My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

Very late to reply OP but some people cannot experience any pleasure that isn't self focused. So cannot get any joy from seeing their children happy unless it centers on their own happiness in which the children happen to be able to join in. Your husband sounds like someone neurologically incapable of feeling a positive emotion in response to another (ie cannot experience empathy). Makes for a very difficult parenting journey!

I loved taking my dc to the shopping mall! A little lunch with multiple options some people watching playing in the play areas with other children and riding rides I especially liked this in the cold weather or on a long Sunday I took my dc many many places and most by myself. Ex DH was incapable of enjoying a day out with our children… not the park not the beach not swimming lessons not the shopping mall not the garden. He was immediately frustrated then bored then mean as fuck to me. Of course he sucked and was having an affair Lots of them. He wanted to be anywhere but with me or dc. Of course once we divorced he wanted them 50% which he didn’t get but I got more than 50% of our wealth so I took my dc many many places on his money and it was great. DC today will vacation with him as he can afford world travel but they do not prefer to be “at home” with him or have him visit and stay at their homes. He’s still joyless. It’s difficult OP and I hope your DH can find a way to be engaged and involved with his DC.

Going to a shopping centre is not a day out in my eyes, it sounds utter shite and a whinging 3 year old on top makes it worse. Maybe some people enjoy shopping but i feel they are a minority, even then surely not with young children? So yeah, if my husband took me on a "day out" to a shopping centre with our young child id be miserable too.

Is he like this on fun days out? Like proper days out to a zoo or a science centre etc?

I do get at their young age going anywhere is a bit of a stress and never fully enjoyable but fun places have their happy moments!

Amongst the exes and cautionary tales, it's depressing how many apologists for this man and others like him there are on this thread.

He's not a fully-formed human being, he's a dementor in human form who thrives on sucking the joy of of the lives of those around him.

My ex was like this, so I started expecting less. It was kind of the beginning of the end for our relationship. I gradually accepted doing all the taking the kids out, all the parties, all the clubs. We started going on holidays without her. Then she stopped spending Christmas with us. All the while complaining that I was turning the dc against her, that I was their favourite (well, of course I was!)

I wasn't even a SAHM - I worked FT and was the breadwinner, as well as the only one who did housework/ shopping/ school meetings etc.

You can imagine how it all ended up. Your dh needs to understand that you can't cherrypick parenting, expect your partner to pick up all the grotty/boring/stressful bits and not pay any price for that. You have to be all in. Not necessarily at every trip to the shops if he truly hates that, but overall.

How about you going out and just leaving them at home with him for an afternoon. Home seems to be the place he wants to be in so let him have his way.

My ex was this way - he wouldn’t join in anything, left work when the kids were very young and told me he would be a house husband so I could have my career. I wish I had kicked his selfish arse out there and then.
His anxiety and pure bad moods ruined every celebration, it was if he had a default misery switch even rushing food to get away from any family chats over the dinner table.
I was so busy shouldering total responsibility that I couldn’t see which way was up.
It was utterly selfish of him and the kids suffered from living with this dynamic.
He was depressed but wouldn’t get treatment.
If you are in a similar situation take my word for it - he will get worse not better.
Get free
Good Luck

My husband is definitely not like this in any way.
I feel for you and the children who will pick up on this as they grow up.

Yeah exactly the same situ here and I’m sick of it. We have started going without him as it just puts a damper on the whole day.

I feel like I could have written this… exactly the same with us. Short of leaving him (which I’ve considered a lot) I have decided to take my kids (3 and 6) out alone and we have much more fun. Yes it’s stressful sometimes to handle both alone but it would be the same if I actually were to leave him. He spends his time at home mostly asleep whilst I parent. I suspect depression but he won’t hear any suggestion of that. So I’m sorry you’re also in a similar situation, it’s tough and isn’t as easy as just leave him!

Well obviously she's the Mother so she has to put up and shut up. Only he is allowed to not enjoy things and throw his toys out of the pram, she must be a grown up and put her kids first!! 🤣

Ask your DH what car event he would like to go to, book/organise it (dont tell the kids), and the morning of the event, take yourself off on your own somewhere.
I imagine one way or the other, there will be an adult conversion to be had about where you go from there.

So this. People who can't behave, don't get to ruin things for others.

What about if mum is physically or mentally exhausted? What then?

Well he shouldn’t decide to join Op and be a complete misery then should he?

Stay at home and be a miserable fecker!

No offence but get rid, my kids dad was like this whenever we went out with the kids never happy, always complained yet never made any suggestions or planned a day out and always had to ruin everything. It will get to the stage you won’t ever go out unless you go out alone with the kids and if he goes he will spoil it. Also if he really wanted to do the things he liked with the kids he would make plans to but he’s not interested in the slightest, Good luck in whatever you choose to do

My dh is very similar. He even uses the term ball ache!! Some blokes are ‘hands off’ like this unfortunately. Possibly his dad was like that with him. It can get easier in some ways as they get older. Maybe ask him to suggest a weekend activity with them. Remind him that you give him time/space for his activities and would like him to make a bit more effort. If you really think he’s not going to change, think about leaving him. It is easier to do when they are younger. Try to do some things on your own with them and try to find other mums or friends who will go with you. I resorted to doing that in the end. I’d go to the local children’s farm/soft play and he’d do his thing. We used to have a nice time & he probably would have spoilt it had he been there.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with him about the concept of making memories. The children may be too young to notice his moods but they soon will. Ask your husband if he wants his children to have memories of his moodiness as they grow up. Ask him how he wants to be remembered as a father. After all he is choosing to be moody and uninvolved.

Sadly taking advise from most of these women like most is again very bad. What job does he do? Is it manual labour and he is exhausted by the weekend, is it office based where he is just mentally exhausted there is so much that goes through a man head with regards to protecting and looking after his family you have no idea, seriously no idea.

Speak to him and maybe he will tell you, if the kids are an embarrassment that that could have something to do with it.

The older I get, especially the way things are now the more I just want to be in the house at home chilling, maybe he is just the same.

Absolutely, sense at last!

I don't have a profound or learned source for this as it came from another MN thread, but since my STBXH left me I have found it helpful to realise that there are men who actively want to be husbands and fathers, and there are men who just want a wife and children. I realised too late that I married the latter.

Mine was a bit like this - luckily not all the time. I put it down to his own parents not doing many things together as a family when he was young (and he was an only child so was left to get on with things). Also his mum is very cold and she didn’t create much magic Christmas time or Easter time. So, simply he didn’t have much example. Admit it was hard work

My husband was exactly the same . All our holiday photos of Legoland or any kid theme day out - he looks like he is at a funeral. Other pictures also show him on his phone 🙄.

Our kids are 14 and 17 now and he really enjoys their company now. He loves how the boys wind each other up and will join in the banter. And he loves how his daughter looks after him with tea and snacks!
Hopefully your DH will appreciate them more as they grow older.
I miss how they were when they were young!

He sounds selfish, bored and quite possibly depressed.

My ex-H was like this. If he wasn’t having fun then no one could. He only took our children to things HE wanted to do but was never grown up enough to do something for their sake.
He bitched and moaned on a trip to Disney in Florida, (which was fully funded by my sister), stating before we even went through the gates that the kids could go on one ride and then we were going.
He hurried us away after our child’s school leaving service, when the kids always hang around after hugging and saying their goodbyes. Our poor child really wanted to stay but felt pressured to leave. We’ll never get that time back.
He basically ruined everything and constantly broke my heart with his behaviour.
So glad he’s out of our lives. Shit husband and shit father.