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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex wants extra days

65 replies

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 18:20

Hi, we have 2 lo's, age 7 and 11. I have a live with order and Mt ex has the kids eow and the following week, one overnight. It works well and has done for 5 years. We are flexible eg if a family member has a birthday on the others weekend, we work around it so they don't miss out.

Ex doesn't pick the kids up from school, his mum does and makes their tea. I pick them up on my days, I'm the one who does all the school stuff, appointments, has the kids friends over, my 11 Yr old now plays out a bit. I pay for all their hobbies etc.

Ex has a girlfriend and since the day they met her they started staying over at our house. Our son has to share a room with her son and he keeps him awake. When they come back on a Sunday both my kids are shattered and my son is off the walls. He is being assessed for ADHD.

Ex wants the following:
Have the kids overnight the Sunday and take them to school on his weekends, usually Thursday to Sunday.
Wednesday and Thursday the next week.

So he would have the weekend until Monday, they would stay with my 2 nights and go back to him. One of the days our son has a hobby so we are rushing and my daughter usually plays out the Wednesday as it fits will our arrangements.

I've said no to the Sunday night as our son would then be wild on the Monday, while taking fo his hobby and no time to calm him down. He takes a few days to calm down.

The Wednesday I've said no to as they would only be home for 2 nights, one would be a rushed nights etc.

My ex is seeing someone in a different area, they got back together after being split up a year. He told me.one of the issues was the travel and how she wanted him to move in with her in her area. I don't want to make any changes as our daughter will be stating high school soon and my ex might move to a different area.

I let the kids speak to their dad whenever they want etc.

AIBU

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2025 21:54

Op you don't actually have to do anything but sounds like he'll take your back to court if you don't compromise or offer something, do you want to go back to court and hope they keep to current arrangement? I think you have good reasons for not wanting to increase the overnights with him but increasing evening contact by another evening a fortnight might be a good plan for now

Billydavey · 26/01/2025 21:52

Sushu · 26/01/2025 21:51

I can’t see any solid reason for him not having more time with the DC. I would suggest you trial it for a period of time.

What is are your biggest worries about this really?

Will he pay less maintenance if he has them more?

Sushu · 26/01/2025 21:51

I can’t see any solid reason for him not having more time with the DC. I would suggest you trial it for a period of time.

What is are your biggest worries about this really?

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:50

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:48

Over the years we have both realised that we can't always agree on textd, there is too much open to interpretation. We get on so much better now and are able to sit and talk about it. We usually get a better outcome. It's took a while but knowing what works helps our Co parenting relationship.

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So why hasn’t he suggested it if it has previously worked so well?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2025 21:50

Ps why should your kids be forced to travel to spend more time in his gf far away area

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:49

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2025 21:47

I think you need to put the annual leave holiday option on the cards in writing - if he doesn't take you up on it it's strong evidence he doesn't genuinely want extra time with the kids. You can also offer school pick up, he takes them to activities and dinner time at his house another night in the week maybe eg Tuesday then drops home to yours so son still gets a good nights sleep? Again if he doesn't take you up on that it suggests his reasons aren't genuine

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It’s nothing to do with the op if he takes annual leave during the holidays as long as he is sorting childcare during his time.

She has no idea if he is even able to take leave during the holidays. I can’t, I get set annual leave and that’s none of my ex’s business.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:48

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:39

Why does he need to meet you? I would rather pull my eyeballs out than meet my ex to discuss something in person that we can sort by phone.

Over the years we have both realised that we can't always agree on textd, there is too much open to interpretation. We get on so much better now and are able to sit and talk about it. We usually get a better outcome. It's took a while but knowing what works helps our Co parenting relationship.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2025 21:47

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:43

Re holidays, we split them apart from the summer. His mum has them in the holidays. I take the first 3 days off to spend with them, following my weekend and then he has them from the Thursday, but his mum looks after them. He wouldn't go for that as he doesn't take any annual leave to have them in the holidays.

I think you need to put the annual leave holiday option on the cards in writing - if he doesn't take you up on it it's strong evidence he doesn't genuinely want extra time with the kids. You can also offer school pick up, he takes them to activities and dinner time at his house another night in the week maybe eg Tuesday then drops home to yours so son still gets a good nights sleep? Again if he doesn't take you up on that it suggests his reasons aren't genuine

bigboykitty · 26/01/2025 21:47

Do you have a contact order OP, that specifies his contact schedule? I'm guessing so and for good reason if you have a lives-with order. If so, he needs to take it back to court if he wants to vary it. There are a lot of snarky comments about you on this thread, but if there is a contact order they are all irrelevant. Is he trying to reduce him child maintenance liability and make himself look like a good dad to his girlfriend? He sounds like a shit, selfish dad. He's not concerned with what's best for your children. He doesn't want to discuss it, so fine. The end. Stick to the order and raise in writing any concerns about your children sharing rooms, coming home exhausted etc.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:47

fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:41

In your op you say you've said no to the Wednesday, later on (after repeatedly being told you're being unreasonable and asked what your alternative suggestion is) you said you're now open to thinking about the Wednesday (that you've already said no to) and still offered no alternative suggestions.

I don't onow why are you so concerned with this. I came on here for advice, took that on board and decided what I was going to consider.

OP posts:
fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:43

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:39

Why does he need to meet you? I would rather pull my eyeballs out than meet my ex to discuss something in person that we can sort by phone.

Exactly. What do you hope to achieve by meeting up? It's not necessary.
Just put forward your alternative solution and negotiate.

fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:41

In your op you say you've said no to the Wednesday, later on (after repeatedly being told you're being unreasonable and asked what your alternative suggestion is) you said you're now open to thinking about the Wednesday (that you've already said no to) and still offered no alternative suggestions.

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:39

Why does he need to meet you? I would rather pull my eyeballs out than meet my ex to discuss something in person that we can sort by phone.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:38

fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:29

OP the majority of posters have explained that dad doesn't sound unreasonable, have also asked what your alternative is for him to have more regular time with the kids , you clearly just don't want him to have more time with them so I'm not sure what the point of your post is?

No that's not true, I have posted about considering a Wednesday and that I've asked him to meet for a brew to discuss.

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 26/01/2025 21:33

What he's asking for isn't unreasonable and your reasons for refusing are quite weak to be honest. It's normal for kids to share a room. Being "wild" would be seen as your problem if he's only wild on coming back to you and not at his Dad's. Saying he "might" move away is silly, anything "might" happen. You can say no, he can take you to mediation, you can still say no, then he can take it to court and the judge will want to see very good reasons why you've been refusing what seems like a fair request and both of you will be quite a lot of money down. He's asking for 2 extra nights a fortnight, not a massive change of routine.

fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:29

OP the majority of posters have explained that dad doesn't sound unreasonable, have also asked what your alternative is for him to have more regular time with the kids , you clearly just don't want him to have more time with them so I'm not sure what the point of your post is?

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:11

KhakiShaker · 26/01/2025 21:05

Why don’t you try his suggestion and see how it works out.

Its not unreasonable for his mum to care for them, he’s entitled to find childcare and they have bonding time with GP.

Yeah I'm happy for them to spend time with their grandparents, they take good care if them and they have a good relationship.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:09

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:08

I mean that he is like that after a weekend with his dad, different house/rules etc/more tired. He is ok day to day but the transition from his dad's at the weekend to my house sets him off.

Show quote history

So try his suggestion and agree to reassess it after a month, for example.

Coconutter24 · 26/01/2025 21:08

VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 20:58

No. She's 11. She will need privacy.

Show quote history

The daughter said he could share with her. So for now while they settle it seems like a good option. It doesn’t have to be forever but a few months to help the extra nights be more comfortable for them

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:08

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:05

So let his dad deal with that. Your son has two parents.

Show quote history

I mean that he is like that after a weekend with his dad, different house/rules etc/more tired. He is ok day to day but the transition from his dad's at the weekend to my house sets him off.

OP posts:
KhakiShaker · 26/01/2025 21:05

Why don’t you try his suggestion and see how it works out.

Its not unreasonable for his mum to care for them, he’s entitled to find childcare and they have bonding time with GP.

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:05

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:04

He is being assessed for adhd so is a million miles per hour and becomes upset/frustrated. When he comes home he tantrums, is running all over, cries and doesn't know what he wants. He calms down a bit after a bath but doesn't sleep well that night. Tuesday evening is much better.

So let his dad deal with that. Your son has two parents.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:04

He is being assessed for adhd so is a million miles per hour and becomes upset/frustrated. When he comes home he tantrums, is running all over, cries and doesn't know what he wants. He calms down a bit after a bath but doesn't sleep well that night. Tuesday evening is much better.

OP posts:
movinghouse12 · 26/01/2025 21:03

I don't understand why he wants them more but won't take annual leave in school hols for them? I'd say he's got opportunity for more time as it is and is not using it. I wouldn't be letting him have more time when his mum has them so much, he should use that time first before you lose more time. It sounds like it's at his convenience he wants themz

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:00

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:58

I'm open to thinking about the Wednesday but I don't agree to the Sunday as the kids need to settle. Our youngest will be wild when he comes home, but has a hobby Monday evening. It will be too much for him.

Try it and see. He’s 7, not a young baby.

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