Overbearing and suffocating boyfriend

I'm autistic.

Just because someone is autistic does not mean that everyone has to accept controlling/abusive behaviours.

The DP's behaviour isn't one I've seen typically displayed by fellow people with autism, but that's not to say it's unrelated.

Either way, nobody has to accept behaviour in a relationship that they don't feel is reasonable. I couldn't cope with OP's partner.

I have dated someone with anxious attachment and I wouldn’t knowingly date someone like this again because I didn’t enjoy being used as an emotional support martyr type mother figure for someone. The problem was not that my ex wanted love, it was the type of love he wanted. He wanted Movie love, clutching each other breathlessly, while declaring how perfect I am and to promise I’d never leave him. It’s a young juvenile love that they sometimes seek. It’s not realistic.

Reassuring them doesn’t work and they can engage in some unpleasant protest behaviours when their needs are not being met. In my experience it is impossible to meet their needs as their needs gradually increase and their expectations can become unrealistic and abusive.

Some people who realise they have attachment issues and want to change find therapy extremely difficult. But your boyfriend doesn’t realise he has a problem, and he isn’t negatively effected by it. Only you are.

You think he’s too much. He thinks you need to be more. You’re not compatible.

The causes of the behaviour are irrelevant; the OP cannot control that. All she can control are her own choices in dealing with the behaviour. It would not be worth it to me, especially with my children's well being at stake.

We can like and care about people without making them our romantic and domestic partners.

@BettyBardMacDonald That's a really shitty comment about somebody who is neurodiverse and likely cannot control their behaviour. You just sound cruel and ignorant.

I am autistic and am not like this. I also have a psychology degree and I'm a social worker. I recognise this as anxious attachment. He does some push and pull stuff, because he's afraid of rejection so he will reject you harder (the going quiet thing).

Someone who is autistic or ADHD is more susceptible to attachment trauma during childhood, especially because they're genetic conditions so the parent was likely also ND which can affect their attachment with the infant. It is highly likely therefore that he has a disordered attachment style.

You're going to find that this behaviour won't change. It isn't malicious or intentional: it's an act of psychological survival for him. So you will need to either stay whilst he gets intensive DBT type therapy; or leave for your own sanity.

I voted YABU by choosing to stay in this relationship. His good points are irrelevant, the relationship is unhealthy, its smothering and intense. It isn't making you happy, that's what matters. Why would you want to continue this and why would you want to subject your children to this? You are not happy, that's the only reason you need to end it.

This x1000.

Raise your standards, OP. Find an adult, not a needy, clingy, juvenile game-playing weirdo.

Why on eath would you be attracted to and tolerating such batshit behaviour?
Look at that asap.

@LaaLaaLady my son is Auadhd and you’ve just described my child. He’s 7, it’s exhausting. No advice but I get why being on all the time is hard work.

I would not consider counselling with a boyfriend of a year. This is meant to be the best bit. You’re meant to be having fun, great sex, trips away. Not finding professional support to help him learn how to respect your boundaries.

He must have boundaries with others or he would have ongoing problems with his family and friends. So you know he’s aware of other peoples boundaries and respects them. He just doesn’t respect yours and has dysfunctional ideas about what a romantic partner is and expects to be allowed to tap you for good feels whenever it suits.

Consider counselling for yourself. People with healthy boundaries would not allow this type of bulldozing and weird smothering behaviour.

Dump and run.

He isn’t going to change, and whether he can help it or not, if it’s down to ADHD or not etc, is largely irrelevant. That’s what he’s like.

You can’t stand it - neither would I be able to - so you need to end the relationship. There’s not a lot more to it!

As soon as I started reading your post, I recognised ND signs. I think the constant wanting to understand you, comes from the fact his brain is wired differently to the majority of us, and he simply doesn't understand. He's wants to understand but can't. I wonder if one of the Autistic/ADHD charities might be able to help him try and regulate and understand his own behaviour. Many Autistic people are fixated on things or people, it's quite common. However, it's not a trait that is going to be socially acceptable or tolerated. His behaviour needs managing, and it's down to him to seek that help. You can't manage it for him, only he can do that. His behaviour isn't going to change, because he can't change what he doesn't understand. His behaviour will and is driving you away because you are feeling smothered and overwhelmed. By all means help him find some help, even offer to attend some sessions with him - it may be helpful for a therapist to understand why you are struggling. Ultimately, if he doesn't seek help or you can't face the relationship any longer, then you need to walk away.

He doesn't k is how to have a deep and meaningful relationship and is having to fake his feelings and believes this over the top behaviour is how people really behave

I agree with this. There’s no real intimacy here. How could there be when he dismisses your feelings. I’ll bet he understands perfectly well your feelings about other things, he must do or you wouldn’t date him. He has problems with your feelings about him because he doesn’t agree with it. So it can’t be true and you should just play act the role of doting girlfriend despite being tired or unwell.

The black and white thinking and the refusal to accept your feelings makes me wonder if you are his special interest.

This.

Seriously asking, why would you put yourself AND your kids into this situation? It reeks of desperation.

Better to be alone than with a suffocating weirdo. Please think about why you would even consider tolerating such behaviour.

It’s not going to help.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head about being 'on' all the time. Like I can't just switch off and binge watch netflix as every time I start winding down and relaxing my phone pings, then again and then another 5 times before I get an 'are you ok, you're very quiet' message

I don’t think he is interested or accepting of the whole you. The tired version or the one who wants space. He may seem interested because he’s asking you a lot of questions , but he doesn’t accept your answers because he knows better so it can’t possibly be that. He’s not asking you these things to understand, he’s asking you so he can find a workaround and get the fun version back who gives him a lot of attention.

He has asked, you have told him, he doesn’t accept it. That should cancel him out as a partner.

I’m AuDHD. I do recognise some of the behaviours. Couple of observations - those saying he sounds like a teenager - there is evidence that neurodivergent brain develops into an adult at a slower rate and we aren’t usually fully ‘adult brained’ (not a technical term) until about 35. Also the excessive reaction to rejection - there’s a term called ‘Rejection sensitivity dysphoria’. We feel perceived rejection very strongly. It can feel heartbreaking. But if you have insight and understanding, you can learn and grow. I’m in my 40s now and in a happy relationship, although it’s difficult for me to be vulnerable with him at times.
HOWEVER - I don’t think any more understanding of his ADHD/possible Autism will actually change anything. He is clearly rigid in his thinking. PP have said you don’t seem compatible and he doesn’t seem to be able to understand how it impacts on you or have any capacity to change. This is how he is. The why is kind of irrelevant. I don’t think you can ever be happy together. I’d call it a day.

But he will overwhelm you until your every breath is made to be about him and his emotions and needs, until you realise you can't even take a slightly longer shit than normal without him making it a matter for which he needs to be most important in and reassured about - and then stare blankly at you when you plead for peace to wipe unquestioned.

You cannot live like that. It'll have you wishing for death when you are older and aren't even able to stay in hospital without him being there every second and pleading for the staff to keep him out for five minutes.

Dump him
It doesn't matter WHY he is the way he is, maybe he really really loves you or is controlling or both.
Stop trying to understand, you can't fix him

His behaviour may be caused by adhd, but that doesn't obligate you to deal with it. You could also think of the adhd as a red herring: you're not compatible because you need different levels of contact.

Me, too.