To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

I agree with this.

There are few things that unsettle people (men and women) more than a woman who is not 'womaning' properly...

I meant it completely literally. It would be a nice thing to do. But I don't think there is any obligation.

I used nice rather than reasonable / expected / logical - because it's none of those things.

I bet the "friends" are reacting this way because in her friendship group, OP is always there when friends need help (probably more than vice versa), and now they're just horrified at the notion that she might ever say no to anyone. Friends can be weird when someone bucks the accepted dynamic between them (as anyone who's ever gone from being The Fat One to not fat will know well).

Even if you had a fab relationship with them, I would say it is their own children's responsibility to sort them out at this stage of life, so while it would be a massive bonus to them if you were willing to help out, it should in no way be expected.

I'm surprised at your friends though, are they privvy to more information that would make them react that way, surely if they know you and know your relationship with them, none of this should be a shock to them, so their response seems a bit extreme to say the least.

Why do you think they've reacted that way?

@Tarantella6 "It would be nice if you took on some more of the load in your house, to support your DH while he sorts out his parents."

I hope you didn't mean that to sound so patronising.

Your husband understands why you shouldn't become a carer for people who dislike you and have their own 3 children to help
So ignore everyone else

It can become slighty more complicated when they become very very old.
I have been through this 4 times. The old person did not take responsibility and plan. We ( women) are expected to step up.

Trouble is, we are also old.

Stick to your guns. You don't need to be there.
Maybe send a zucchini bake with DH, or a cake once or twice while they are going through boxes.
If I were you I would also do any task that my DH thought I could do that didn't impact my life unduly - such as dropping a bag of things into the thrift shop near work.

I would also definitely ask your kids to help out. They could find the whole process interesting and they might value seeing historical items etc Them, being young and fit, will process the boxes more quickly and with less sentimental attachment.
They could be good company for DH too.

I see my post suggesting that you get your own back on your in-laws by refusing to help now they're old and vulnerable, has been deleted.

Who knew that all you had to do to get a post removed was to hold an unpopular opinion?

This is not just about the in laws. The siblings ordering the op around while their own partners don’t help… I would be blocking them too.

Your only responsibility in this scenario is to support your husband as he supports them because it isn’t easy. Fuck would I be helping anyone who doesn’t like me, hasn’t accepted me or anyone entitled enough to be sending me ‘chores’ to do.