To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

It is SO good to read of a female who refuses to submit to this sort of pressure, well done OP! Also, kudos for your DH for backing you.

I'd tell the GP that they are their parents, and to pull their finger out and do the right thing by them, rather than expecting me to help when they haven't even been civil to you for all that time, and the one who's abroad would be told what I thought of them too. In all honesty, there are a lot of people who clear off abroad to 'live their own lives' without a thought for their parents, and then expect their siblings to pick up all the care, and work involved as they get older, because it's too difficult for them to get back, and yet suddenly when there's an inheritance to be had, they manage to get a flight back for the funeral (and of course the reading of the Will!)

Good for you. Chapeau!

So glad you’ve blocked them all. Ridiculous men dishing out tasks and judgement to a woman. Good that your DH is supportive.

Keep them blocked. Your DH may want mute his siblings for a while, too.

OP, even if you didn't work, had all your time free, it's your time.
Their nasty behaviour means they do not deserve your time. You know this, your DH knows this. Even his siblings know this but they want to pressure you as they know you are a nicer person than their parents and they want you to cave in to their unreasonable demands.
The answer is: no.

I would point out to the friend that you are indirectly helping because you're freeing up your DH to support his parents by picking up more at home.

I would say you could point this out to the siblings too but honestly, fuck that. Far better just to block them, as you have done. Also, they'd probably expect you to be doing more at home anyway, judging by their comments.

I'd probably also be telling your "friend" that she might want to check her internalised misogyny. It's not a woman's job to help out people who have been absolute fuckers to her over the course of decades.

I think it would be really easy to have been suckered into helping out, given the emotive circumstances so fair play to you for asserting your boundaries. And bloody marvellous that you've got a decent, supportive DH.

I think some people just see it as - you’re being mean to old people & they can’t see beyond that.

Yes..Imagine if the wrong thing was chucked out!
A 'brass' oriental bell was on a friend of my brother's parent's dresser for donkeys years.

~Sort of thing you'd put on a wall or give to a charity shop.

Someone recognised it for what it was., an Imperial Chinese temple bell.

It was sold for tens of thousands of pounds. {A relative of theirs had bought it in China in around 1900}

This isn't the one, but a similar one..

Even if your PiLs were the loveliest people in the world, you can only spin so many plates at once OP. You've got a full time job, charitable commitments, a health issue and by UK standards, at three hours each way, you aren't local. Any support you can feasibly give could only be to your DH, so focus on what helps him and keeps the house ticking over for both of you and any DC you have at home. Keep blocks on your PiL and even more to the point, their selfish progeny. They should be working out how to help their parents downsize, instead of sending you things to do. You're not their personal Cinderella. And re-evaluate your relationship with your friend. No-one who cared about you would want you to run yourself ragged, especially for people who've never treated you well.

That should be "the most".

Good for you!

Why don’t you suggest that the other two siblings pay for a professional decluttering/removal service? Just being busy/at a distance doesn’t meant they can’t help imo.

I'm not surprised. MN is very uneven in its moderation these days. They let most egregious shit stand then get all sensitive out of the blue.

Your opinion is often voiced on MN - usually within the context of not GPs not offering childcare - so it will be interesting to see further deletions when they turn up. I won't be holding my breath.

I think I would just mute their messages and stop replying. Why are they pestering you, rather than DH?

Nope, you are not being unreasonable

If fact your husbands siblings are being wildly unreasonable in suggesting you take a financial hit and look after their parents - f* them! Their parents, they take the unpaid leave and do the work.

As for your friends - they don't know the full details of what's gone over the last 30 years but should support you & your husband not the toxic in-laws and siblings.

Your only responsibility in this scenario is to support your husband as he supports them because it isn’t easy.

@NotThisYearThx sums it up perfectly, your only responsibility is to support to your DH. The sibling abroad is cheeky, because they could take some leave and come over for a couple of weeks to help their parents get sorted out. I live abroad and that's what I did when my elderly Dad moved two years ago.
Same with the GP sibling, why don't they take a week off?

My DH supports me to help my Dad, but he doesn't get too involved. His parents don't need much help yet, but I'll expect him and his siblings to do the bulk of it.

I would say you're doing plenty to shoulder the burden by picking up the slack at home while dh is gone for days to help his parents

OP I would leave the parents attitude towards you out of conversations with the siblings, not because you are wrong but simply because they are unlikely to see things your way when it comes to their parents.

If you haven’t already I would calmly communicate what you have said here - the level of demand from your job & trustee work and your health condition. Also point out that you in fact helping by facilitating your husband doing it.

This is a failure by the parents to make a plan for themselves and possibly to some degree a failure by the children. Did the GP not foresee that the parents would struggle at some point? Surely she/he deals with the elderly daily?

The bit about the child living abroad really triggers me as I find it infuriating that those who do nothing feel entitled to express an opinion on what those who are actually doing something do.

Extra helps needs to come from the other two children, or they need to pay professionals - cleaners, movers, the local teenagers whoever to do it.

Find some new friends, she clearly isn’t thinking of your well-being

I'm so pleased you are standing your ground.

I think in just blocking them you have been a positive delight I would have told GP sibling to fuck off.

Your DH sounds great.

MIL tolerates me, deep down I think she is just a bit prejudice. I’m mixed race. I have made it very plain I will do zero caring duties or sort anything out.

You husband understands where you're coming from and supports your decision. That's the only person who matters.

His siblings want you to shoulder the burden they should be sharing instead of of leaving your husband to do it all. They could take leave to do it but they don't want to. They're selfish.

Caregiving is an extremely hard task and trying to bully someone else into doing it is nasty behaviour. Good on you for blocking them. If your friend knows how they treated you but still says she's rethinking your friendship because you won't stop your life to be a caregiver for people that have been shitty to you, then she's not a friend.

Are the inlaws hoarders?

I also second the idea of hiring house clearers. I'm clearing out my home so if anything happens the kids won't have much to do.

YANBU

Has anybody thought of just calling a house clearance company? We did this when a relative went into a home.We just took important documents and the clothes they wore away first. Yes maybe we lost something important but life is too short.
Really if they have hoarded all this time they are very unlikely just to let go of enough stuff.
This is a lesson to everyone not to hang on to loads of stuff beyond your mid 7Os.
Surely you don’t want your kids to clear it away.

Stick to your guns. You don't need to be there.
Maybe send a zucchini bake with DH, or a cake once or twice while they are going through boxes.
If I were you I would also do any task that my DH thought I could do that didn't impact my life unduly - such as dropping a bag of things into the thrift shop near work.

I would also definitely ask your kids to help out. They could find the whole process interesting and they might value seeing historical items etc Them, being young and fit, will process the boxes more quickly and with less sentimental attachment.
They could be good company for DH too.

I'm going to have this with my own parents in a few years

All my life,I've been the scapegoat and treated like shit-the stories I could tell but I don't think anyone would believe parents could do that to their own dd

I walked away from them about 13 years ago-fully nc and I moved 140 miles away

My dp has never met them,and I determined he never will

However,they are starting to fail with their health and its been made very clear (via the flying monkeys) that I will be expected to give up my life and care for them if it ever gets to the point they need care (because I'm the only female out of us siblings and women are only fit to mop up piss and wipe arses apparently)

They can go and whistle-the golden boys can do it and if they won't,there are 3 wives/girlfriends that are female and can do it (they won't pay for a carer as that would cost money and I'd rather lose everything I own than pay a penny)

I want nothing to do with any of them-that boundary is firm-they treated me like shite all my life,are still joyfully doing their smear campaign and wouldn't spit on me if I caught fire in the street so I won't be giving a moment or a penny towards their care

You reap what you sow-however if my darling mil needs care at any point in her life,I'd give her my all and I'd do it in a heartbeat

But saying that,she treats me like her own dd and we adore each other

Good for you OP.

Tell them you’re happy to help but your contribution will be paying for a skip in their front garden and chucking it all out…

They do not deserve your support now after years of mistreating you and the main person to care about is your DH, who understands.

Your “friend” sounds unhinged btw.

You do you. They had their chance at being decent.

Ignore the naysayers. Not your parents, not your problem