WWYD: DD drunk seperated from friends in city centre

By normalising tracking it makes it very hard for those who are being abused and don't want their partner tracking them to say "no".

And you might say "oh ye that's a good idea" meaning for emergencies but don't consent to being checked up on every half an hour obsessively like OP was doing. It's a different thing.

It's not healthy and it should not be normal

this is a new city to all of them.
Why does this matter? Clearly they were all fine in the new city, even when she got lost it seems she found her way back pretty easily.

• she didn't get lost inside the pub, she had headed outside of it and wandered away from the pub down a street.
Even in a new city I'm sure you've brought her up to be able to navigate a street without it her friends. This is such a massive non event. She got lost and then she made her way back.

• she could string a sentence together but was clearly intoxicated and I worried if she kept drinking and got lost again would become extremely vulnerable.
Her friends seemed to be decent and they stuck together (apart from when they were briefly separated). How do you expect her to navigate life if she can't even have a night out when she gets drunk without her mum getting involved how can she ever be expected to grow up?

Two things could happen, she'll end up dependent on you for far too long into adulthood or she'll get annoyed about the interference and she just won't tell you when she's out (my parents didn't know anything from age 18).

If all the adults have agreed between them that they track each other how is their agency compromised?

These days many people live their lives like an open book - you know what they're doing moment to moment via Facebook or whatever. It's a different generation.

My generation grew up with nobody knowing where you were or what you were doing at any given time, and now I think about it I don't think it's necessarily a better way to live. Just different. I didn't have more freedom or less. There is nothing that I do on a day to day basis that requires that some people don't know where I am. Absolutely nothing. My life just isn't as interesting as I sometimes think it is. I wouldn't want strangers to know my movements of course, but a few loved ones? No problem.

I can understand that if I was in a toxic relationship with someone wanting to keep tabs on and control my movements, but that's something else.

Ah yes
You go and pick up an ADULT and drive her home

Not gonna ruin your relationship with her and make you look batshit.

Tracking is not and should not be considered normal. It's an invasion of privacy and a catalyst for the sort of obsessive behaviour you and OP are showing.

Yes, bad things can happen on a night out. They can happen to perfectly sober young people too. Driving nearly 2 hours to make an adult come home won't stop that.

Do you not know that young adults are often go missing/get killed on nights out? It’s cold as well.

It is something that happens occasionally yes and when it does it is awful. But it does not happen 'often'. In the year ending March 2023 there were 590 homicides in England & Wales, a third of which were women. That is from all causes and far more likely to be someone they know.

But it really isn't normal. It's a huge invasion of privacy and it causes more anxiety than it relieves. No one has the right to track anyone or to hold the expectation that they will be allowed to do so simply because "they're my child". They're not a child, they're an adult.

You'll drive yourself mad tracking her on nights out and calling.

The best thing you can do is delete the app, and definitely do not phone her. Put her number on emergency override and if she needs you she can text.

Because it's a violation of privacy, there is no control over the extent or scope of the tracking, and it compromises the agency of adults.

It's not normal for you. You don't get to decree what is normal for others.

I had called her at that time to check in

Do you normally phone her to 'check in' when she's at the pub?!

She's 21 and went the wrong way coming out of the toilet because she was pissed-then she found her friends.

Sorry but what youve just explained is not normal behaviour dont suggest it is.

Firstly, it's morning now. Why would she need driving home now? Secondly, what if the daughter (quite rightly) says no? You can't just tell an adult you're picking them up?

If a family member came to your house and demanded you got into their car now because they didn't like what you were doing would you?

No wonder young adults are not independent any more when so many seem to be treated like 12 year olds.

Plenty of adults go out and get pissed

How is it an intrusion if all the adults involved like it that way? We don't all have to live the way that you do.

And at 21, if one of my parents had rocked up and told me they were there to pick me up, I'd have refused to get in the car.

No one tracks me because I am a grown-ass adult who has the right to go about my business without someone looking over my shoulder. I don't track my DC. I would go spare if I found out someone was tracking me.

What you have described is not normal and is a huge intrusion. I hope you're ready for the pushback against it once your DS sees more of the world outside your bubble.

It sounds like such a non event. She lost her friends briefly and then found them again.

im surprised she even told you about it at 21. When I was 21 I was working and travelling in America. I did not phone my mum every time I had a slight mishap. I can’t believe you were going to get a hotel nearby for your 21 year old. And tracked her like that.

I’d drive to the city, pick her up and drive her home.

The comments about her being 21, adult and to be left alone are dangerously moronic IMO. Do you people not understand the stats for sexual assault/rape? Do you not know that young adults are often go missing/get killed on nights out? It’s cold as well.

Tracking is normal these days. We don’t live in the 80s/90s anymore - I think some people recounting their own escapades have forgotten that. My mum tracks me everyday. I’m nearly 50 and have a husband, dog and my own grown up children at uni. I track my uni dc to make sure he’s got home at night. He knows that and he interprets that as me caring for him, exactly as it is.

This!

I have 2 DDs so I know how it feels to worry about them, but I really think you need to work on your anxiety around this. Tracking a 21 year old all night when she's just having a nice night out with her friends is really not normal.
We're not talking about a 16 year old here, she's 21! Going to a new city is something any 21 year old should be able to do. What would you do if she went abroad? Track her and worry the whole time? Fly out there at the slightest problem?
You need to loosen the apron strings for both your sakes

She’s 21. You are being way over protective. I used to go out a lot at that age with friends and I’d have been very angry at you for embarrassing me by doing this

“I live 1hr20 mins away and am on the verge of getting a hotel and staying on the city for the night incase it happens again when her friends are too drunk to react.”

she will never grow and learn resilience if you act like this. Ultimately it was fine anyway, she got back to her friends. The lesson you should be imparting is make sure your phone is charged for a night out, have some water every couple of drinks, make sure you’ve eaten and have money for a taxi home if needed and then let her live her life.

she’s 21 not 12 - she needs to have an experience like that to know how to not have an experience like that next time.

One of my beautiful, kind friends, Sian O’Callaghan was murdered by a taxi driver who picked her up from the club she had been at that night.

The group had stuck together all night, she hadn’t gone off with a random guy or walked home alone - she booked a licensed cab to get home safely and she still lost her life.

My point is, you staying in a nearby hotel wouldn’t have made any difference if things had taken a bad turn. You need to let your daughter be an adult and figure things out for herself. I understand she will always be your baby and you just want to protect her, but if you keep swooping in to save the day she will end up with zero life skills or street smarts.

The most productive thing you can do for her here is speak to her about the importance of drinking in moderation, but I’d imagine at 21 it’ll fall on deaf ears.

This.

Wow you need to get a grip. She's 21. An adult. Leave her be. Are you going to worry about her like this your whole life? Have a stern word about not drinking so much if you want. To be honest most twenty somethings do it and survive.