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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

358 replies

Splendud · 26/01/2025 18:58

DH and I have been married for 29 years this year. MIL and FIL have just about tolerated me all that time but there have been snide comments fairly regularly about my weight, about my career 'impacting DH' (it doesn't) and how DH's life would have been different had he gone to their choice of university (ie he wouldn't have married me).

FIL and MIL are now well into their 80s. FIL is in poor health and MIL is losing her sight. They have resisted downsizing for years and are now struggling with a large detached house which has a 100ft garden is 2 miles away from shops and cannot easily be adapted for the needs of an ageing couple. There is now a desperate rush to downsize to a flat nearer to shops, GP etc. because of the impending sight loss and both of them losing their driving licenses.

They have a huge amount of stuff which needs sorting out in order to move. We're talking thousands of books, documentation for cars they sold in the 1980s, so much stuff!

DH has two siblings, one lives abroad and the other is a GP working 4 days a week.

I have said I am not helping with this. They are not my parents and they have never welcomed me into their family. DH is happy with this and has had numerous conversations with them over the years about their attitude to me so none of this is news to them. I am in a senior role with a team of over 100 reporting through to me. I regularly work 8-6.30. I'm also a trustee for two charities including a food bank and I have a long term health condition. My life is busy enough as it is.

His siblings are very unhappy that i am not as involved as they are and think I should be doing more. The one who lives abroad thinks I should help because I am nearer and the GP sibling thinks that my job is less important and I should 'just take unpaid leave'. I am being bombarded by messages from the siblings giving me 'jobs' to do and calls from FIL demanding to know why I am not coming every weekend.

I have blocked them all tonight. DH is aware and supports me.

Two friends, however, think I am being really harsh. One has said that she is re-evaluating our friendship as she has never seen this side of me and has always thought I was better than this.

AIBU...or am I a mean and horrible DIL?

OP posts:
viques · 26/01/2025 20:26

Abroad sibling can take a bit of leave and fly over for a week, and during that week the four day a week working gp can chip in with three days .

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/01/2025 20:25

No.
Fuck them.
They can enjoy now the consequences of treating you like shit for decades

Starlight7080 · 26/01/2025 20:24

It sounds like the two siblings are trying to pass the responsibility on to you. So they don't have to feel guilty for being useless at helping.
You don't owe any of them anything.
And you sound busy enough .
Not that you have to justify why you are not getting involved.

midnights92 · 26/01/2025 20:23

Of course YNBU. In the circumstances it would be good to take on a bit more of the load at home so that your husband has the bandwidth to get this done, which is still you helping. The difference is you're supporting your husband of 3 decades and not this miserable pair.

As for the GP sibling; I also have a senior role and married into a medical family. Medics are honestly so insulated I don't think they can really grasp other professions also involve a degree of required hours over the 9-5 and real world responsibility. Let them believe it if they want to, it doesn't change things.

ABunchOfBadBitches · 26/01/2025 20:22

MostlyHappyMummy · 26/01/2025 19:02

Your husband understands why you shouldn't become a carer for people who dislike you and have their own 3 children to help
So ignore everyone else

Exactly

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2025 20:22

Good for you OP. Save your ex friend a job and tell her she’s no longer in your life.

TheignT · 26/01/2025 20:20

Can they afford to pay for help? I'm pretty sure there are people who will organise things. Wouldn't that be easier for everyone?

I absolutely understand you not wanting to help them on the other hand I would probably want to help DH if I had the time/energy.

Just seen your update, you are helping DH by taking up the slack at home so that seems a good middle way, you are helping him but on your terms.

Seems odd that the siblings partners aren't expected to help. Maybe your husband could ask why you are being singled out.

Spitalfieldrose · 26/01/2025 20:20

I have similar in laws, and I will not be lifting a finger. Carry on as you are YANBU

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 26/01/2025 20:19

YANBU. Why are DH's siblings looking to you not him?

AngelicKaty · 26/01/2025 20:19

For TWENTY-NINE years they haven't accepted you as family and now they need some unpaid help sharpish' they and your DH's siblings think you should step up? NO F*CKING WAY! I'm so glad your lovely DH has your back on this OP, and you know you can/should stick to your decision not to get involved.
Oh, and I would tell your friend you're rethinking your friendship with her! A friend who doesn't understand or support you in not wanting to roll over for in-laws who've treated you like crap for almost three decades, isn't a real friend.

Codlingmoths · 26/01/2025 20:19

This is not just about the in laws. The siblings ordering the op around while their own partners don’t help… I would be blocking them too.

JandamiHash · 26/01/2025 20:17

Good for you OP. I wish more women took a stand regarding outrageous caring demands

Lara1978o · 26/01/2025 20:16

Nope ignore. Block if you need to.

My MIL is an horrible cow and her health is in poor condition and now has nobody there for her as she has alienated her daughter and all of her DIL’s.

She is now increasingly putting on my DH and his brothers and none of their spouses are getting involved as she has treated us so awfully over the years. I’ve blocked her as I cba with the phone calls. You reap what you sow IMO.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 26/01/2025 20:16

Your priority is your DH. If he is happy, no one else gets to have an opinion. Tell them to speak to DH and you wont be discussing it any further.

MrsPeregrine · 26/01/2025 20:15

You aren’t doing anything wrong OP. I cut contact with my in-laws for exactly the same reason. My SIL had the nerve to text and berate us for not visiting my mil’s partner while my mil was away visiting a friend in wales a few years ago. Mil had an affair with this man 20+ years ago which led to my husband’s actual dad trying to end his own life. The partner has always been rude to us and we can’t stand him. And she’s been awful to me. You reap what you sow.

Lovethatforyouhun · 26/01/2025 20:14

These friends have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Block them too. Siblings are hypocritical and selfish.
Being a carer is a huge commitment physically and mentally. Not one you should undertake for those who do not show you respect.

bellabasset · 26/01/2025 20:14

Have you seen the show Travelling auctioneers who go through the house with people downsizing and list items for auction estimating the value. Have a look on catch up. It would mean that noone in the family would have to be involved. Of course there are auction fees to pay. I wonder if something like that might be an option.Then if anyone wanted something they could buy it before the auction

Winter2020 · 26/01/2025 20:14

Splendud · 26/01/2025 19:44

Thank you for the replies so far. My DH is lovely, he has always supported me with regards to them.

He is helping them a lot and I am picking up the slack at home (we share the housework load 50/50 usually). He has spent the whole weekend sorting through their stuff and has taken 4 car loads of stuff to the Charity shop / tip since Friday. The inlaws live 3 hours away and he has just got home completely knackered.

The siblings are a brother and sister and their partners aren't helping either. The abroad one is regularly back in the UK for consultancy work and to see their children who study over here.

Your in-laws should just take what they want, the kids then take what they want, then the in-laws pay for a house clearance. Your husband shouldn’t drive 3 hours to faff about with old books and charity shops.

Discombobble · 26/01/2025 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Feel better for that?

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 26/01/2025 20:12

Well done OP.

I can't believe that these people have been unkind to you and about you for 30 years and now they expect you to drop everything and help them?? And as for the siblings, tell them to fuck off and when they get there, to fuck off some more etc. etc.

Champion cheeky fuckers!!

Octavia64 · 26/01/2025 20:11

Absolutely,

I was about to post telling you to block them and then I saw you have.

Great decision!

Kitchensinktoday · 26/01/2025 20:11

YANBU

Ellie1015 · 26/01/2025 20:11

Even if they were the loveliest inlaws why would you take unpaid leave but their own children dont??

Yanbu. Glad dh understands. Your friend is far too judgy or a mug. If you werent working and volunteering then i might help despite them being unfriendly. But that is not the case so not relevent at all.

NewHeaven · 26/01/2025 20:08

https://www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods/book-furniture-collection-near-me

You're well within your rights to tell them to fuck off, they're absolutely shameless in asking you to help them. Your dh can give them the details of the British Heart foundation collection service. Leave them to it.

Book a free collection

Free and fast collection of your items. Donate your furniture and electrical items to charity and help us fund our life saving research.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods/book-furniture-collection-near-me

ThermoDaze · 26/01/2025 20:08

YANBU

Known my in laws for 30 years now. They never encouraged a close relationship. Made me feel like a second class visitor in their house, not 'proper family'.

And recently I've really felt sidelined. Photo albums stripped and only 'proper family' pictures kept. The kids commented I'm never in family videos. So it clear what they want.

I'll support DH and I'll be sad I never got the friendly in-laws I wanted. But I'll never make a personal effort now despite being mostly at a loose end.