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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overbearing and suffocating boyfriend

112 replies

LaaLaaLady · 25/01/2025 19:48

So my partner and I have been together a year. We both have kids, we don't live together. I knew that he had ADHD from early on... I'm mentioning this for info, not sure if it has any relevance, and I don't want to be offensive to anyone reading, but I'm wondering if autism also.

I find him overwhelming. He has said before he's obsessed with me, I told him that made me uncomfortable as it's not healthy to feel like that. He agrees with everything I do and say, seems to have no opinion. Always talking, texting, wanting very in depth conversations about our relationship, which I'm not always in the mood for after a long day at work and my 2 children to see to. Hyper fixated on me like I'm perfect. I'll tell him I like my alone time and need to chill tonight and I might be on the quiet side for the evening, at which point he'll go completely silent for 24-36 hours. There's no in the middle.

Then, he needs to settle that in his mind... Why I need alone time or quiet time. He always wants to understand how I'm feeling, point out how worried he is about me if I need a quiet night, when I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I can't give him everything, every second he needs attention.

Once I snapped at him one morning. It happens between couples, right? All I said, not shouting, when he was talking and talking at me, was 'can I just drink my coffee and have 5 bloody minutes peace?!'. He went totally quiet, and was quiet for 2 hours. We had to have another chat about how, one again, he was worried about me, how hard it was for him to see me like that as if there is something dreadfully wrong with me.

It's exhausting, like multiple times a week. He stresses that he needs to understand me and the situation again and again, to know what's going on in my mind. Which I in turn find intrusive at points and he doesn't give up wanting to know about how I feel, constantly.

Another thing, if I go out with a friend for a drink, he likes me to check in. When I didn't once about 6m into our relationship, I finally got to his messages about 10pm. He was frantic, he told me he almost reached out to my other friends to try to get hold of me, he even considered calling police. I told him that was unreasonable, that I'm a grown women and he isn't my dad.

I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him about it more than once, his face just goes blank and he says he doesn't understand. I'm suffocated but I do love him.

Sorry for the essay. Thought, opinions and advise welcome.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/01/2025 21:30

To add, the intensity can be unreal with people like this. When my ex-h and I were dating I was a single mum, working in London with a long commute. I wasn't bothered about seeing him in the week because it was too much. He'd get very upset if I didn't want to see him. This would turn into endless phone calls and then five or six bouquets of flowers being delivered to my office the next day. I did marry him though and that's another story altogether 🥴

Peanutssuck · 25/01/2025 21:30

My partner is just like this. It's draining. We have spoken about it at length and he's a lot better, but it's taken 6yrs. Occasionally he'll revert back (why didn't you text me to let me know you got home safe) and I have to explain that I'm an adult blah blah blah. It is seriously hard work. But again, he's absolutely wonderful with my DC, and a brilliant generous father to his own. It used to often cross my mind as to whether he was actually ADHD or a controlling narcissist. Thankfully its the former.

Original poster

LaaLaaLady · 25/01/2025 21:27

Yes AuDHD was my thought. What I've found online ticks many boxes, but I couldn't find too much info or advise.

OP posts:

pictoosh · 25/01/2025 21:24

Sounds cloying. I wouldn't like it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/01/2025 21:23

I would say that he's possibly autistic. My son is like this (AuDHD). It's just he and I and it's exhausting sometimes so I hear you. My ex husband was intense in a different way (also AuDHD), a massive sex pest to add to the mix.

I don't think this relationship is for you. He's not going to change if that's who he is. He can't. I'd throw this one back.

mindutopia · 25/01/2025 21:17

Christ, chuck this one back in. It shouldn’t be this hard. Autism or ADHD or whatever, it’s not your job to compensate for his issues. Life is too short. Find someone lovely and chilled out who isn’t so much work.

TheCatterall · 25/01/2025 21:16

@LaaLaaLady but if he realises his behaviour is stifling and overwhelming (and I can only imagine how his kids manage!) then he can learn ways and methods to manage it.

he could do some introspective soul searching and work on being better person and partner. It would only help him in other areas of his life.

averylongtimeago · 25/01/2025 21:14

This is an ex boyfriend I think.

beetr00 · 25/01/2025 21:11

LaaLaaLady · 25/01/2025 20:07

Sorry you've experienced similar. Do you think any therapy or working with an ADHD specialist would help? I'm not sure whether to suggest it, have you tried with your partner?

Edited

personally, I don't think this is "typical" ADHD behaviour @LaaLaaLady

My concern for you is that he is controlling.

Maurepas · 25/01/2025 21:03

You can get a real puppy. He sounds like one.

user2848502016 · 25/01/2025 21:01

Call it a day? This is still quite a new relationship, it's not working for you so end it.

Scout2016 · 25/01/2025 20:59

You sound to have moved quite quickly if he's there for your family in times of need and great with your kids after only a year together. Compounded by his obsessing over you and everything you do I'm not suprised you feel suffocated.

I'm not sure you're compatible And don't think he can change because it's just so intense and ingrained.

mumda · 25/01/2025 20:58

LaaLaaLady · 25/01/2025 20:01

This is the thing, I think he is incapable of understanding, I dont believe for a second it comes from a bad place. So I'm wondering if it's something more.

He has 2 children and he is a wonderful father, very caring and doting. Same with his friends and family. I've never seen him snappy with anyone, not even when the little ones are playing up. He is super positive and doesn't say nasty things to or about anyone. I'm mentioning this as I don't think he's an AH and hiding it, this is just the way he is.

Show quote history

Bin him.

You can't reason with him. So dump and move on.

LoveSandbanks · 25/01/2025 20:54

I have ADHD and am not remotely like this. Its not ADHD, he's just a pain in the butt.

R053 · 25/01/2025 20:50

I don’t think this relationship is healthy for you. Imagine what he’ll be like if you move in together?

Snowmanscarf · 25/01/2025 20:49

He may have his good points, but you find him suffocating. You gave the ick.

LetsGoToTheHills · 25/01/2025 20:47

My partner has ADHD (recently diagnosed) and we have done a lot of reading to try and understand it together. I try and frame things as symptoms rather than him so I can address them without him feeling under attack. It neutralises somewhat, if that makes sense. But I have also demanded that he try and understand my neurotypical mind the way I make the effort with his. It has to be reciprocated for me. These two things have really helped us.

kiwiane · 25/01/2025 20:47

He sounds really disturbing - break up with him and involve the police if there’s any stalking behaviour.

Original poster

LaaLaaLady · 25/01/2025 20:45

TheSilentSister · 25/01/2025 20:30

I had one like this. Got together before lockdown and then he 'temporarily' moved in for the duration. Was fun to start with, good company. But it began to feel like groundhog day. I had no space. When I mentioned it, all I got was but I love you.
Lockdown over and he moved out but still wanted to see me every night. I said no, every other was fine. He said if you loved me you'd want to be with me all the time!
I felt stifled, controlled. He just couldn't understand that I wanted my own space.
It ended for other reasons and it was such a relief. Tbh, it put me off relationships.

Walk away now. You are not compatible.

Wow. Yeah that's it... 'but I love you'. Like I love you but chill!

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 25/01/2025 20:40

No matter what positives there are I really couldn’t be arsed with this. Life can be hard enough as it is without having to psychoanalyse my need for 5 minutes peace to drink a coffee in the morning or have the police looking for me because I haven’t replied to a text message while out with friends.

arcticpandas · 25/01/2025 20:38

He sounds like an intense teenager tbh. Adults need their own space. Try to talk to him and explain this to him calmly. If he doesn't want to change I would call it quits..

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 25/01/2025 20:32

I once dated a man with (diagnosed and medicated) ADHD. Never again.

TheSilentSister · 25/01/2025 20:30

Walk away now. You are not compatible.

aCatCalledFawkes · 25/01/2025 20:18

I've just finished with my boyfriend who has ADHD which I also now think is poorly managed. I found him completely overwhelming. It culminated with him walking out of his job of 5 months in and all of a sudden I'm the only person keeping going. Leaving his job was car crash as he refused to negotiate and instead demand money he was never going to get. When we split up he accused me of finding someone else and then put a hard block on me after I tried to explain how I felt etc...

HomeCookingWannabe · 25/01/2025 20:17

I'd be straight out of there, even reading it made me feel suffocated. But it's not really about us. The fact you wrote this post means you probably already know the answer

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