To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

What a very healthy thread. It's been over 2 pages with not a single "But they're old!" People who have always been nasty should have thought about that before they got to the age of needing help - and it's not as if they haven't got help, it's just that they want to co-opt the despised DIL as well.

(For the avoidance of doubt, I'm not being sarcastic. I agree 100% with the replies to date, i.e. support your DH if he wants/needs but not his unpleasant parents directly, and his siblings can push off 'n' all. But there's always at least one who seems to think "but they're old" is an answer to everything! It really isn't.)

I think if you did start to do these jobs you would end up being blamed when things go pear shaped "the movers @Splendud chose stole our jewellery. Oh the neighbours in the flat @Splendud chose are so loud! Oh our photo albums got lost in the move because @Splendud just got rid of things without asking us..."

I think leave your DH or his siblings to do the jobs. If noone has time, there are plenty of professional declutterers/personal organisers that (for a fee) could help them sort through 50 years of documents, keepsakes and trinkets.

@Splendud even if the siblings wives or husbands are helping, I am sure that does not give them the right to dictate to you that you help. your husband, thankfully, knows the story!! as for your friend, did you never tell her what the out laws were like with you?? you have enough going on in your life!

I agree! 100%! ⬆️

What? No, obviously you are not obligated to help them. I am very glad to hear your DH is so understanding - that's all that matters. I think you can help by supporting HIM as best you can as he does what he feels he should to help them.

When my Mum died and my Dad moved, necessitating a major house clearance, my DH wasn't involved at all. And he got on fine with my parents, weekly meals together etc. It just wasn't his job! He helped me by looking after our DC.

I’d be telling by the other siblings to step up and care for their own parents. They can take unpaid leave and sort everything out as their parents are their responsibility - not yours.

I would unblock to send these messages and then immediately reblock. Then give this issue no further thought.

By all means support your DH in any way you like but don’t feel any sense of obligation to help out people who have been unkind to you.

It would be nice if you took on some more of the load in your house, to support your DH while he sorts out his parents.

If you do find yourself in conversation I'd just say given how much they dislike you, it has been assumed you're the last person they'd want going through their stuff.

You are 100% right to pull away and don't let them manipulate you.

They are stupid for treating you with disdain and let them ' reap the consequences of their prejudice '.

You are not a mat for them to wipe their feet on when ever they feel like it.

You have good judgement, good on you for not falling for their BS and good on your DH for supporting you.

Stand your ground, keep them blocked and just carry on as before.

👍🌟😀

You are not being unreasonable and if I were you I would re-evaluate your friendship with that friend.

Would they be pressuring you this way if you were male?

I don't think it is about 'reaping what you sow'. Ignore how your PILs treated you, that's neither here nor there.

The bottom line is that they have dc, and it is their dc's responsibility to work out the balanced of care between them. Your responsibility is to support and love and care for your dh. If he has a greater load at times then you may have do more at home in your own family.

Perhaps you have particular skills - cooking, therapy, a professional knowledge of some aspect of care - and you may choose to offer this to support the wider family. But you CHOOSE to offer this as an addition. However valuable your skill is your dh's family cannot commandeer your time.

They are utter cheeky fuckers. Your PIL and THEIR children need to sort this , no one else.

How dare they try and guilt trip you for their own self of self importance.

Good for you for sticking to your guns. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

yanbu

I'm not sure why your friends are so judgemental. Surely they know how awful your in-laws have been to you? You have an important and responsible job so why on earth would they agree with DH's siblings that you are the one who should take unpaid leave to care for people who have never cared for you?

I'd take a step back from them.

Your husband understands why and that’s the most important

there is no reason the one who lives abroad can’t take leave, including unpaid, to help

There is no reason the GP can’t help there are 7 days in a week and they work 4. What about the GPs partner? Or the partner if the one who lived abroad. Maybe your husband can challenge them

As to your friend I would simply go back and say they don’t have the full story, but if they feel they can’t be friends with you then that’s their choice and I would block them. You don’t need friends like her either

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'.

Cheeky gits. I cannot imagine texting my SIL to ask this!

Does the GP sibling have a spouse? Are they male..?

Even if you were a SAHM you don't owe these people anything. And if your friend can't tolerate people without judging them what kind of friend is she. Take a deep breath, you are good.

Definitely NOT being unreasonable, and I'm glad your DH is fully backing you!

What a bloody cheek! Maybe the one abroad could take some weeks unpaid and come over to help. Has the GP offered up their spouse to help too?

Well done for blocking the cheeky fuckers. I'd probably save the 'friend' the dilemma and cut them off too. How dare they think you should be helping when the ILs have never liked you and you have such a busy life (not to mention they aren't your parents!)

I won’t be helping my inlaws if they outlive me as who knows , most not-good people live longer in my experience. They have never done anything remotely helpful, in fact the total opposite! One is a raging , aggressive alcoholic and regularly caused problems for us … yup even when we had 3 dcs under 6 they expected us to wait on them hand and foot and actually causes work -both of them.. they peed the bed , broke things in our house all while we had small kids to look after … yes really.
One gave us money for a house deposit and made a big show of how they were doing it and proceeded to ask for it all back putting us under huge financial strain when we were bringing up young kids , we paid it all back in full but they still had their moment of telling everyone they had “given it to us”… they never told anyone that they got it all paid back!
They have been nothing but work and antagonism over the years and I’ve distanced myself from them . I hate when people judge others for not helping out older parents, they have no idea what might have happened in our or others lives… like do other people not get that.

Your friends are not great supports are they? Well done for blocking the CFs.

One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.
meaning she thinks you're not as socialised to be a people pleaser or a door mat as she had thought. Good! well done for blocking the lot of them, they reap as had sown.

Thank goodness your DH supports you. Good for you sticking to your guns in not helping. If the GP works 4 days, they have 3 days a week to help.

It's very strange the burden of care almost always gets forced on to the females of the family, even if they are in-laws.

I love both my PILs dearly and when they are older yes I will help in practical terms. I will move furniture and set up their TVs or whatever. But I won't be doing any personal care. That will fall to my wife and her sister. I'll happily pay towards that care if it needs to be outsourced.

I do not expect my wife to do anything for my mother when the time comes. I have 3 siblings, all within an hour of home so we will sort it out between us.

OP in your situation I would say YANBU. Just drop the rope, tell your DH it's up to him and his siblings to sort it like every other family does. I'd be livid if my in laws were sending me demanding texts while they sat on their arse. Its a hard no from me.