To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

Yep, but it's even harder to deal with later on because you didn't take steps now and it's even more entrenched. If you have work to do, go elsewhere.

He's on child No 2. Don't tell me he doesn't know what to do. He's choosing not to do it.

How can you even look at him?

You need to let it be his problem. Kid has to come home from nursery? He leaves work to pick them up. Kid up until 10? He is with them until then. House is a tip? He cleans it after they have gone to sleep.

The nappies and water I would read him the riot act over. That's neglect.

Do you really feel like you'll be able to get over the resentment of his incompetence now? It would destroy the relationship for me.

It doesn’t matter if he is used to having them or not… surely a fully grown adult knows that children need food/drink and little ones need nappy changes? Honestly, incompetent men like this are the reason I’m so glad I realised I was a lesbian and why women will probably always be stuck in these main care giver roles. He is clearly capable of looking after himself but can’t care for his own children even doing the basics that keep them alive? I couldn’t be married to someone like this, sorry OP.

He's a terrible, neglectful father. Withholding fluids is abuse in my book.

OP- I know you say it’s not weaponised incompetence, but it IS. He presumably remembers to feed himself and go to the toilet- therefore he is capable of feeding and changing the children. Please do not put up with this.

He lets stuff happen, he deals with the consequences, surely. He lets them sleep in the car, he handles bedtime, and getting them to sleep, however late. He lets them eat too much fruit, he picks them up from daycare and deals with the explosive pooing. Etc etc.

My dh is the same. I wrote a routine for him and left dd with him when she was 18 months old for 2 nights.

Not giving your small children food and drink and leaving them in wet nappies is neglectful and cruel. I can see why you don't want to leave DC with DH. But what sort of person cannot understand that you need to do these basic things to keep small humans alive. Is he stupud? Selfish? Cruel?

I echo pps. You need to leave him for longer. That way he feels the consequences of his actions - very hungry children, nappies falling off, toddlers up until midnight. As it is he CAN leave everything because he knows you will be back to sort things out.

Just beware that he will probably just move his mother in if you go away for a fortnight... (bitter experience).

So you’re not willing to deal with it. Why post?

The low standards some women have absolutely perplexes me.

How you can create children and a life with someone but be unable to have a proper conversation is completely beyond me.

He could easily set reminders on his phone at intervals throughout the day for nappy changes, snacks and lunch and drinks. It isn't hard. You could do that with him so you would feel better knowing it didn't rely on him remembering.

My Mum was hospitalised for 2 weeks when my older sibling was a couple of months old and my Dad did everything because he had to.

Start this now so he gets used to parenting his own children and you can get a break.

How involved is he in their care when you’re there
what’s the childcare set up?
If you’re both there on a Saturday is he hands on?

This

Not providing food or drink, leaving a baby in a soiled nappy. It isn’t incompetence, its neglect.

Honestly, this sort of stuff makes me so furious - what an unbelievably cruel person to leave their child in dirty nappies and not provide water, a basic fucking minimum. God gorbid he should be in charge of a dog. It’s either weaponised incompetence (although you say not) or he is not capable of normal function. I simply do not believe that any wel-meaning human can’t fathom that a child needs these things, never mind one who’s been a parent for several,years.

What if you ever got really ill or had a hospital stay or died? Would he really just not bother to clean, feed and water them? I have children and know a lot of parents, I honestly can’t conceive of any of them not caring enough about their young kids to neglect their basic needs. It’s appalling and shameful.

What was he like with your first as a baby? Did he do changes, naps, feeds, cook, clean?
I have a friend who actively pushed her husband out as he always did it "wrong" (as in not her way) so he gave up trying.
Does he pull his weight when you're home?

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Then make that DHs problem. He'll soon learn, if he's in charge of an out of routine small child up late.

Needs to be nipped in the bud now or this will be your life.

Exactly.
This is a "father" of two small children?
How fucking ridiculous.

Stamp on this now or resign yourself to it being like this forever. He's perfectly capable of looking after kids if he's capable of holding down a job and other adult activities. Make a point of leaving him with them more often rather than less so that he gets more practice and if there are consequences to the decision he makes, make sure he deals with them, eg if he lets them sleep in the car he has to get them to bed. If you have to start off by giving him some written instructions, it's annoying but might be worth it if he changes his behaviour.

You need to tell him that the way he is behaving is unacceptable. Point out the consequences of his shot parenting. Even better, let him deal with the consequences of his parenting. It actually sounds like her needs more practise at being in some charge of the kids rather than less.

I have been in this position. My boyfriend was like this after we had our first. It took a long time to get him to start thinking and acting like a parent but it seemed to click after we had our second and I went back to work full time (I.e forcing him to pick up the slack).