To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

You’re not going to get ‘solidarity’ from those of us married to reasonably competent grown adults.

But just because we are not in solidarity doesn’t mean we all don’t want better for you. And we want you to want better for yourself rather than being resigned to it.

Think of it as tough love.

If is unable to feed a toddler how would he manage in 4 years time when children need bigger meals? Can he cook or prepare food at all?

How will he react when his primary aged child draws a picture at school showing what they did at the weekend and they draw themselves hungry. " daddy didn't feed me all day, i was hungry. I was sad."

What do you think the teacher would do then?!!!!

Please look at the bigger picture OP.
Get yourselves on a parenting course ,
Upskill

You aren't to blame for his actions, he's a shit father and that's on him, not you. You are to blame for enabling him, minimising his neglectful behaviour and for still somehow wanting to be with someone who neglects his children.

I mean, how can you look at him and not be constantly disgusted?

He's the one doing it but you're letting it slide and sucking it up by the sounds of things. Not sure what you wanted from this thread? Lots of sympathy?! You don't want to leave and you don't appear to have any plans for making him face the consequences of his actions. So he's most likely probably going to continue in his neglectful lazy fashion

Of course you'll be held responsible because you're enabling it. The least you could do was seek couples therapy. I believe you thought you would get solidarity from other women in your shoes but it's 2025 many women aren't putting up with this kind of behaviour anymore. You may ignore it now but this will affect your kids and marriage in the long run. If you really care you will do something about it.

It is awful to leave a child, presumably awake and running about, in a wet nappy for 4-5 hours. There's no excuse for it.

And there is no chance I would write detailed instructions for my DH about how to care for his own children, nor would I prepare food for him to feed them. Because my DH is an adult and perfectly capable. The degree of learned helplessness that some women are willing to put up with from their partners never ceases to amaze me.

Ho hum then.. Men eh?! 🙄

You sound like me.
If I go out for a few hours it is madness when I get back. And thebtoddler knows daddy is a push over and so he is running up the walls.
My DH had a reality check after AI had a RTA and in hospital for a few days. And ge was on tears and really appreciated what I dis after that. He was sobbing saying he doesn't know how I do it and how he will cope without me again. He has now offered to pay for a weekley cleaner as his solution......

Jannier Im afraid you are wrong.
A SS referral does not automatically mean SS intervention. It is highlighting a concern of parenting.

As i said in my previous post this is not about one wet nappy its about the bigger picture and parents not being adequately informed about meeting a Childs basic care needs

He is not "obviously" anything FFS.

He deflects and you allow it whilst your kids get this blueprint for their own future partnerships.....what was your parents roles?

Can't believe you find it in you to shag this idiot

Does that make it okay...you know it's neglect

It might be annoying for you but you'll have to let go and let him take control if you want a day off. I assume he's just not had the practise but how will he get that of you don't let him try and fail a few times

And every evening running around to clubs ditto weekends and trying to do homework. They will be up later and come out with "I need X for tomorrow" at 8pm whilst dad has been sat with his feet up since you cleared his plate and washed up. are you going to do this for the next 16 years whilst he lazes about? Common get real or do you like being a martyr?

“…And you’d say there are two well fed, well dressed children who live in a warm, well maintained home with affluent parents and enjoy a range of activities…”

And yet what they are growing up and learning is that women are responsible for running the home, doing all the housework and all the meaningful parenting. And men can just go to the shed and do whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want.

Do you really want that role modelling for your children? Especially your daughter if you have one?

Because it continues to enable the behaviour.

Not to mention the fact that it isn't rocket science. It's pure laziness.

I don't know how women continue to be attracted to and have multiple children with men like this.

I'm afraid the more you post, the worse your DH sounds. He leaves his child in a wet nappy for 4-5 hours? I was imagining an hour at most. 4-5 hours is really awful.

Dont be so silly. Toddlers don’t need their nappies changed hourly. What do you think happens overnight? So long as the child doesn’t have raging nappy rash it’s not good parenting leaving it so long but not dreadful.

@butterfliesandbugs your post reminds me a bit of when my DC were that age and I worked 2-3 evenings a week plus alternate weekends. I always came home to a mess. Not absolutely awful but messy and annoying. He also needed to be told exactly what to feed them and so on. It did force him to be able to care for them albeit not to my standards. I am far better at multitasking than he is.

I will be shot down but it’s easier to leave the food ready and write down instructions on what, where and when. If you start to go out regularly he will slowly get better and if you start going for a short time and build it up he will also get more competent.

But it is about one nappy ….. occasionally!

He obviously is... But it's not an excuse.

I can relate to what you describe. In some ways my DH was very hands on when our children were small, but I never managed to feel comfortable leaving "organisational" stuff to him. So when I started a research degree with the plan that I'd go early in the morning, he'd do the nursery drop offs (they were similar ages to yours), I'd pick them up - I never felt confident to just get up and go, without having checked that they had what they needed and were sensibly dressed etc etc. I eventually had to give up on the degree, and not having been able to spend enough undistracted time on it was a contributor.

I really recognise the "not giving them anything to drink" issue - DH forgets to drink enough himself so I'd frequently discover, if he'd been in charge of an afternoon for example, that they'd not had anything to drink either.

I've also remembered an incident when they were older; I was in Australia after my father's funeral, and DH broke his collar bone (blown off his bike cycling to the station). Rather than leave it to him to sort out, I phoned another parent, from Australia, who I knew would be able to help drop our youngest home from their after school activities.

I think you do need to keep chipping away at expectations of your DH, to try to make him step up to what is needed and at least keep him in the loop of day to day routines. It's particularly hard when they are little and their needs keep changing every time you get the hang of it ... But as others have said, the mental load with school just goes up and up, the more you can get DH in the habit of doing some of it the better really. Good luck!