To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

OP you’re getting a load of abuse on this thread that I really don’t believe you deserve. You’re not unreasonable to expect more of your husband. It’s definitely not your fault he’s useless.

As a first step I’d try actually talking to him. You need to stay calm but be firm. You need to be able to have a break without coming back to a disaster zone and neglected children.

I’d spoon feed him to start with. Leave clear instructions for what to do when, and meals already planned so that he just has to serve them. Of course you shouldn’t have to do this, he should be able to parent his own children. But I do think sometimes you have a choice between being right and getting what you want.

You want to be able to leave him to care for your children. He probably feels massively out of his depth having never really done it properly before. Just make it easy for him. Then you can slowly withdraw the support as he becomes more independent with it.

I expect I’ll get lots of abuse for daring to suggest you do anything other than have a massive go at him, or leave him to manage on his own for a week, or leave him altogether. But any of those options are just driving conflict. If he feels under attack he’s less likely to welcome the suggestion that he needs to better.

What support did you expect from us? We weren't going to tell you 'well done for deciding to do all the work all the time while your lazy husband does fuck all.' you are enabling this by not letting him look after them more. Part of being a Father is looking after your kids often. It's not your role to gatekeep. He needs more time with them then he will figure it out.

My partner did annoying things at first and forgot to feed etc (younger baby only just on solids) but he does everything well and his own way now. I assume your husband can hold down a job. How can he cope with that without someone going in and doing it for him?

His behaviour is abusive, he didn't even give them fluids for christ sake! At the very least you should point out that you can't leave him alone with the kids because he's a bad, neglectful parent. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

The saddest thing is you think you’d feel better about your young children being failed by this useless selfish bastard if you knew other women were also mug enough to tolerate it and their kids were being neglected too.

Why aren’t your children worth better? Today?

Well what do you want us to say, @butterfliesandbugs ? You aren’t unreasonable to want a break, but you want us to applaud you martyring yourself so your incompetent dh doesn’t have to learn a new skill - caring for his own children.

How should I demonstrate my solidarity with someone who is, I accept, being let down by her dh, but is refusing to do anything about it?

I feel so sorry for your daughter tbh. She's stuck with a father who only cares about her in a similar way a little kid cares about the family dog AND a weirdo mother obsessed with masochistically modelling patriarchal gender roles. Hopefully she's exposed to something beyond this antiquated dysfunction later on in life.

Why on earth would you breed with someone who neglects their own children? Twice!

Sorry to serial post, I'm having phone issues...

The fact that his dad had the luxury of hyper focusing on whatever whim entered his head doesn't mean anything other than the fact that your H grew up in a home where someone else allowed the father to indulge in whatever activity took his fancy.

Your H has a really bad habit that developed in a home where he had poor role models. It's not something biological or inherently male to behave like this. Men are perfectly capable of functioning in all areas of life - because they see rewards for them in that, and validation of what they see as their elevated status.

Your FIL and now his son are what used to be called chauvinist pigs - they have absorbed the idea that childcare is a low status way to use your time and energy, and therefore it is only for women.

At the root of all this is deep-seated misogyny and male obsession with hierarchy and status.

Your H is laying claim to a luxury here - the luxury of occupying your mind with complete thoughts about something interesting, and the luxury of irresponsible behaviour that has no consequences for him. Do not let him indulge in that while you are left with the drudgery.

This is what I came here to say, there may come a time when they have no choice but to be cared for by their father, he might move closer to his parents if you weren't here anymore, but what during the weeks or months before that happens.

Neglect is unacceptable and he needs to have a fucking word with himself.

Edit, Also it may not be SS levels of intervention, but it's still neglect. Xx This is not putting the blame on you as you no longer allow him to be alone with the children and you are safeguarding them, but he needs telling.

Does he have a job?

its not about blaming you. Your husband is clearly at fault for neglecting his children when he should be looking after them. It’s more your attitude of just accepting that. If a woman didn’t change her child’s nappy or didn’t offer them a drink would you be so happy to accept that? It’s not about female solidarity, an adult whether male or female, should know to offer a child a drink and to change a baby’s nappy. Not sure what you wanted from this post, did you just expect everyone to say oh it’s ok he is a man, you shouldn’t expect more of him.

So he needs to wrap his hyperfocused little brain around the fact that his focus needs to be the children.

This isn't a case of can't. It's a case of a man who is so far up his own entitled macho arse that he won't.

You are your own worst enemy. Doing everything and doing it well is nothing to be proud of when you are in a marriage. Especially when it’s rendered you tired, resentful and miserable.

It’s not your fault your DH is incompetent but it is your fault for not doing anything about it and then being upset that he is incompetent. It’s one of those scenarios where you either put up or shut up.

If you can’t take some action for your own sake do it for your children. Don’t allow them to learn that the dynamic you have is normal and acceptable. If your child comes to you with a similar issue when they’re older, what would you say to them?

It’s also interesting how you have a similar presentation of hyper focus to your DH. Here you are arguing with a PP about social services instead of addressing the good advice you have received. Probably because it’s easier to focus on that poster than it is to acknowledge that actually you might not be entirely powerless here.

"I’m pretty much resigned to this being how it is. It does make me a bit resentful but it’s getting easier and will get easier still as they get older."

Don't give up op. Resentment is horrible and grows and you don't deserve that plus kids pick up on it. You can't count on it consistently getting easier either - there are illness and bumps along the road and the kids having the dad able to step up when needed will be so useful.

I would just keep at it. Keep talking to him. Keep leaving the kids with him and giving him the chance to learn from his mistakes. Sorry, it sounds tough x

If he doesn't know what to do then sign him up to some parenting courses at the children's centre. "I don't know" is only an excuse the first time. At ages 1 and 4, he really should be knowing by now.

And there's the cunning and manipulation behind his atrocious behaviour in a nutshell.

She needs to make him deal with all of the consequences.

He is perfectly well able to look after them. He just resents having to.

Exactly

Well he's successfully used weaponised incompetence to ensure he doesn't ever have to do any solo parenting ever again hasn't he?

But you're not looking to change it you just want to say poor me I can't do anything but suffer. At the same time you're bringing up children in the same pattern. Women do have to instigate a change in their lives not just accept it because the CBA as you put it.

And, OP, this is indeed weaponised incompetence.

It is also his way of telling you that he thinks of childcare as beneath him, and thinks of your role as someone who will clean up after him and deal with the chaos and neglect he blithely inflicts on the children.

It's a massive "fuck you" to you and to the children. He's telling you all that you're beneath him.

I never said it did

Why do you do everything?
Ask yourself why a functioning adult can't parent successfully?
I'm not having a go at you, it's easy to get used to bad behaviour and accommodate it, but please listen to people on here, and take their advice.

And not changing a nappy - I have no words. This is a lazy, selfish, self-centered pig of a man.

Your H is taking the piss.

Tell him he needs to grow the F* up and that he will be the one dealing with all the consequences of his extremely poor behaviour from now on.

Baby sleeps in the car - he stays up and gets baby to sleep that night.
House a disaster zone - he picks up and cleans everything.
Toddler sent home from nursery because of inappropriate food - he takes the time off work to deal with it.

All the consequences need to fall on him. Do not put up with this pathetic (weaponised) incompetence one day longer.

You enable him and you excuse and minimise his neglect. You absolutely have some blame.

As I said, despite his behaviour, you can also somehow not only look at him but stay with him. He would've been out on his arse the first time I came back to my child in a nappy full of piss.