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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

358 replies

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 26/01/2025 19:50

YANBU

TheGlitterFairy · 26/01/2025 19:50

Yeah f*ck that. I wouldn’t be helping them in your position either. Not your monkeys not your circus. Your friend doesn’t sound v friendly so bugger them too

FoxtonFoxton · 26/01/2025 19:50

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You can be old, vulnerable and a massive cunt. Becoming frail doesn't mean you suddenly get a free pass for all the shit you've dealt out when you were younger. They have three children who can deal with their overcrowded house.

WorkWorry0 · 26/01/2025 19:48

Good for you!

I’m really impressed with your clear-headed thinking. Stick to your guns.

Pipsquiggle · 26/01/2025 19:47

Your stance sounds reasonable to me.

Re. The house clearance, DH's parents should take what they need and items that they want that can fit in their new gaff.

The siblings should then take what they would like, then get a house clearance company in if it's that much stuff.

HellofromJohnCraven · 26/01/2025 19:47

Sod that.
Tackling my parents in laws house was tough. And they adored me, me them and dh had 3 siblings all willing to help.
I have sibs in law who are hoarders
Me and dh are the youngest by a decade. I am clear that the only help they will get is a phone call to a specialist house clearing and cleaning team.
My dmum has already done her death cleaning!

laraitopbanana · 26/01/2025 19:47

Nope.

Well done!

you can be awful to others and you know what? That will come back and bite your ass. You weren’t good enough for your husband and now you still aren’t good enough to rest and be left alone…no, it is your job to take care of what others much more important than you don’t want to do.

let them all blocked. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If they ever apologize…thanks for this and no, still not helping for now because you are busy.

Good luck 🌺

Anniegetyourgun · 26/01/2025 19:46

QuimCarrey · 26/01/2025 19:45

There's always one.

Show quote history

Yep.

DwarfPalmetto · 26/01/2025 19:46

Congrats @Splendud on a unanimous AIBU

QuimCarrey · 26/01/2025 19:45

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There's always one.

Original poster
Splendud · 26/01/2025 19:44

Thank you for the replies so far. My DH is lovely, he has always supported me with regards to them.

He is helping them a lot and I am picking up the slack at home (we share the housework load 50/50 usually). He has spent the whole weekend sorting through their stuff and has taken 4 car loads of stuff to the Charity shop / tip since Friday. The inlaws live 3 hours away and he has just got home completely knackered.

The siblings are a brother and sister and their partners aren't helping either. The abroad one is regularly back in the UK for consultancy work and to see their children who study over here.

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 26/01/2025 19:43

Good for you. You see women on here ALL the time being absolutely shit on by the their inlaws and just taking it. It's nice to see someone actually refusing and blocking and not having it. They are reaping what they've sown. The siblings can all group together and pay for someone to go through it all and organise/skip it all. Not your problem.

monsterfish · 26/01/2025 19:43

YANBU - the siblings sound very much like your in-laws and expect you to revolve your life around this family. Assume the one living abroad is not coming over to help them out so no reason for you to. They are just all bullies.

great your DH has your back here.

arcticpandas · 26/01/2025 19:43

YANBU!! Your DH and his siblings can deal with his parents. Not your job. If you had a good relationship with them I'm sure you would have helped them. They can pay someone to help them if they are too busy. You reap what you saw...

aprayeratatime · 26/01/2025 19:43

You have very reasonable attitude. I find his siblings attitudes really commanding to you and thinking you owe them something. Let them take unpaid leave and come back to the UK

Hollietree · 26/01/2025 19:43

What are the gender of DH’s two siblings? I have a horrible feeling that they are both male and thus expect you to be doing all the caring duties of their parents due to you being female??

regardless of anyone’s gender - the three children of your in-laws should be doing all the work involved in their downsizing and care…… and then if their jobs are “too important” then they should be paying for the help needed.

Confusedasper · 26/01/2025 19:41

Re-evaluating your friendship? 😂😂 tell her not to worry, the friendship is terminated.

Jeez I don't know how those friends think your AIBU..why on earth would you bend over backwards and spin more plates to people that don't even like you? 😂😂 that's crazy.

Can't believe the cheek of their own children refusing and trying to force you into it, with the your jobs not as important card 😂 good grief. I couldn't imagine being that entitledly cheeky enough to even think it.
Tell the GP not to worry she/he can get a doctors note :)

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/01/2025 19:41

Stay well clear. Also, if you did help in any way, with this type of scenario no good deed goes unpunished.
The next stage is when you get accused of stealing things from the home to benefit from.
So many people get pulled into these situations and it often does not end well.
Bless your DH it’s an awful task but they are his parents. And they sound absolutely awful!

JustMyView13 · 26/01/2025 19:41

The fact that your husband, the person who has seen everything first hand, backs you - this says to me everything you need to know. If, having supported you this far, he then turns and asks for help, fair play I would help him because I’d be doing it for HIM. Nobody else.
And given he’s backed you this far, you can safely say your DH will not ask any help from you, unless or until he gets desperate.

The SIL’s can foxtrot Oscar.
And I did chuckle at the GP working 4 days but wanting you to take unpaid leave. What are they doing with the other 3 they have each week!?

Keep them blocked, for your own sanity.

harriethoyle · 26/01/2025 19:40

Good for you - and glad your DH is on board too

AGovernmentOfLawsNotOfMen · 26/01/2025 19:40

Your dh and his siblings should be dealing with the clearance.
I don’t understand the pressure on you irrespective of the past.

Your dh is on board so …….. job done

izimbra · 26/01/2025 19:39

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MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 26/01/2025 19:38

heldinadream · Today 19:07

Are the siblings male, by any chance?

I wondered this.

Your DH is happy, that's all that counts

Edited to say, all that counts in this situation. No one should be pressured to become carers for anyone

EdithStourton · 26/01/2025 19:37

YANBU.
The siblings can step up. People who don't like you have no right to expect anything of you.

As for your cheeky-arse friend... I think the one reevaluating that friendship should be you!

DwarfPalmetto · 26/01/2025 19:36

YANBU your only role in all this is to support your dh. I would have blocked the siblings as well.