To feel sad I'm going to end up 'managing' another man

I'd speak to your dad and say you'd prefer a cleaner arrangement. So something like a fixed sum available for use by your uncle if needed. He could make your cousins trustees of it, then it won't concern you at all. Would reduce the amount directly available to you but avoids worrying about it.

Why should she spend a single penny on this fuckwit?

It's given your dad comfort to have written this letter. Fine, sorted in his head.

For you, I would just park it in the future. There are so many what ifs? Who dies in what order, in what state, at what age.

You can choose to make your decisions then. Don't mention anything now and risk turning wishes into a trust you can't wriggle out of. With wishes you can see how things go.

Given the details you've put here, in the sad event of your dad dieing soon, I'd not mention the letter of wishes to your uncle and just wait and see whilst he's on a steady path. Of course your dad could be around for another 20 years and be comforted that with his wishes letter everything is sorted. And in 20 years you can think again or your uncle might have predeceased.

I've come across a few men who've lived a life like your uncle. Honestly, they don't give shit about anyone, ever, accept as a means to an end. They tend to get more clumsy, more obvious and thankfully less fertile as they get older.

A letter of wishes is just that. You don't have to follow the letter, unlike a will.

Perhaps what you could do is secretly set aside a lump sum, a set figure say £20,000 in the bank and if uncle were to ever ask for money, then you could extract some from this account. That way you could honour your dad's wishes. If the money runs out from this account, there's no more to give. And as your uncle isn't a direct beneficiary of your dad's estate, then he won't need to know about your dad's wishes.

I'd not read too much into it. Your uncle may or may not contact you for money. If he doesn't then that lump sum would be yours to keep rather than uncle squandering it.

The issue is, has your dad told his brother this is the arrangement? If so, you'll potentially have his brother cap in hand all the time.

Three choices

1. follow dad's wishes

2)explain to dad that you aren't comfortable managing his brothers money/stipend. If he feels so strongly he should leave him a lump sum as you don't intend on following his wishes

3. don't follow your dad's wishes and don't tell him

I'd go 2 but you risk having less money for you if he does leave him a lump sum.

I think I would still speak to your dad OP, explain that you really feel you don't want the responsibility or to have to make decisions about his money after he's gone and suggest he either amends his will to include his brother in whatever way he sees fit or finds someone else to administer anything included in the letter of wishes. I think feeling uncomfortable about the vagary of the way your dad has currently set things up is entirely reasonable, especially bearing in mind you're likely to be grieving when these decisions will need to be made. It's too much and I would hope your dad will understand and be open to finding another solution.

You know women only pick up the pieces because they allow it.

Yanbu, you have done well to set your own boundaries with men in the past.

If he wants it more than she needs it, she is being guilt tripped into handing it over.

There shouldn't be caveats on wills. Either leave it to someone or don't.

I would put the whole thing out of your mind until the situation actually materialises and then deal with it. It may never happen. Your uncle may predecease your dad or may find a wealthy and naive widow to sponge off.

As others have said, if it's not a legal instruction you should feel entitled to deal with it as you see fit.

To be fair to your dad, the way he's planning it means that if YOU need the money, then YOU get it. It only goes to his brother if you don't need it. Whereas if he sets money aside for his brother, you won't have that chance.
If you'd rather not have the responsibility and not have any of that money, then ask your dad to find another way.
But I think you need to think again about your dad's motives. I think he's thinking of you, even if he hasn't realised that you don't see it the same way.

It does make sense, and you're right, it's absolute bullshit the way women are expected to be support humans / saviours for feckless men.

However, there's nothing you can do to change the way the men in your family think—your dad is not going to undergo a Damascene feminist conversion at this stage in his life. He has given you a choice though, you don't have to look after your uncle.

The best thing you can do is break the pattern by letting your uncle look after himself, and work on reconciling your own inevitable feelings of guilt that will come from doing so.

Yanbu but it's up to you how you interpret it. If he has access to benefits and nhs healthcare, he doesn't "need" anything.

Dad probably doesn't want to care for him but doesn't want to be the bad guy. I'd be pissed if that he is happy to let you take that fall.

YANBU and a letter of wishes is (AFAIK) just that i.e. wishes. You don't have to follow it. It's up to you. So if you want to sack your good-for-nothing sponger of an uncle off, do it. I bloody would!

If your uncle finds out about this he will mither you that he needs 'help' until death do you part.

I'd be telling your dad to remove that as it will end up in a lifelong commitment that you are not prepared to make.

Ignore it. DH was executor of his Dad's will and he left wishes that letters were to be passed onto certain family members. His late wife (DH's stepmother) had dementia but they didn't realise it (wouldn't go to GP) and she admittedly got very paranoid and difficult - but he wanted her children to know how miserable she'd made him. They went onto the fire instead. We would never have passed that on knowingly.

Your Dad won't know. He can choose his burdens, just as you can choose yours.

The fuck. Of course YANBU.

Uncle will be just fine with pension credits and a retirement flat rental. He's not going to starve.

You are absolutely right to feel the way you feel. It's not fair for your dad to saddle you with mental load of doing this. Your dad need to do the right thing by both of you and hire an independent professional to manage brother's stipend whether in form of a trust fund or something else.

Tell your dad what you've told us - also if your uncle got wind of this letter of wishes I expect he'd be on to you endlessly to stump up . It's too much to ask especially for someone who has shown no interest or affection for you in the past.

I’m fairly sure you can ignore a letter of wishes and in this case I would. Your Uncle sounds like a chronic CF and that will not change at his stage in his life.

You don’t owe him anything and you shouldn’t feel guilty about keeping him at the current distance.

Tbh I think his wishes are really unfair on you. I hope he hasn't told Uncle that @twentyoneteacups 'will look after him' financially. Uncle may have a vastly different idea to you of what that involves. Your father needs to leave him a lump sum and you don't need to have dealings with him.

Just say no. Either your uncle stands on his own two feet, or your father leaves him money outright and he gambles it and deals with the consequences, or your dad finds someone else to ‘manage’ him. I wouldn’t be bequeathed the family wastrel.