To not help the inlaws who have barely accepted me for 29 years

What they said. With bells on.

Hi @Splendud whst happened with this? Hope you stuck to your guns

If they had helped and welcomed you, you would have not hesitated to help them now. What goes around comes around. Stick to your guns.

OP, in your shoes I would be doing the same. I’d be blocking judgey friends as well.

It’s been said before but it’s true, you reap what you sow.

Isn't it always the way that other people think they know better, know your life and think they can tell you what to do?

Of course his siblings want you to step up, they then don't have to. As for your friend does she fancy doing it then? She will have heard about their treatment of you and yet still expects you to step up because they are old. She's no loss.

I cleared my DGMs house with two members of my family and it took us every Saturday, every bank holiday for a year. It's a huge job on top of us all working full time. Of course other members of my family thought they knew better but not one of them came to help. At least members of my family didn't say their jobs were more important than mine!

No. Stick to your guns. You cannot treat people badly and then expect them to be there when you want them.

I'm anxious with too much stuff (I still have too much stuff) and that experience has taught me to sort out and get rid so my DS doesn't have to.

Bloody hell, his parents sound awful! The fact that your DH supports you in this is actually quite telling and so the other siblings should really back off and your friends are in the wrong here! I would just ignore everybody, continue to block them all and get on with your life. They are not considering the impact that 29 years of this unpleasant behaviour has had on you.

Stick to your guns. As for your "friend" I would be reevaluating my friendship with her. Don't be a doormat. Your husband supports you. They aren't your parents. When you FIL calls explain why you are choosing not to help.

"I wouldn't want to impose myself on people who have made it clear that they don't like my company. That would just be unkind given their frailty.

They will be much happier when their own children are there, much more comfortable for them"

No, not really suggesting you send that. But a nice moment's fantasy :D

YADNBU

It’s absolutely your choice whether to help or not and it’s particularly cheeky of your in-laws to say anything to you, given that their partners aren’t helping.

And there’s almost definitely a fair whack of misogyny wrapped up in this. If you were a man you’d be under far less pressure to assist. Stand firm.

You're totally in the right. I think losing your so called friends wouldn't be a loss.

She was obviously explaining that she's very busy.

And no, they don't need her help, they want it. But they won't be getting it. Nothing hard hearted about not being a doormat.

All I can say is good for you. No way on earth should you help. It’s good your DH is supporting you.

id personally re evaluate your friendship with someone so unsupportive in a clear situation.

Dont back down to bullying

OP's job is relevant as her in-laws think that she can just take unpaid leave to help their parents, even though they are not willing to do this themselves.

Her DH is helping and she has taken on more than 50% of the load at home to enable him to do this.

Also, why should she care that two people who have been nothing but horrible to her won't be around for ever? Getting old and frail isn't a 'get out of jail free' card for previous unkind behaviour.

They don't need OPs help though. There are 2 other adult children who could assist but have just decided OP ought to do it for them.

If you were/would be willing to do the hard work for two perfectly competent adults just because they felt entitled to it, that's not something to be pleased with yourself about.

She can help her husbands siblings be the better person by stepping back and leaving them the privilege of caring for their parents. Imagine how that gp brother (sister?) might feel in a few years when they gain some wisdom if the op steps up now and enables them to continue comfortably working and living their own life, and then they realise what utter shits they have been, shit to the op and so shit for their parents who are no longer here and they can never ever make it up to them. Op, be the better person and spare them that agony of regret and having to look in the mirror and see themselves. Step back, keep them blocked. :)

It's obviously information to counter the SIL's opinion that the OPs job is unimportant enough to justify unpaid leave.

It's not hard hearted for the op to refuse to pause her current obligations in order to pick up the responsibilities her in laws have shirked. It's a healthy line to draw. Falling over yourself to help people who treat you poorly isn't the bigger person stance, it's the doormats approach.

Don't know why you feel the need to let us know that you have 100 people reporting to you and are a trustee for two charities, so what.....I too haven't the best in-laws, they have treated me terribly, but l could not dismiss their need for help. They won't be around for ever, life is too short, l could not be so hard hearted, be the better person .

My God the entitlement of some people! This is not your responsibility. They are not your parents and have three adult children who should be doing this. Well done for establishing boundaries with relatives who have treated you so poorly. I admire your stand.

Yanbu

The other brothers should take leave and stay close to their parents for a while and do it.

Stay strong and get on wife your life. We'll done to your husband, he's got your back. Sod the others.

YANBU! They are not your responsibility! Your DH and his siblings need to be the ones helping or your in-laws need to pay for a company to come and help them! Also it's their fault they've hoarded all this stuff and not thought about the consequences until now!
You've got enough on, with picking up the slack when your DH is away helping.

I would look on it as helping your dh tbh. Great that he supports your decision but I'd be keeping my dh company occasionally on the 3hr drives and tip runs, obviously avoiding any chat with the pils. Sometimes it is good to be the better person.

Natural course of life, biology.

They sound a right pair of old duffers, you owe them nothing. I'm sure you have a long list of memories in your head that are making you feel as you do. Even if you sat on your backside at home all day you still wouldn't need to justify yourself to any of DH's family. You taking on DH's share of home duties is helping him to help them so it's not as if you're not contributing anything.

Try not to get caught up in what the others are saying, let DH handle it and also try not to bring it up with him - let him tell you if he thinks there's anything of importance that you need to know, don't get bogged down in pointless conversations that'll just wind you both up, it's really not worth the stress.

“The siblings are a brother and sister and their partners aren't helping either. “

This says it all really @Splendud !!

I think blocking them all is wise.. what a cheeky bunch!! Hopefully your DH will tell
them all straight that you will not be directly helping but that you’re picking up his jobs at home in support of him doing it!! And ask them not to bother you..
As for your ‘friend’… I think it is you who should be reevaluating the friendship!!… is she always this obnoxious & self-righteous?? Who the hell is she to judge your decision ?! Is she unaware of the years of comments and ignorance you have received from your in-laws?
I think if you do continue the friendships with these people you need to not engage in conversations about the in laws, if they ask about it just say it’s all going well and that you’re supporting DH & swiftly change the subject. Make it clear it’s a subject you aren’t willing to discuss.
Perhaps talking about inlaws needs to be added to politics and religion as subjects not to discuss 😂😂

Good for you!