To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

I don’t know why you think it isn’t weaponised incompetence.

You are enabling to continue being like this. It’s your decision to make but it sounds like it is going to create resentment within your relationship.

@butterfliesandbugs - this is the phrase that leapt out at me from your OP:

”I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence.”

Is he similarly incompetent in every other area of his life, or, as I suspect, is he perfectly capable of learning to do something, when it matters to him? Does he work, and can he learn the skills he needs to hold down the job? Does he have hobbies or sports that he has learned to do? You say he is driving to the city to collect something - I presume he has learned how to drive perfectly safely and well - which proves that he can learn - and he simply is choosing not to learn how to take care of the children, to allow you some down-time.

I think that there is no reason - or excuse - for his incompetence, and he could learn if he wanted to.

Calculated helplessness - it's a well-known ploy. And the more you do, the worse it gets.

Go away for the day leaving him a list. When I get back I expect the children to have been fed/watered/nappy changed/played with/tidied up after (a bit)/had naps at appropriate times etc. See what happens.

But ....... when mine were small they had a Daddy Day every week - his day off and one of my work days, and things were done very differently on that day. I accepted that my ways and my rules were not the only way of doing things and he had a right to do things his way when he was in charge. When you are used to making the rules with the children it is not easy to let go.

But we’re not their servants are we!

I'm not flaming you for this. It's too pathetic for that.

@butterfliesandbugs But would he continue doing that over tending to the children?
Because that’s not ok.

You still haven't said what he does for his children and daily life when your there so I'm guessing you do it all without a word?

he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me
Not planning ahead would be things like using all the clean clothes and not putting a wash on, or finishing all the milk at bedtime so there's none for breakfast. Which is crap and annoying. The level of incompetence your H is displaying is far beyond that and is nothing to do with planning but failing to parent in the moment.

Unless he's also sitting around in his own urine soaked clothes having not eaten or drunk then it is weaponised incompetence not "just incompetence" as you claim. Not that "just incompetence" is any less pathetic.

But OP’s H is a fully grown and capable adult? Why the fuck should she have to parent and ‘educate’ him too as well as doing the lionshare of childcare and house stuff?

No, not weaponised incompetence, probably they are wired differently (don't flame me). And we spoil them - we, women, collectively. We are perfect servants.

From Gosford Park -

What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant. I'm better than good. I'm the best. I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves. (That is me that is).

Set reminders on his mobile and put a chart on the fridge door to prompt him. And do tell him, when he has a tea or coffee to remember to give the children a drink too - it's only a matter of educating him

I came on to the thread expecting to agree with you @butterfliesandbugs because sometimes I feel the same about my DH - but actually, the examples you’ve given are pretty bad! Not providing water/food/ or changing nappies is really really bad.

My DHs problem is that he can’t focus on more than one thing at a time - he just doesn’t have the ability to multitask or to forward plan. So during my day I’ll be always thinking of the next thing, eg:
Making breakfast - “do we have enough milk for tomorrow?”
Getting DC dressed - “do they have plenty of clothes and changes for nursery tomorrow? Does the bag need repacked?”
Travelling to work - “need to collect DC early from nursery for the dentist tomorrow, there’s a birthday party on Saturday - need to make sure we have a gift” etc.

That way things are done and ready when we need them rather than trying to scramble things together at the last minute. DH absolutely does do all these things and would sort all the issues that arise himself as they come up but he would never naturally think of them ahead of time. He’d never make it my problem and he’s the same with stuff for himself, not just kids/house stuff. I usually end up prepping in advance if he’s being left and making sure everything is done but only for my own sanity - I can’t deal with the thought of that level of chaos and all the running at the last minute 😂 so that’s my issue really.
Yes, he’ll be trying to find spare trousers for the nursery bag while running out the door but he’d never forget basic food/water/hygiene!

I agree with PP - the answer is NOT to leave the children with someone who can’t even meet their basic needs and is neglectful. Either he starts pulling his weight - with OP’s supervision making sure the children are cared for properly - or she needs to leave for the welfare of her children.

Get a smart speaker.
Set it to reminder for nappy, drink, food, emotional and physical needs.
To go off every 15 minutes while they are with your husband in the house.
Honestly. He won't need it again after the first day.
He will realise his so called parental incompetence hasn't worked

This! What a piss take of a human

Because op isn't taking the situation seriously either is she, she won't do anything, she won't take any sensible advice.

Well this example is fair enough. He wouldn't be doing anything wrong, it's just a fact that small children in cars for a period of time will fall asleep, especially the one that's still of napping age.

But not bothering with feeding and toileting and giving water to drink is BS. That level of incompetence simply isn't possible in an adult who is capable of navigating life with a job and a spouse and financial responsibilities. It absolutely is not bothering because you're there to pick up the pieces. Don't kid yourself.

He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Period. Whether that's dealing with the child or tidying the mess or listening to you being upset and having a go at him: either way, doing normal parenting stuff has to happen. It's not negotiable.

YABU for allowing this to happen.

You need to go away for a week. If he has to deal with the consequences of the loose poos etc then maybe he will learn.

Or you just refuse to deal with the fall out. Sorry DH you’ll have to take time off work because pre school won’t take him and it was on your watch.

But seriously, how is he so incompetent? It must be weaponised if he can hold down a job etc. Because even if he has never made a meal for a child before you can literally google how to make a sandwich and cut up some grapes FFS. Don’t let him get away with it! It’s actually embarrassing for a grown adult not to know all this stuff and frankly I dont know how you could ever fancy him again with this attitude 🤢

Your husband sounds pathetic. Isn't he appalled at himself that he is unable to care for his own children? Not feeding them, not changing their nappies? How can you stay with a man who is capable of neglecting his children to this extent?

I thought you were going to say something along the lines of he lets the children get muddy when playing in the park and you do all the laundry or something like that. But your situation is so much worse.

I’m sure he made himself a drink, something to eat, went to the toilet. How does he imagine that his children can manage without?
Stupid or selfish, neither of which are very attractive.

I disagree with previous posters about leaving him for longer with the children. If he unable to meet their basic needs you will only exacerbate their vulnerabilities of harm
Coming to them with a longer time in his care

A lot of these things are child
Neglect OP i am a social worker. Why are you minimising his actions ? Does he have additional needs which mean he is unable to care
For his child safely? In which case that is a safeguarding issue to be leaving him alone with them.

If he doesn't,
Then there is no excuse. The neglect falls on your head to for allowing this to happen

Why do people post shit like this? No one is fucking off for months. It just trivialises the actual problem.

Go away for 3 months or 6 and he'll learn.