My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

Taking kids plus a man to a shopping center right over lunchtime? Was that ever going to go well? Boring activity plus hunger?

He needs to sort his attitude but you both need to plan something that everyone will enjoy and that the kids will behave themselves at.

A lot of parents don't get joy from going to shopping centres with small children, standing there while children do activities fun for them, tedious in the extreme as a spectator activity. Same with most child friendly activities. However, that's part and parcel of what you sign up for when you have them, so a mature and decent parent does them anyway, making the best of it and keeping as cheerful as possible.

A lot of men are too selfish to bother, like yours. I would suggest you tell him that you know he dislikes it but it's part of his job as a father to tolerate it with good grace and not make it worse for everyone. I'd caution against going without him. Once you start that he'll opt out of everything.

I don't miss any of this. XH used to be like this. His idea of having fun with the kids was to stay indoors all weekend while they played elsewhere in the house.

All about him.

I listen to my still married friends, and so many of them have similar husbands. I couldn't see how annoying XH was when I was married. I do now.

Have a really good look at how life is for you and your family and decide if that's how you're happy to proceed.

Going to a shopping centre when not needing to shop sounds a weird day out. Did you decide it?

We used to go out with our kids to places like the big park, rugby matches, cricket, train trips and occasionally the beach.

Next time let him decide where to go.

Was there any sign of this type of behaviour before you had children? Or before you had the second child?

I mean he could possibly be a bit on a ND spectrum and find things overwhelming but I would be inclined to think that he is just a manchild making your life difficult. In either way he needs to address this issue and see what can be improved for your family. Ie. you each take one child out at a time if needs be. Denying he has a problem is issue in itself. He either works on this himself together with you or he speaks to a therapist.

Hi,
Posting for support. My partner is very similar, whenever we try to talk about it he just says it's a phase and he will be better when the kids are older. I find it so draining.

I had to have this exact conversation with mine yesterday. I’d posted a similar thread to the OP about how my DH doesn’t enjoy weekends with the kids.

My husband is like this. My children are now straddling teens/adulthood. I always hoped that it would improve. It never did. He ruined just about every birthday/christmas/holiday/day out in memory. He could never seee the point in doing any child related activities (big or small) because they held no interest to him. It never occurred to him to do anything for their sake. I will never get over it. You have my deepest sympathy.

I see someone upthread has suggested “divide and conquer” and that’s what I was going to suggest too.

Either planning separate days out (maybe switching who gets the trickier younger child each weekend) and it’s each person’s choice what they do, or if you are going to the same place then separating to do separate activities (eg in the shopping centre, one of you takes one to the toy car things and one takes the other to a shop you need to get something from, then switch).

If you’re out all together, and he’s being a miserable arse and saying he wants to go home, say, “No worries, you can take DS1 with you, I’ll keep DS2 as he needs more wearing out.”

I guess you have to decide whether he adds more or less value to your family life, and whether he’s worth trying to make it work for.

Yea but sometimes the shopping centre is necessary. He needs to suck it up. It can't be fun fun fun all the time.

Also if I take ds out to say a soft play and dh is have a break we might do soft play, lunch, drop in on dgp or nip to park. Be out 4/5 hours.
Dh rarely takes ds out alone but when he does it's literally the activity for the bare minimum time. He once (when I was ill) took ds to play mini golf a 20 min drive from our house they were back in a hour and 15.
It's annoying because in the house kids tend to default to me, I can be in the bath and they will ask me for assistance over dh day on the living room!

It does get easier as they get older but this is entirely the reason I chose not to have a second child with dh. (Dd not his)

Poor lamb.

Fine if he doesn't enjoy it, NOT fine to ruin everyone else's day.

That's exactly what I thought. If he wants to go home, next time you stay out and he brings them back home. His response to this will let you know if it's the being out that he doesn't like, or just raising the children

Maybe that's her expectation and he feels pressured into joining in. I dunno.

He isn't behaving well at all but that outing to the shopping centre would break me too I think. Maybe he could suggest outings for a change. Visit a big park with a picnic and the kids bikes? Take them swimming? It's not easy in the winter though so I can see wholly a warm dry shopping centre appeals to some people. His behaviour is horrible though.

But then why would he offer to come along to the shops yesterday when op had planned to go on her own?!

I’ve had the same on occasions. The kid’s age is hard but of course that is no excuse. Keep telling him he can’t behave like a sulking teenager. Let him suggest a child friendly day out he will like or at least hate less. Make it clear he is responsible, not just you.

My husband is amazing at outdoor activities with the kids. And home projects. He doesn't enjoy shopping or crowds for the most part so would never ever come with us (and I would also avoid a shopping centre on a weekend with a toddler!) but he has lots of joyful times with them otherwise.

Maybe you just need a reset to find some things he would enjoy and then split up sometimes? Each take one kid? One day each weekend? It's a shame if he's just wishing his children's' childhood away like this :(

This!

I genuinely think some men only have children because they think it’s what you have to do or they don’t have the balls to leave someone who wants them, and then they sulk and make life miserable for everyone else with wilful incompetence because it’s too late.

I’m sorry. I hope you can leave.

People are being very harsh. It would just be that he's an introvert and can't cope with too much noise and hubbub.

My best friends husband was like this for years, always used to be her in the end taking them away on day trips and weekends away. Then he said he lost his freedom and wanted to separate as wanted to be alone and travel. Yet he really wanted a child, not so much two. Fast forward he was cheating on her with someone he worked with for many years and who went to their wedding. During covid they would play online games in his man cave and after covid she would join his social group while my friend was left with the kids. Well they're going through the divorce now and he loves taking the kids 50% time and dumping them on his parents while he sees the other woman!!

My dh can be like this , it's crap because it drags the mood down. Part of being a parent is doing stuff the kids want. I find it immature to not be able to enjoy something for some one else.

I remember taking ds and dd on a day out and having a great day we were all talking about it and dh was all "I wish I could have gone " (he was at work) next year we went on his day off, weather wasn't as great amd ds a bit more whiny. Dh had a face like a slapped arse the whole day. I told him i wouldn't bother inviting him again.

No real advice except pulling him up on it or not including him.

At that age we did the 'divide and conquer' technique! Often separating to do different activities, usually i would be with our daughter (younger one, more reliant on mummy) and husband would be with our son. We would pick activities according to age/stage/interests. Yes it means you see less of each other as a couple but if you are miserable as a group I think it's a better option. It might also encourage him to bond more with the kids too.

Fwiw I used to get very anxious taking two young kids out when they were this age and became stressed. I also get overwhelmed by shopping centres with all the noise and bustle so if you throw in whingey, hungry kids I probably would have reacted the same as your husband. I had therapy to help me with some of the ingrained hang ups I had about parenting from my own childhood.

Finally just to say it does get easier, mine are 6 and 8 now and family days out are much more fun (though harder to arrange as the kids now have 3million scheduled activities 🫠).

He's an utter cunt.

I don't buy him being depressed or anxious, I think he's just another bloke who likes the idea of having offspring (it's a sign of his manly virility, after all) but is too selfish to actually live up to being a dad.

It's one thing to not be particularly enjoying an activity with your kids, another to try and ruin it for the whole family. He sounds completely selfish and joyless unless he's doing something he wants to do. Parties can be stressful, but we do them because we love our children and want them to give the best time.

I agree with the poster who called him a Victorian dad.