To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

Have you tried speaking with him about how you feel about this?
Have you explained to him that because he can't focus on the care of his children, you don't feel that you can leave them in his care & how does that make him feel?
Use the example of the blueberries and also the suggestion that he could take the kids but you don't let him because they're likely to fall asleep and then they'd be awake later on which has knock on effects to the following days.

Tell him that this can't continue as it is, even if it is going to be getting easier as the kids grow up they won't have formed the same bonds with him as they have with you. You know you have to leave him in charge of the kids at some point.

My suggestion is to set alarm/reminders on his mobile phone throughout the day - feed kids at X time (have their meal already prepped in the fridge or on the counter), change nappy (whether it needs it or not, he'll get used to knowing), make sure the kids have access to drinks (water/juice) in their cups - reminders with alarms so that he knows he has to act. For the first few times have the reminders also written out and stuck to the front of a cupboard in the kitchen so that he can check it there too.

It's ridiculous that you should have to do that but it's partly for him to grasp just what is required and it's also partly for you so that you know the reminders are set and what they are for, so that you feel more comfortable leaving them with him.

If he creates work for you, hand the kids back to him and let him deal with the fall out of his actions/inactions.

The thing is @butterfliesandbugs it's not just about how it's unfair to you.

It's also unfair to the children. Their dad doesn't prioritise them. He works, he tinkers in the shed for hours on end and when he's left to care for them he doesn't even do bare minimum level stuff like change nappies or provide proper food.

Eventually they will stop going to him. Because they'll know. I'm willing to bet your older one already does. They are missing out and he is missing out on how awesome his kids can be.

If he's able to see the issues and work on improving things then there is hope. The kids are young and if it's just that he's not confident or needs to find strategies to remember to do stuff then that can be "fixed" - he might not do things "your way" but he will find His Way and that'll be fine.

But if he's just not arsed, if he sees caring for them as "your job" and continues like this, his relationship with the children will suffer and your resentment will only get worse.

Butterflies its not about one nappy.

Its about the bigger picture and quality of care the children are receiving

You do live up to your username don't you

Id report both of you to social services if i knew your identity. You clearly don't have a clue what is acceptable in meeting a childs basic care needs. Eye openers like this are usually the tip of the iceberg

The fact he does this and you let him and continue to do so is abuse in itself

Don't get me started on the blue berry incident .

You have to ignore some of the trolling on here. It's obviously not neglect when he knows you're coming back. That's why some people have said it's weaponised incompetence - he gets away with it because he's happy to lean so heavily on you.
Have you thought about couples therapy where you can say the unsayable in a safe space in front of him where he can't react with scorn or anger? "I'm worried I'll get hit by a bus and the children will get dehydrated or underweight as he doesn't seem to understand what they need"

This is correct information, a factor of removing a child, repeated exposure to non changed nappie can cause severe nappy rash which can get infected. Sepsis is worse case scenario. The impact of prolonged regular exposure to urine ammonia can be extreme in certain circumstances

Jesus I thought you meant "he leaves their lunch plates by the dishwasher not in them so i have to stack it when in home" but this is full on child neglect - he forgets to feed his own children then let's them eat enough berries to get diarrhea!?! He forgets to give drinks or change nappies!?!
You need to have a serious serious chat about responsible parenting and how it works. He has to look after them properly. Bluntly, what if you have an accident or aren't around - he just never feeds the kids? My husbands mum died at 11 and he had to take over washing and cooking - don't risk this for your children, it's a horrible upbringing.
Have a serious chat and make him deal with the consequences, child has diarrhea due to his parenting, he takes the day off and collects them. Child has nappy rash, he buys the cream and stays up with them. If anyone I left looking after my children did this I would shred them, I'd not speak to a friend again after this and if my husband regularly neglected our children I'd divorce him. The only risk being you'd then have to leave them with him every other weekend and call social services because he was failing their basic needs.

Mine is surrounded by a team of managers and PAs getting the detailed grunt work done. I don’t think he’s necessarily any more competent or incompetent at work. He’s being paid well for his talents, which include seeing the big picture, setting direction, coming up with brilliant ideas, motivating and mentoring, and building client relationships connections. None of that relates to the ability to notice the needs of small preverbal humans.

You appear to be almost upset that his neglect isn’t worse. Failing to change nappies was one of the reasons my son was placed in care, and if it wasn’t an issue why have you used it as an example of his poor parenting?

He's either got learning disabilities or he's a common or garden fuckwit.

Would counselling help? You have decades of this nonsense ahead of you.

Ok op. You do you. Enjoy.

So make it DH problem. If you have work to do and kids are awake because they fell asleep ask him to watch them while you work. Although this example is unfair, he’s offered to take them out to give you a break but if they fall asleep that’s not really his fault. The other things though he really needs to do better with

Yes op, some parents are even worse than your husband. Not sure if that's where I'd set my bar though.

Thankfully not had this problem myself as we were very open and honest right from the start that both of us had to pull our weight.
But my FiL Oh my god how the MiL put/puts up with the total lack of help in life I will never understand.
Sure he went to work every day but so did she & did all the child care, cooking, cleaning, all admin & social planning.
Yet every time I bring it up she makes excuses for him even since they are retired.
One PP or might have been OP said about him doing something really well but not really important at that point in time to the detriment of everything else is spot on.

Timetable.
7.30am - wake up, toilet for X, nappy change for Y, dressed for day
8am, breakfast - 1 weetabix, sml glass milk, etc
8.30am - CBeebies for 30 mins - you shower and dress
9am - clean kitchen, X - toilet, Y check nappy. Out to park until 11am.
11am - etc
7pm - teeth and bed
7.30 - clean up toys, dirty clothes into laundry
8pm - eat dinner if you haven't with the kids.
You get the drift

I did find that when the kids were tiny their routines for sleep, and food quantities/preferences changed quite frequently. We both worked full time and had a full time nanny so part of my handover on a Friday was to check what had changed. I had to travel frequently for work so if DH had the kids solo for the weekend I would update a chart like this. Yes it's spoon feeding and he's perfectly competent but a reminder to check a nappy every hour or so is not a bad thing.
MIL was INSANELY sniffy about it when she came to help for a weekend while I was away but then admitted she found it really helpful especially food quantities and having a rough idea of their daily timetable. Long time since she had toddlers.

If you're still coming home to a car crash [and bear in mind practice makes perfect - we all had to learn to try and clean the house in the time it takes to watch in the night garden ] then it's time for a really hard talk. He either needs assessment for SEN or needs to get his sh*t together.

It did help that I had to travel very frequently, long haul for work and away at least a week at a time. DH got plenty of practice and MIL does not leave nearby - it gave him huge confidence with the kids in the end but he'd be the first to admit it was a learning curve.

This needed to have stopped with child number 1 because I am sure he has been doing this. This can't continue because if it does then it is wilful enablement on your part. He must demonstrate that he can feed the kids and change nappies etc WHILST you are there. If not what happens if he gives a pack of fruit for the whole day with crisps and a sprinkle of water when you're absent for days FGS. Draw a line in the sand now or you will end up being a married single parent. I have a feeling he is a traditional husband and likely grew up in a home where his mum did all the housework and childcare like what you're doing. He won't think it's an issue if you keep on doing it. If he could see the comments on here he will think twice and be ashamed. Have a meeting with him tonight and list it all out and say change starts now or it will likely lead to your marriage crumbling.

What makes you think things will get easier when they're at school op?
Sure they'll be able to use the toilet themselves and ask for food so yes, they won't be starving and have piss on their clothes, like he neglects them now.
But it'll just be replaced by other stuff, whichever stuff they need at that age.
And I'm afraid, for many parents, teenagers are far far harder than little ones.

Going back to your original example, this is what I think you should have done if you want to keep your marriage going... he should have put them to bed that night, you go out, visit a friend. He should have picked dc up from nursery.

Putting your foot down now to his incompetence will actually save your marriage in the end.