough soil on it and isn't dipping in the middle. FIL was very anxious about it and I promised I will do it to ease his worry.

You know what they say. You reap what you sow. They can't expect to treat you the way they have for years.. But then expect you to drop things and come running the minute they need help. This is on their adult DC to sort out no you.

YANBU in any way.
His siblings are being unreasonable. I suggest they club together and employ someone to do the chores that would otherwise fall to them.
You owe your in laws nothing. They’re not going to automatically become nice because they’re old.

It’s not your drama. All their shit is just that, their shit.
They can throw some money at their predicament and sort it out. Step back from it all.

I am willing to bet that the "friend" absolutely takes the piss when it comes to making unreasonable demands of her female relations and is very uncomfortable to have this obliquely pointed out to her.

It is baffling isn't it. I can't get my head round it, I'd love to know their reasoning.

Text to tell your BIL/SIL these are not your parents and please direct their request for help to the appropriate person, their brother. Then block them. Your friend is being unnecessarily harsh, does she have some sort of daddy/mummy issues and in turn projecting them on your situation?

They are bullies.

One lives abroad and the other thinks they are too important to help.

I’d be sending them a message saying; YOUR parents are YOUR responsibility. It’s up to you to sort out, not me. As you’ve demonstrated to me over the years, I’m not family. Bye.

No one is under an obligation to 'step up' to help out older people who have been horrible to them for 30 years, despite being married to their son and the mother of their grandchildren. If older people don't take responsibility for their own affairs and make some plans, that is no one else's fault or responsibility (barring illness, etc). They can pay a company to organise their affairs instead. Absolutely no reason why those with two X chromosomes should be the ones to step up either.

Seems odd that the siblings partners aren't expected to help. Maybe your husband could ask why you are being singled out.

That's what leapt out to me, too. Why does GP sibling expect you to help when their partner isn't helping?

I hope your DH is asking that.

“His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'”

Why should you be as involved as they are - they’re not your parents!? This would be a piss take of an attitude in itself, but saying this to someone who doesn’t have a relationship with them beggars belief! . I assume these siblings know how your PIL have been with you through the years?

As for suggesting you take unpaid leave, what an absolute joke! I think I’d be tempted to reply with a swift ‘Absolutely the fuck not’

istheheatingonyet · Today 20:43

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · Today 20:25
No.
Fuck them.
They can enjoy now the consequences of treating you like shit for decades

It can become slighty more complicated when they become very very old.
I have been through this 4 times. The old person did not take responsibility and plan. We ( women) are expected to step up.
Trouble is, we are also old

why? People can “expect” whatever they like. I shan’t be caring for elderly relatives.

It can become slighty more complicated when they become very very old.
I have been through this 4 times. The old person did not take responsibility and plan. We ( women) are expected to step up.

Trouble is, we are also old.

No....they all can take leave and the gp has 3 days a week spare....do they have partners?

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your husband supports you. His siblings can sod off.

Not unreasonable at all.

I won't be dealing with my inlaws either. DH is an adult, he's more than capable of dealing with all the things his aging parents might require.

YANBU at all @Splendud
Why should you help a couple who have consistently been awful to you and made no effort at all to welcome you into their family? You reap what you sow. The siblings sound awful too. Luckily, your DH sounds lovely and very loyal.
The most sensible option would be for your in laws to pay a firm to do a clearance and pack up their things. It sounds as if they were encouraged to downsize for many years when they were younger and fitter but they didn't listen nor start to reduce their possessions and now they expect to have it all sorted out for them. This behaviour in itself is selfish and entitled, never mind expecting you to do everything when they have always been horrible.

The OP states she has blocked the lot of them.

YANBU.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

Your 'friend' doesn't sound like a true one - don't give it a second thought.

OMG. These people are insane. You have a senior and demanding job and you are also a trustee and I know how much work that is.
And the 4 day a week GP wants you to do more for THEIR parent?
Fuck. That. Shit
So glad your DH is supporting you. These people are mental though. What do they think you are , their dogsbody?

One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

That is not a friend. I'm shocked the siblings and FIL have the audacity to think you should even be involved. They're massive CF's - don't feel guilty.

Cheering you for blocking the siblings, cheeky fuckers! I’m afraid bar two flying visits where I basically chucked out bags full of my dad’s stuff, mum was left alone to clear out 35 years of stuff when she downsized. I live 5 hours away and work full time, what was I supposed to do?

I absolutely agree that you owe the in-laws fuck all. Why can’t the grandkids help, assuming they’re adults?