To think life is very different now?

If you are lucly enough to have a baby, you will soon learn to not give a fuck about what others think so don't give it any headspace op

I agree personally that for my children it was best to have me at home BECAUSE I WANTED TO (and one SEN so luckily I wanted to😅). But a friend of mine really didn't like playing with her children, doing crafts, taking them out to the playground etc and her kids thrived in the nursery in a way they wouldn't have done at home with their mum. So I would say it all really depends on what is POSSIBLE financially wise AND on what's best for the children. I have always loved taking care of children but we are all different and being a good mother is not reluctantly staying home with your child; it's doing what's best for the child.

Sorry haven't RTFT, have something about to boil.

I also earned more than DH. So every time anyone said anything like that to me (even if they said something about mothers) I'd say "DH just loves his career and he's worked so hard for it, I could never ask him to give it up". It discombobulates them, because the thought of a) a man caring for his children and b) a woman earning more is alien to these types.

Fwiw,I went back full time and never regretted it.

It’s a bit shit that the freedom to choose to stay at home or return to work has come at the cost of devaluing the stay at home /unpaid caring roles.

I'd probably say, 'I'd love one of us to stay home till they were 3/6 but that won't sadly pay our massive mortgage, so hey ho! More tea?!'

Agree

Why is your husband letting all this be directed at you? If he’s going to be the equal parent and partner you presumably want him to be, he should be telling his mother that he doesn’t earn enough for you to stay home, your career matters, and in any case he wants to be an active and equal father who will also have time off if it’s affordable.

Yep. Don't engage.

Everybody is entitled to hold their own views, but you don't have to agree or get embroiled in a discussion about it.

When she says "the government should pay for a parent to stay home" just say "wouldn't that be nice".

So with all the problems that need addressing she thinks the government should pay mothers to stay at home? What's her master plan to enable this? So many people think they can overhaul the country without a clue how to do it.

But your DH is right. If she starts she can pay you to stay at home!

As others have said, don't engage. Keep it light. Water off a duck's back.

She will irritate you even more once you have children so practice now.

Smile and ignore.

YANBU but no need to fall out with MIL

shes wrong on every point of course

If you were feeling mean you could point out that it might be an option if her son earned more...

But generally, just ignore it. Let her have her opinion, and carry on living your life as you want/need. My MIL doesn't understand why we don't go out for dinner every Saturday night and pay for some random teenager to babysit, because that's what she did.

I think that women who choose to and can afford to be SAHP can often provide a great upbringing for their child/ren. However, I do think that pre-school settings offer so much to little ones that they are almost essential.
Life isn’t like that though, there are far fewer homes with only one wage coming in so that’s a massive thing. All children need their parents but that doesn’t mean mum shouldn’t work, kids need a secure environment and nursery etc can and does provide that.
I would have no objection to a parent receiving govt funding to stay at home for early years but I would want to think the children are being properly nurtured. I see a fair few mums who survive on benefits (this life might affect their mental health) and are dragging up their kids; often due to a familial cycle. Working mums often get more done because they are busy; they somehow squeeze in playtime and reading, outings at the weekend etc because they have to be organised.
Working mums are responding to the needs of their family. Sometimes it’s tough and I don’t envy the pressure but that’s the way of it for many.
Disclaimer - I am not saying parents on benefits are automatically worse parents; I see some very good ones. I’m saying working mums can be very good ones.

Sorry, they Do seem to

I understand that it annoys you, but I agree with her that mothers should have the option to stay at home with their children (of both genders, I don't know what she is on about with that) until age 5-7. And they are able to in some circumstances. My sister and her husband get universal credit on top of his wage so that she is able to do this, but she will be working full time next year (when her youngest is 5)

I don't really know, some dad's will have a great bond with their children and potentially they could be the stay at home parent, but they don't seem to need their mum's comfort more from what I have seen

I think you're taking this way too personally, op, especially considering you don't have kids yet.

Isn't it possible your MIL is pleased that she was able to stay home with her kids and thinks it benefited them? She might not be thinking of you at all.

Also, her comment about the government is the type we all make, surely? We wish the government would do X, y or z but know is never going to happen. Doesn't mean she's wrong (the childcare situation in the UK is appalling) and even if you disagree I don't see why it's a big deal to you.

"Very interesting. Thank you for sharing".

Ad infinitum.

She doesn’t sound very bright.

Well, I’m sure fathers will flock in droves to being SAHPs once they realise this.

Yep! And if she gets too much, your DH needs to have a word.

I don’t think it is always better for the child. If I stayed at home I’d miss the adult interaction and mental stimulation I get from my career. Sorry but IME of mummy groups they are not talking about the economy/stock market etc.

I know my personality means I’m not able to provide 7 days a week of baby/toddler friendly stimulating activities, some people are, but I’m not one of them! I genuinely think I would end up depressed and living in my pyjamas in front of the TV, I honestly can’t see how that would be better for my kids vs an engaged, mentally stimulated mum who enjoys and values her time with them.

I’m also not a huge fan of housework, and PT work means we can afford a regular cleaner so I have to do very, very little housework and virtually no chores are required at weekends. Plenty of adult attention also available from me/my husband/granny and childcare as well.

Like I said, we could afford for me to SAH, but I don’t want to. I find the view that every woman is wishing she was at home and it’s always better for the children very irritating because I don’t think it’s true for a lot of families.

I would say; it would be great wouldn’t? But your son doesn’t want to stay at home full time for the next 5 years, and sadly he doesn’t earn enough to support me doing it.

I'd just ask her about the days when dh was little, what they did etc. Don't argue but do let her talk about an important time in her life.

I'm 55, so me and all my parent friends have grown up children now. Hand on heart you can't tell who did what in the early years - nursery, nanny, Granny care, full time SAHP, part time, full time. There are positives (and negatives) in every form of family life. You're also allowed to - gasp - make choices that benefit YOU without justifying it to the world. I'm just glad I didn't have to leave my children with my mum and go halfway round the world to make a living like some of my colleagues had to do.

I would add that how right or wrong she is is totally irrelevant. She shouldn't be commenting, it's rude.

What I don't understand is why some MILs feel they have a right to comment directly to their DILs. My MIL used to make comments so I told my DH that he'd better tell his mother to shut up or she wouldn't be coming into my house. There's no particular reason I'd ever have to see her - she's not my mother - and I certainly didn't have to listen to her wang on like an idiot. My DH was diplomatic about it (thankfully, I couldn't have been!) and reminded her that to me, she is just a person that happens to be attached to my husband, she has no right whatsoever to make any observations about my life (any more than I have a right to say anything about her). It took a while but she got the message.

Your DH needs to deal with this. I would never ever let anyone in my family make rude comments to my DH so he should equally protect me from his family.