My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

I would tell him you’re sick off him ruining everything and if he thinks his child’s birthday party is a ball ache then fuck off out. I would say he seems depressed and needs to go to the gp and therapy and you would support him 100% but if he is not prepared to go for treatment then you and children are better without him. He needs you to put your foot down and tell him how awful he is being and it’s impacting you all. Don’t bring your children up to walk on eggshells around him, he either seeks treatment or leave

Stop giving him space. Tell him what my DH once said to me when I was having a moan - "You're not supposed to enjoy family outings, you're just supposed to have them" (which made me laugh and the day went a lot better after that!) And tell him to put on a cheerful face for the children because he's teaching them to be moany.

A family day out should be a mix of things adults enjoy and things kids enjoy. Time limit things if it helps - 15 minutes browsing the computer games or the tech if that's what he likes, 15 mins window shopping for whatever you like too. And no moaning while it's someone else's turn to have fun.

I was going to say leave the kids' fun til last so they have a reward / something to look forward to, but maybe it's your husband who need to hear "WHEN the kids have had a ride on the cars THEN you can look at the tech"!

I'd be telling him that I wouldn't accept moodiness / silent treatment / whinging from my kids and I won't accept it from him. Adults can have fun and enjoy themselves without being directed by anyone else. Kids can't. Nobody likes kids parties, or soft play, or pushing kids on swings for ages, but it's part of what you sign up to if you're a parent. And it's made harder for you if you have a moaning grumpy adult, a young child, and a toddler to look after.

It's not an option not to take them out so his options are either -
Have less family days out but take them out one on one
Take turns taking them both out so you don't have to see his miserable face
You take them out, he doesn't join, but he takes over for an equivalent amount of time at home so you have a break
He pretends to be enjoying himself and interested in what the kids are up to, like every other fucking parent has to

There are few things worse than doing something you hate with two whinging kids in tow, so I have sympathy with him on that front but he needs to use his imagination and organise something with them that he enjoys.

Sod making excuses. “Ooh maybe he’s introverted” “He might not enjoy shopping.” So, he either doesn’t go or he puts on a fake persona for a bit! If he’s got mental health needs, he owes it to his children. and to himself to seek support.

I would have a serious talk with him about his children’s interpretation of his behaviour. They will grow up one day and remember this, does he want that? My dad was (and indeed still is) a miserable arse around children, despite apparently desperately wanting to be a parent. My childhood memories are him being a grump and misery. Fortunately, my parents divorced and I only spent half a day a week with him so most memories from older childhood are ones with my mum who wasn’t selfish. I hated our small slot of time with him, he couldn’t even fake enjoyment of his own children for 4 hours a week?!! He begs for days out with the grandchildren and then when we get there, complains and he’s grumpy. Last time, I suggested he can go home if he’s not having fun but I am no longer booking days out. It’s so fucking tedious. They have parents so it’s not that he needs to parent. He asks to have “grandpa fun days” but he’s incapable of not being miserable and whiny. The toddler is easier to placate than he is!

No, I don’t genuinely enjoy a lot of the stuff I do with the kids but they’re happy and it’s for their benefit and I tolerate loud, noisy places for them because they’re my children. I want them to have life experiences even if I don’t want to trek into London to be bombarded with noise and other peoples children at the science museum all day. I didn’t want to see Moana at the cinema, I wanted to see Wicked but I love my children and I chose them. So, I saw Wicked another time and they adored Moana 2 so that’s what matters.

Next time he tags along say "Come along if you are going to be engaged with our kids, but if not, then please don't come as last time your attitude was awful"

But also ask him where he would like to go this weekend with your kids. "We need to get the kids out, it was obvious you didn't enjoy the shopping centre, where would you like to go"

My ex was like this, a miserable bastard let's be real. It tainted everything- Christmas, birthdays, days out (even if I took the children by myself he made bad feeling about it). Can't even describe how much better life is for my and the children now.

How much parenting does he do either at home or when you are out? How often has he had them on his own @sofingmisreable

Your eldest DC is getting to the age to clock that dad is a grumpy miserable dad

Start making plans without him but then tell him he needs to take them out on his own so you get a break too. He doesn't get it both ways, youre either 2 on 2 OR divide and conquor.

Same here, especially that age. Run around and fresh air is probably what they need. But then again, OP said he is like this no matter what they do so he does sound miserable.

I would have to call this out - and it would be a quite blunt ‘you have a face like a slapped arse - grow up!’ Every time he does it!

Is he doing this so you don’t ask him to help out again and he gets more me time?? And to retreat when you got home - I would be furious- who does he think he is!!

This selfish, manchild is ruining days out and birthdays- the ‘DD’s birthday is another ball ache’ is a real turn off, especially from a man who begged to have a 2nd child.

If he is depressed or you/ the kids are at risk in anyway you need a different approach - but if not he needs to be told to stop being a twat and parent like an adult!

If he wanted children and if he wanted that number of children, remind him daily, hourly about it and tell him to snap the f out of it!

I think the comment about the birthday party was awful and completely unacceptable and I would have called him out on it. I think you need to sit him down and have a chat. Parenting small children can be hard work and thankless, but also can be fun and rewarding. You have to focus on the positives. What else did he expect life was going to be like? Outings with DCs aren’t all about him!

Also, your DCs are likely picking up on his negativity, which will be making their behaviour worse.

The DCs will get older and outings will get easier, but if he’s so detached from them now he will find he hasn’t developed a relationship and they won’t want to spend time with him when they are older.

Does he know how to connect with young children? Would he consider reading some parenting books or going on a parenting course?

So he begged for a second child? Is he like this with the kids at home? If he is, this will be really damaging for your children as they will soon pick up on the fact that their dad doesn't actually like them.

Do you ever speak to him about his behaviour?

@Pumpkincozynights yep - I've said this so many times on here - a great many men, possibly the majority like the idea of a family but don't actually want to be a family man in terms of parenting/ spending time - they would rather be watching football on TV /at various sports meeting mates/ riding their bike/at pub /t gym- none of it involves their kids - if you have kids you have to be prepared that your 'desparate to have a family bloke' may not be so keen on the reality and be prepared that it might come down to you or you may end up on your own with them

Not insane. I hate going but when I have to, I promise the kids they can go to the playground, I plan this in, we stop early for lunch, and then I promise a small something on the way out so I can get them back to the car. A balloon or something usually does the trick. It takes longer but is completely doable in a bearable way (I say bearable, not enjoyable).

Yes you are so right. They have children because that'd what you do in society. They hate bringing up children.

Hey OP, just came on to give you some solidarity, and maybe some hope. My kids are the same age.

My DH can be exactly the same, one example we went to a Christmas market with the kids and he wouldn't let them touch anything or buy anything and kept telling them off and then got pissed off when they whined... until I finally told him to fuck off and I bought them both pick a £1 jewellery ring each and they were happy as Larry.

I noticed a pattern of days out and holidays being ruined when he was just miserable as fuck.
Sitting him down and speaking to him about it doesn't really help.

HOWEVER. Noticing what triggers it has helped. Crowded or noisy places.
Shops or anywhere the kids can grab or break things they aren't meant to.
Anything out of normal routine.
Anywhere that the kids have to sit still for any length of time.
Fairgrounds and the likes

The places we do have a good time tend to be:
Outdoor walks
National trust days out
Kid friendly places with outdoor bits like farms, play barns etc
The beach
In the garden with the paddling pool
Places that have cafes where we can get a nice coffee and treat

We try to plan things we all enjoy and where it is easier to parent, no temptation for the kids to take or break things or whine to be bought stuff.
I've had to sit my husband down and talk to him about ensuring they always have snacks to hand, or that we set aside money for little treats or allow them to buy one item each, for example if we're going shopping - because it generally does make it less miserable!

After our last ruined holiday I sat DH down and told him how his moods affect me and the kids, my concerns for the future, and spelt out that if he didn't change then I'd be gone with the kids.
But I approached it in a curious way - such as "I've noticed that you're struggling to enjoy xyz, I've noticed you're struggling to tolerate the children being noisy.... And I'm concerned this is causing the children to not enjoy their time with you... I'm concerned xyz. What is going on"

He's now booked to see the GP about depression and I've said I'll support him with whatever he needs, but he also fully understands if things don't change I'll be divorcing him and going for full custody for the reasons I outlined.

Sometimes it's essential. And many big shopping centres have soft plays, rides, food outlets. Really quite normal and certainly not 'insane' 😂

He sounds like a complete misery who resents his children. Obviously when you have dc you have to do things that suit them. The alternative is you never go out. How does he not realise this?

Personally I would leave the miserable bastard at home every time rather than have to put up with the childish sulking. Enjoy your time with your dc and let him do whatever it is that he finds so much more worthwhile.

Totally insane to take kids to a shopping centre for you, for them for him. Who has ever in the history of day trips had going to a shopping centre as a fun thing to do? That aside he sounds such a misery. You need to find things to do that you all enjoy I doubt he will have any suggestions but hopefully it will get the conversation moving.

I suspect there are a lot of parents out there who think they want kids but who actually can't stand the reality of being a parent - and it sounds like he's one of them.

But his kids are here now, so he needs to pull his finger out and buck his ideas up sharpish.

I agree with him when he says a child’s birthday party is a ball ache but this is why I chose not to have children.

Controversial… perhaps

My mum was exactly like your DH OP - didn’t enjoy family life.

She was born in the early 1930s where perhaps, childless women of this specific demographic were viewed more negatively than women born later

DH was variable on the fun stuff but only had his own stiff and miserable father as an example.

He would do parties, especially sporty ones, with good grace, theme parks and museums sometimes and was brilliant on bucket and spade holidays. He still needs his space and the dc are 26 and 30!

I don't think we have ever had a family outing to a shopping centre. DH would get more joy from sticking pins in his eyes - the same for children centred restaurants like Ben and Jerry's - it isn't that but I can't remember the name of it.

We compromised. He came for the some stuff. He was happy to pay for us to go so he didn't have to.

As the DC got bigger he was excellent about attending matches and I was relieves of that from which Inderived little pleasure. Standing at a muddy freezing field watching my boy in a ruck does nothing for me.