Ex wants extra days

Sunshine186 · 2025-01-26T18:20:43+00:00

Hi, we have 2 lo's, age 7 and 11. I have a live with order and Mt ex has the kids eow and the following week, one overnight. It works well and has done for 5 years. We are flexible eg if a family member has a birthday on the others weekend, we work around it so they don't miss out. Ex doesn't pick the kids up from school, his mum does and makes their tea. I pick them up on my days, I'm the one who does all the school stuff, appointments, has the kids friends over, my 11 Yr old now plays out a bit. I pay for all their hobbies etc. Ex has a girlfriend and since the day they met her they started staying over at our house. Our son has to share a room with her son and he keeps him awake. When they come back on a Sunday both my kids are shattered and my son is off the walls. He is being assessed for ADHD. Ex wants the following: Have the kids overnight the Sunday and take them to school on his weekends, usually Thursday to Sunday. Wednesday and Thursday the next week. So he would have the weekend until Monday, they would stay with my 2 nights and go back to him. One of the days our son has a hobby so we are rushing and my daughter usually plays out the Wednesday as it fits will our arrangements. I've said no to the Sunday night as our son would then be wild on the Monday, while taking fo his hobby and no time to calm him down. He takes a few days to calm down. The Wednesday I've said no to as they would only be home for 2 nights, one would be a rushed nights etc. My ex is seeing someone in a different area, they got back together after being split up a year. He told me.one of the issues was the travel and how she wanted him to move in with her in her area. I don't want to make any changes as our daughter will be stating high school soon and my ex might move to a different area. I let the kids speak to their dad whenever they want etc. AIBU

fivechairs · 27/01/2025 00:42

@Unexpectedlysinglemum rather than pay solicitors to go to court, he does the after school pick ups and returns them at bed time as as you said, it's a few pounds extra in maintenance and he'd rather do that than mess around with a court. Ex friend sees this as win win for her. It's funny how it's only a few pounds now but so many posters also assume jump to that why dads want to have their children, to save money, rather than spend time with them. That's the point I was making.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2025 23:02

MsVi · 26/01/2025 22:17

Does your ex actually want to spend more time with his children or do the new arrangements fit in better with his new life with his girlfriend? I think you need to put your children’s needs first. It’s not your job to make your ex’s life easier.

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2025 23:00

fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:58

Why are posters assuming it's to pay less maintenance? Is it that crazy to assume that he wants to spend more time with his kids?
I had a friend (that I ended up backing away from because of her attitude) , she had an affair with, left her husband then openly boasted that she would only let him have minimal overnights so she could claim the max maintenance, she's happy for him to pick them up from school, feed them, take them to their activities and drop them off at bedtime because only the overnights count to the amount of money he has to pay. Not all women have the best interests of the children at heart. Some are selfish just like some men are.

Maintenance is just a few pounds a night if that. If he wanted them overnight that much he could have applied to court.

Bedecked · 26/01/2025 22:29

Go through CSA, it’s money for your kids. Get help to stand up to him, it sounds like he bullies you and your kids. This might have formed such a pattern for so long that you’re used to it and can’t see it clearly.

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:28

bigboykitty · 26/01/2025 22:24

It's not you saying no. The court has ordered this contact. If he's not happy with the order, he goes back to court, where your children's needs and wishes will also be considered. He seems incapable of doing this himself. It sounds like you've allowed him to continue emotionally abusing you. The order is there to protect your children and provide what's best for them. He's damaging your relationship with your DD with his pathetic manipulation. Do you have access to any support? Is there a local domestic abuse organisation where you live? Your ex is abusive.

Yes I have previously. Everything has been smooth, amicable for I would say 2/3 years. No issues apart from the summer. It's everytime he is in a relationship, without fail.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:25

Ophy83 · 26/01/2025 22:20

I don't think the time he's asking for is unreasonable, but it sounds a bit disjointed. Would it be possible for them to do a full week with your ex followed by a week with you if moving around makes things difficult?

I also think that your ds having to share a room with the gf's son is unreasonable

He can't have them a week. He works shifts , can't take them to school or pick them up. The shifts vary and sometimes he goes to work at 11pm, sometimes at 7am, sometimes 2pm, it changes.

OP posts:

bigboykitty · 26/01/2025 22:24

It's not you saying no. The court has ordered this contact. If he's not happy with the order, he goes back to court, where your children's needs and wishes will also be considered. He seems incapable of doing this himself. It sounds like you've allowed him to continue emotionally abusing you. The order is there to protect your children and provide what's best for them. He's damaging your relationship with your DD with his pathetic manipulation. Do you have access to any support? Is there a local domestic abuse organisation where you live? Your ex is abusive.

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:22

MsVi · 26/01/2025 22:17

Does your ex actually want to spend more time with his children or do the new arrangements fit in better with his new life with his girlfriend? I think you need to put your children’s needs first. It’s not your job to make your ex’s life easier.

I'm really not sure. They were together a year, split up and they got back together after a yeat. He told me she wanted him to move to her area but he didn't want to and he told me it had been coming for months. He told me this when he textd to say they had split and I said I was sorry to hear it and asked if he was OK.

All of a sudden the kids meet her after over a year and now they are spending the weekends together. I'm not sure if sje has questioned his commitment and he is trying to show her he is, or something .

OP posts:

Ophy83 · 26/01/2025 22:20

I don't think the time he's asking for is unreasonable, but it sounds a bit disjointed. Would it be possible for them to do a full week with your ex followed by a week with you if moving around makes things difficult?

I also think that your ds having to share a room with the gf's son is unreasonable

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:18

bigboykitty · 26/01/2025 21:47

Do you have a contact order OP, that specifies his contact schedule? I'm guessing so and for good reason if you have a lives-with order. If so, he needs to take it back to court if he wants to vary it. There are a lot of snarky comments about you on this thread, but if there is a contact order they are all irrelevant. Is he trying to reduce him child maintenance liability and make himself look like a good dad to his girlfriend? He sounds like a shit, selfish dad. He's not concerned with what's best for your children. He doesn't want to discuss it, so fine. The end. Stick to the order and raise in writing any concerns about your children sharing rooms, coming home exhausted etc.

Yes there is an order we have since our son was 1. I have a live with order and they spend time with their dad. There was a time he was absolutely awful to me, which led to court. He was give eow Friday to Sunday and Tuesday tea. The kids were tired so we agrees to an overnight that night, but added it to his weekend to avoid back and fourth for them.

Ex does not accept me saying no to anything no matter what it is. Last summer he was awful as Mt daughter point blank refused to go with him for the week. I tried so hard to get her to go amd while I was doing that he was really nasty, insulting me etc. She eventually went as he promised to take her to a few of her favourite places. He didn't take her to any and she was angry with me for sending her.

He doesn't pay me enough maintenance, I know I would get probably double through cma but I try and keep it amicable.

I'm not sure why now after 6 years.

OP posts:

MsVi · 26/01/2025 22:17

Does your ex actually want to spend more time with his children or do the new arrangements fit in better with his new life with his girlfriend? I think you need to put your children’s needs first. It’s not your job to make your ex’s life easier.

bigboykitty · 26/01/2025 22:15

@Sunshine186 you're being nothing but reasonable. There are a few posters with a lot of balls on this thread.

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:11

sallyannie46 · 26/01/2025 22:06

The son is actively saying he hates sharing with the other child.

His dad has said it's either that or sleep with the cats. He's also had him staying over at a new girlfriend's house from the day the dc met her. None of this screams responsible parenting to me.

If the current arrangement has worked well so far then why does it need to be changed? Especially when they are already expressing issues in the contract time they currently have.

I don't tend to say anything about what he does with the kids. I don't want to look like a bitter ex etc. I did tonight as my son has been really upset about the weekend, but his dad told me I was lying and I would say that.

Ideally the way things are works, my eldest likes to go out with her friend for an hour after school (we live two streets down from school). The kids can have friends over and they have hobbies. I facilitate all of this as the school and friends and on my doorstep.

My ex asked me for more time today, after 6 years. Its all just come out of the blue, so I've had to think about it.

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Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:06

SleepPrettyDarling · 26/01/2025 22:01

You’re coming across as very hostile to the OP. She sounds very reasonable to me, suggesting she discuss it over a cuppa with the ex.

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It's not a race to see who says it first. I suggested it and he said that it is a good idea. Up until my ex got into this relationship we took the kids for meals together, ex would come to parents evening with me, we have met at activities with the kids, so have no issue meeting for a brew, to discuss our route forward with the kids. We ordinarily have a good relationship.

OP posts:

sallyannie46 · 26/01/2025 22:06

The son is actively saying he hates sharing with the other child.

His dad has said it's either that or sleep with the cats. He's also had him staying over at a new girlfriend's house from the day the dc met her. None of this screams responsible parenting to me.

If the current arrangement has worked well so far then why does it need to be changed? Especially when they are already expressing issues in the contract time they currently have.

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 22:04

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:03

I'm happy with the current arrangement Thursday to Sunday and then Thursday to Friday. It works well and has done for 5, sorry 6 years. Obviously transition on Sunday is tricky but I follow a routine that helps. It's my ex that now wants to change it.

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But you aren’t as you aren’t happy with how your son returns or the sleeping arrangements?

And arrangements with a 2 year old will be different 5/6 years down the line. Surely it’s understandable he wants more time with his children?

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:03

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 22:00

What is your desired outcome then as you obviously aren’t happy with the arrangement at the moment?

I'm happy with the current arrangement Thursday to Sunday and then Thursday to Friday. It works well and has done for 5, sorry 6 years. Obviously transition on Sunday is tricky but I follow a routine that helps. It's my ex that now wants to change it.

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Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 22:02

SleepPrettyDarling · 26/01/2025 22:01

You’re coming across as very hostile to the OP. She sounds very reasonable to me, suggesting she discuss it over a cuppa with the ex.

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How exactly am I coming across as “hostile”? Because I’m not agreeing with the OP like others aren’t?

SleepPrettyDarling · 26/01/2025 22:01

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:50

So why hasn’t he suggested it if it has previously worked so well?

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You’re coming across as very hostile to the OP. She sounds very reasonable to me, suggesting she discuss it over a cuppa with the ex.

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 22:01

VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 21:59

That will happen any time he transitions back then

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That's what I mean. We rush on a Monday to his hobby, but he will struggle as this would be the first time he has been home since the Thursday.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 22:00

What is your desired outcome then as you obviously aren’t happy with the arrangement at the moment?

Original poster

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:59

Sushu · 26/01/2025 21:51

I can’t see any solid reason for him not having more time with the DC. I would suggest you trial it for a period of time.

What is are your biggest worries about this really?

I'm going to discuss the Wednesday with him.

My main issues is that my son doesn't react well to the transition when he has been with his dad since the Thursday. He is in meltdown mode, hyper, tantrums etc. It has been worse for the last two months as the kids have spent some of their weekend in a different area at their dads girlfriends home. They met her 2 moths ago and stayed there the first time they met her. My son hates sharing with her son, he says he wakes him up a few times in the night and gets him up early. My son has been angry about this as he said he has asked not to share because of this. His dad told him its either that or with the cats. He is absolutely shattered the Sunday when they come home. He is usually OK but the Tuesday. My concern was that he has a hobby on a Monday so it's a rush after school, but as it would be the first time he has been home since Thursday, it might be a bit much. He loves his hobby and has previously not stuck with anything.

OP posts:

VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 21:59

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:08

I mean that he is like that after a weekend with his dad, different house/rules etc/more tired. He is ok day to day but the transition from his dad's at the weekend to my house sets him off.

Show quote history

That will happen any time he transitions back then

fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:58

Why are posters assuming it's to pay less maintenance? Is it that crazy to assume that he wants to spend more time with his kids?
I had a friend (that I ended up backing away from because of her attitude) , she had an affair with, left her husband then openly boasted that she would only let him have minimal overnights so she could claim the max maintenance, she's happy for him to pick them up from school, feed them, take them to their activities and drop them off at bedtime because only the overnights count to the amount of money he has to pay. Not all women have the best interests of the children at heart. Some are selfish just like some men are.

sallyannie46 · 26/01/2025 21:56

I don't think people really understand these things if they haven't been through them OP, and I can totally understand your worries.

You are the one who has to listen to your dd telling you not to tell her dad things. You are the one who has to listen to your ds complaining he can't sleep because he's being made to bunk in with another child he probably doesn't even know that well. You're the one who has to deal with the fall out when they return tired and stressed.

If this arrangement has worked well for the past 5 years I think your ex would need to demonstrate why it's now in the best interests of the dc for it to change. It is about what's best for them not what he's now decided he wants for himself.

I too am very flexible with my ex and always led by what my ds actually wants to do. I think you need to discuss this with your ex as you're suggested and make a counter offer while sticking to what you think is in your children's best interests.