To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

Exactly. How can you accept a father behaving like this? There's no excuse. A grown man knows that food and drink are necessities, as is a clean nappy. It's the most basic knowledge of all.

God this makes me so so angry. Your husband is a complete moron who is living a parasitic life off of you whilst you basically do everything and allow his genes to continue going into the future!! Can you not see how utterly shit and unacceptable it is to treat your partner and children as your husband is treating you??? If he is not mentally ill, and manages to do fairly well at work, I suspect his behavior is completely deliberate. Leaving your child in dirty nappies and not providing a good diet is neglect. If he is doing these things honestly your children are better off without him! Why do you accept this? It’s like low level abuse imo.

To be fair to him? It's an absolute basic minimum to change your child's nappy. It isn't impressive that he changes shitty nappies.

Sitting in a nappy full of piss for hours isn't nice either. It is neglect even though some parents neglect their child more.

How can you respect someone who doesn't give a fuck if his children are fed and clean?

He's a shit father and your kids deserve better.

So if it's not asking for advice are you looking for women who are in a similar boat to you who are doing NOTHING about it? When kids are involved you can't just fold your hands and accept that. If you're looking for women who enable their husband's to not pick up the slack with their children you won't get that on this thread judging from the comments. This is 2025.

I'm afraid the more you post, the worse your DH sounds. He leaves his child in a wet nappy for 4-5 hours? I was imagining an hour at most. 4-5 hours is really awful.

If you work part time and he works full time, it obviously makes sense that you are doing more housework and childcare than he is during the workweek. However, he is their father. He should be fully involved in their care when he's at home. How does he interact with the children? Does he play with them? Does he read to them before bed? How would you describe his relationship to them?

I know you've said you're resigned to the situation, but why? Don't you want him to be an equal parent and someone you can count on to look after your children?

When you are home does he just sit back while you do everything? Do you let him just sit there?

Took the words out of my mouth. I wouldn’t be worried about leaving them with him becuase of extra work when I returned, more so that he would cause them harm from neglect.

Hyperfocussing = doing something he prefers to parenting his children, supporting his partner, and cleaning his own house.

It’s honestly unreal what some women will put up with. I cannot think of a single reason to stay with this man.

Why are they only in the care of their father twice a year? I hope you never get ill.
Showing concern about bad parenting isn't an odd agenda.

Go away for an entire weekend. I did this when mine were small. I had a girls weekend to go to, honestly thought it would be a disaster but husband actually got into a whole routine, dinners, cleaning up, realising exactly how much I did and how much work it was. Best thing I ever did and changed our dynamic completely

What does he say about the non offering of drinks or not changing nappies? This is basic care?

I’ve read my share of posts about incompetent dads on here so he’s not alone.

He won’t change and the post isn’t asking for advice on how to change it.
Does that mean he doesn’t agree that he’s a crap dad and you are going to grit your teeth until the children can get their own drinks and food ? Why wouldn’t you want him to change and be an actual parent ? He’s setting a terrible example to your kids about what to accept and expect from a male partner in future. It doesn’t seem relevant now because they are so young but you risk your son becoming like his father and grandfather and your daughter accepting this like you and her grandmother.

Why would someone like him have a child? Children need more than money and a warm home to thrive.

I find it frustrating and exhausting I can’t get a break and I do feel let down by DH.

Yet you refuse to actually do anything about it. What a waste of a life.

Has op even mentioned ADHD once?

So what is he prepared to do? Listen and act on your concerns? See his GP for ADHD medication?

I think you both need a bit of support in meeting a child's basic care needs 24/7. Being affluent means nothing if children are sitting around in wet nappies without food or drink and being only offered a fruit which makes then ill.

A parent who is in the shed all day is not present - how is he meeting their emotional needs if he is not there?

You are minimising and said " I've resigned myself to this. " i think you both could do with some guidance and support

does he deal with the consequences? Who does the really late bedtime? Who tidies? who has to leave work to pick up? Very quickly he will learn not to be incompetent if he has to do this. Now I say all this but honestly if my husband wasn’t capable of feeding and making sure my kids were hydrated I’d probably stay with them too for safety!!

Does he have cognitive impairment - how does he manage the rest of his life?!

You wrote this post because you don't trust him and you really, really, really need more regular breaks.

Nothing will change unless you stop getting so defensive and start listening. The person to get assertive at is the one sat at home, not us.

So, @butterfliesandbugs - is your husband competent and capable of learning new skills in other areas of his life? If so, he is capable of learning to take care of the children. He doesn’t want to, because he knows you will pick up the slack.

This is the very epitome of weaponised incompetence.

Either it is weaponised incompetence or this man has additional needs. Does he have a job?

if you died tomorrow would the children have to go into care?