To feel sad I'm going to end up 'managing' another man

Normally I would honour someone's wishes but in this case I wouldn't. You would be better off donating 10 grand to a homeless persons charity then it would be helping people with no where to live. If your uncle wants to go down to the shelter and make use of it then he can but he won't as he will be leaching off someone better off.

I would say yes to your dad to give him peace of mind that his brother will be ok. Then hope that his brother passes before him! If he doesn't, I wouldn't put yourself for him at all. No need to feel guilty - he can go into the social care system if needed, as many need to do.

I have a similar situation in that my aunt who has never shown any interest in me has asked me to be her POA when she's older as she never had kids and wants to make sure someone represents her interests if she no longer can. I really resent this as I'll have to do the same role for my parents and like I said, she's never made an effort to build any sort of relationship with me. I've said yes so that my dad has peace of mind his sister will be taken care of, but I plan to do the bare minimum I feel able to do - exactly as she has done for me! and won't feel guilty about it one bit.

Well if you need it you can have it - so that’s a bit like that Rita Rudner joke - ‘People aka me have you got any spare change? And I say, I don’t know, I haven’t finished my life yet.’

I think your dad needs to accept that you bequeath as you wish, but putting conditions on it is a mug’s game.

This with professional advice to ensure the money benefits your uncle rather than stopping any benefits.

Totally agree ...

yup but even that comment could be enough to cause a rift between the OP and her cousins.

I would just ask your dad to leave you the amount he wants you to have, and leave the brother what he wants him to have.

This “letter of wishes” nonsense is just putting unnecessary emotional pressure on you.

Your dad has said if you need it, your needs come first. Decide you need it. Put it in a long term investment designed to fund the exorbitant cost of care in you old age, so you won't end up being a burden on anyone. Do this without guilt or explanation. No need to discuss it with your father or anyone else.

This is my own view, Godmum56, and dad wouldn't even need to have told them chapter and verse ... just some comment about OP "looking after him" may have been enough

Which is why I suggested asking dad to hand the whole thing to someone else

as i keep saying that'sfineand dandy unless the cousins, who are named as substitute executors, and get on with the uncle, also know about the letter of wishes because the father told them.....OP becomes executor,"vanishes" the letter of wishes and the cousins take this VERY badly.

which is fine and dandy provided the cousins (who get on well with uncle) don't know about the letter of wishes now. Its possible that they do as they are the alternate executors should the OP predecease her father. The scenario would be that the OP doesn't predecease her father but were told about the letter of wishes at the same time as the OP.

Dad wants me to put my needs first, and only if there's money I don't 'need', then to use it for my uncle.

Just make sure you “need” all that’s left to you, eg to upgrade rooms/furniture in your house, a new car, that holiday of a life time, and savings for your old age. Job done. Waster Uncle can feck orf.

It's not about the money, it's about your time, care and thought.

Need is such an ambiguous term - and you've already said you're secure, you won't need the money. You might enjoy and benefit from it though.

If your dad wants to support his brother he needs to face that issue directly and do the thinking himself. Set up a lump sum with regular payments (released according to clear criteria) administered by a solicitor, or other disinterested administrator.

Is it maybe just your dad's way of assuaging his guilt? I.e. he says they are his wishes but wink wink if you need the money then don't give any to your uncle? Can you perhaps ask your dad not to tell the Uncle about the letter or wishes as you wouldn't want the burden of expectation of dolling out cash like a cash machine to a fully grown lazy adult?

This letter of wishes is your dad’s way of feeling good about “looking after” his brother and maybe even being seen to be the good guy. If he really wanted to help his brother he would have a conversation with you about how you would be prepared to help his brother. What’s the point in leaving a letter to you, his daughter, who he loves and presumably talks to regularly. Tell your dad that he needs to find another way to feel good and that you’re ok with not getting any money if your dad thinks that’s the way to do the right thing as he sees it.

Meh, so you set up a a standing order for £xx per month.

If that’s the extent of your ‘care’, you’ll be fine.

I’m the first to object to women doing the wife work but in this case you’re acting as an executor with very little day to day involvement. It sounds like you had enough of cocklodgers and your dad’s request is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I send money abroad each month on behalf of a relative and it can be annoying when the recipient doesn’t receive the funds easily, but I’m trying to find a way to automate this.

A standing order would be heaven!

I would be honest with your dad and just say you don’t have enough of a relationship with your uncle to feel comfortable doing as your dad asks and can he make other plans please that don’t involve you

the problem is that the OP thinks that her cousins (who will be executors if she dies before her father) might have also been told about the letter of wishes. They get on with spendthrift uncle and might have "views" if the letter got lost.

Your father’s wishes are that you look after yourself first! End of conversation. Looking after yourself is not just financially but emotionally as well. Having dealings with said uncle will cause you emotionally distress, something your df wouldn’t want. After you inherited I would destroy the letter of wishes, that was for you and you alone. When you die your estate will pass on to whoever you decide, it will have nothing to do with your cousins, they only come into play if you pre decease your father.

Pay someone to do it.

a financial advisor will be more than able to organize this and you wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. Plus, any issue and he/she can deal with it.

Just make sure all is in your name and make a monthly payment to whatever you need to pay.

it doesn’t have to be difficult and as it isn’t your money you will only abide the wishes of your dad.

good luck 🌺

If the "Letter of Wishes" isn't part of the Will it will most certainly be lost.

So in essence he's leaving his assets to you but wants you to give some to his brother.

He can't be 'PUT' anywhere. So far as we know he competent to make his own decisions.

If you do decide to offer any funds to your uncle, set up a DD, and have very little to do with him from then on

Unfortunately it doesn't often work like that with real leeches, @Itiswhysofew

This one appears to be a gambler, and I can practically guarantee that, while he might insist "this will be the last request", he'll be straight back in touch when the next "certainty" appears - though it'll only be in his mind

If he was already taking steps to turn his life around there may be some value in helping, but from OP's account he simply expects others to enable him and the only real solution to that is a simple "no"

And you seem to have a wonderful relationship with your father & he’s already shared this Letter of Wishes with you, would you feel comfortable asking him if your cousins are aware of its contents?

I agree with all the other posters who have stated that it depends on whether or not your uncle either already knows or is able to find out that your father has documented this option. Not because he has any legal recourse and you’re obligated to share, but because, if he knows, you are going to be hounded with his sad sack stories and never ending “desperate needs” for money. It sounds like he will bleed you dry, if given the chance.

He is close to your aunt and cousins, is it possible your aunt has also made similar arrangements in her Will? Especially if your cousins are aware of it, if they are also aware of your father’s wishes, they may see this as an opportunity to preserve their generational wealth at the expense (quite literally) of yours. When money is on the line, people behave very oddly.

If no one else knows about this wish, I would not feel guilty at all in ignoring it. As others have pointed out, he’s not going to starve.

This is what I find unfair, the moral obligation you've been given to someone who is basically a stranger to you. And state it like that to your dad. What if you wanted to have a real bucket list holiday and then the guilt of your estranged uncle hanging there. I would be asking for a flat figure to give him via DD. Your dad needs to be clear