To think life is very different now?

I can't disagree with her in that it would be great to have more extended parental leave, with pay. I also think it's better for a child's development to spend more time with their primary care givers.

I don't agree it should necessarily be the mother who stays home, nor that boys need this more than girls.

Is she being clumsy and saying she's sorry women mostly can't afford to stay home these days (if they want to, which is another discussion), or is she being judgey, do you think?

Also is she working herself? If not, and she believes in a child being in a family environment, perhaps she might help out with childcare then? I would put that to her.

Technically she’s not wrong.

Practically, it’s virtually impossible these days

So 3 years off with each child? Which would entrench the inability of women to have a career and be financially independent?

Better for the child, better for the whole family. In my experience one adult being at home means you have less spending money, and so have to cut your clothes accordingly, but it is so much less stressful, no rushing around to get to nursery before work, less chores to do at the weekend, lots of individual adult attention etc.
Obviously not all families can afford to do so however.

I think you are already handling it well op; sticking to the facts that you need to return to work for financial reasons.

Your mil seems to be staking her claim perhaps on future child-sitting duties?

If she persists in making these comments then your dh should step in. Tbh, the fact that she already feels comfortable airing her opinion on this matter before you have even had a child, indicates that she has poor boundaries, so beware!

I wouldn’t be afraid of very politely saying something like “there is a lot of pressure on mothers nowadays who are judged for both staying at home and for going back to work, so I hope we can rely on your support whatever dh and I decide to do?” And put your shoulders back and look her very steadily in the eye while you say it.

I don’t actually disagree with her very generally about dc below the age of three in paid childcare settings, but a lot depends on the quality of care provided, and the mother’s mh, and realistically in today’s financial climate, many parents find it’s the only way to make ends meet. And all of that is irrelevant anyway as what’s important is that this is a decision to be made beween you and your dh and no one else.

And her favouring of little boys is bats of course!

Ignore her OP, you're unlikely to change her mind and engaging will just annoy you.

On the whole topic, though - "better" is such a subjective term. A lot of people believe it is "better" for the child to have a parent (the mother, obviously) at home for some amount of time with the child. It is probably "better" for the husband as well, to have someone at home. It may be easier and "better" for the family for one person (guess who) looking after the children and the house.

My stumbling block is that this person is invariably the mother. And sadly for my husband and children, I was not willing to forego my career, financial independence, feeling of participation in the wider world to make all their lives "better" at the expense of mine

We all have that relative who loves to guilt trip a mother for working. Just politely say you do not agree and smile.

They’re just her opinions, she allowed to have them. You’re allowed not to agree but I’d not loose sleep over it. This is parenting, someone will always be happy to tell you how badly you’re doing it.

If it's a monologue and not a conversation as in she isn't interested in hearing other views then just be polite.
She's one person and it's her opinion, that's fine we all have opinions.
Given she's your mil, I'd try to see where she's coming from and see the good intentions even if I didn't agree, so I could say things like 'the parent-child bond is very important, sometimes being at home full time isn't possible these days but the child can still be secure and loved'.

She's an idiot. As others have said, smile vaguely and move on.

It aounds like she's a cery black and white thinker and unlikely to change her views. This will obviously come up a lot more when you do have children, and there are vound to be other aspects of your parenting that she disagrees with too. Sothe most important thing is just making sure that your DH is fully on your side and prepared to shut his mother down if need be, and not leave it all to you

Pretend to misunderstand 'oh my goodness, have I got this right, you're offering to pay half our mortgage?'

The boy/girl thing is ridiculous. But I do worry that we're at a point where no one likes to say out loud that actually it is better for young children to spend as much time as possible with their primary caregivers.

And I fully understand that the current financial model usually does rely on both parents working, so it's not individual parents' fault, and there's not much point feeling guilty about it. But still, full time nursery from 6/9/12 months old is not an ideal environment for a child's formative years.

Many people believe that it would be good if one parent was able to stay at home with their children for at least the first couple of years.

But there's what is ideal and there is reality. If you both need to work to pay the bills then that's the way it is.

You are reasonable to be irked. She isn't going to be the only person to express this to you so I'd start preparing what to say and practicing it.

Maybe something along the lines of

"Well it's good if they're not homeless either" or "we all have to make our own decisions" etc etc.

Better for who? Each family is different and it plenty of mums find it better for their mental health to be working. I don’t think any child benefits from an unhappy mum. You wanted to SAH and were able to that’s great. I’m able to SAH and am choosing to return part time, that’s also great.

OP, I would ignore her, she sounds like an old fuddy duddy with bizarre views about boys so I would just ignore.

I don't know why you're arguing with her. She's obviously not open to changing her mind so it's a waste of time.

Gos, just say what I say when my MIL sounds off about something ‘God, Kathleen, I’d rather cut my own head off than stay at home for five years’, or ‘Little boys need their father’s undivided attention for five years in my view, so maybe ask DH if he feels bring a CEO is incompatible with parenthood?’

It’s a generation thing. Just ignore her

I think it would be nice for parents to have a choice to reduce their work days to allow time with their child. I worked part time then became a sahm. My friend and her husband dropped to 4 days each so they each had a full day with their child. Or to stop working altogether and be a sahp for whatever length of time.

Not everyone enjoys being a sahm as MN threads are testament to that and not everyone wants to work whilst having a young child. This is about personal choice and the hope that people can make it work for them.

I had comments from my MIL who was a sahm until her children were in secondary school because I returned part time. But hers were said with love about how much she loved it not that I should do x,y,z just because she did. Ultimately it worked for your MIL but you are not her.

She's wrong for saying and I say that as a MIL.

Meanwhile, nod and smile and as I think you said just say "oh, I'd love to MIL but your DS doesn't earn enough".

My MIL has different views to me in maby things. There's a big cultural difference. I calmly and politely stood firm on matters involving my children that were important to me. On other matters I just smile and change the subject.

The only thing that matters is what works for your family. Some parents are better off not working, some are better off working part time, some better off working full time. There is no ideal scenario, families are not all the same.

Smile, nod and ignore. This is just the beginning in a long line of unwarranted opinions when starting a family.

Yeah I agree with this. In an ideal world it would be better for a parent to be home full time with a preschool aged child.
I was so privileged to be able to be home with mine in their early years. DH is a middle earner and we definitely had to tighten our belts, but it was totally worth it.

Well that may be her view, but in my experience it’s simply not true. Even in my day ( I am 63) , mothers went back to work after their short maternity leave. Most had to.

My view, and I am not a mother so it’s purely observational, is that for many children, seeing their parents go out to work is good role modelling, and the little ones in my extended family seem to gain a lot from nursery.

Try to ignore her. Trust me, you have a lot of years ahead in which to practice blocking her out.